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23 F United States of America
speaks English and Spanish and German, Standard
Last login: 8 July 2009
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Received comments: 1
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Member since: 28 November 2008
I've been pushed down so many times
I feel this time will be the last
as I lay here fading
my thoughts are invaded by memories of my past
I feel the pressures of shame and rejection building
as I lay here on the floor
I have no strength to get up
I'm not worth it any more

No one hears me, understands me
I speak in silence
hoping that someone will see my words, my message
hoping to find love, it has arrived so divine
I wish for a stronger, better life
filled with everlasting touch
I dream the future, but hold the past
My body is brimmed with so many confusions
Am I really here experiencing fullness?
I must be, the pain is so real
the hurt I feel could never be imagined
but I will pull through into greatness
and destroy whatever faces into me
As I struggle I will fight until the end
Whenever it may come


I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness
and I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under
I yell for help but no one is there to hear it
I begin to see the water at eye level
and I kick and flail
fighting to stay above the darkness
But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me
and I slowly begin to give in
to the feeling that lies below the water line
the waters starts to fill my lungs
the lungs that once held so much life
yet now they allow the murky water to replace that
I know that this path doesn't lead to happiness
But why doesn't someone grab my hand
pull me from darkness's grasp?
because no one knows I stand at the boundary
the boundary between light and dark
so I give in to the thing that holds me
All of the strength and all of the courage
that I once held in my heart
can't save me from the water
So I slowly slip below the world of conscientiousness
undetected by the occupants of that world
I don't want to fight anymore
I've given into darkness

At my jokes.
Inside of me.
with my friends.
Streams of tears
drip down my
I smile,
when I
You smile,
when you
when I
You smile,
when you
good bye

There is a great deal of depression that has overtaken my soul,
It floods deep within, into every inch that makes me whole.
I wonder and worry of thought throughout the day,
What is to come, to my dismay.
As a flood of tears pour out of me in all my expressions, 
more and more comes, more and more depression.
I assure myself everything is ok!
But who am I fooling?
Then I burst into a spirit of rage.
I have questions, and there are answers.
But I'm afraid and much too weak,
When I try to explain,
I hear I'm hearing wrong and need to be meek.
But this is how I feel, there's no wrong or right,
But as I battle with myself, I always lose the fight.
I feel intimidated sometimes by others,
But as I said "This is how I feel"
The pain in me is very real.
I lose control, my thought go wild,
and here I am only a child.
If only you knew what I thought,
If only you knew what I fought.
I need my thoughts held captive.
Oh baby, assure me I'm thinking normal 
and you'll help me think positive.
I'm hurting, I need you! 
Please don't give up on me!
One day I will always make you smile!

Like tyrants assembled with tears
Trembling like a tomb
And singing like a statue
I am as empty as the ocean.
My blind eyes scream in silence
So this eternal echo will be known.
Given to the foils of time,
And shattered like plate glass-
You freeze within the fire.
Darkness now lives at daylight,
And shadows turn to the ghosts.
With all that shined is hollow
You imagine unconsciously.
And pretending to sleep you realize,
Nothing is what it seems. 

I look up
as a tear rolls slowly
down my cheek
I think about better days
and wonder if I'll feel that way again
you look at me
with those eyes I know so well
always serious, so deep and insightful
as though you're always in control
But not today
not now
Now you look so scared
like for once you don't have the answer
I gaze at you
looking deep into those hazel eyes
Hoping to understand
why you've said those things you did
I wonder for a moment
if this is all a dream
if I shall wake in the morning
and be relieved
you look at me
with a confusion I have never seen
slowly pull me towards you
and wipe the tears from my cheek 

At night
At night I lay and think of you hoping my wishes and dreams come true
At night I wonder can this be the end is this all that's left
At night I wish we could go to the way things were
At night I lay and cry about the things that happened and how it all
At night I lay and think of us, I mean you and I
At night I realize there's no more us
At night I dream of us together again
At night I wish for us to be together again
But in the morning I realize it was all
At Night 

Thinking. Can't stop thinking.
Think of you. This. That. That Life. That day.
That dream was mine.
A utopian dream.
Your aura; struck me like lightning to a tree.
Pointy, like a star, you shone.
So bright, yet not shining as a star would,
But as apparent as white chalk on a blackboard.
You would not show off like a star.
Yet you did burn so hot, so fiercely, so explosively -
you were a star in my eyes.
But like all stars, you died.
That gas was gone.
No pull between us.
The atmosphere was dry
and I began to choke.
I was taken from my star - like a child being taken from its poor,
drunken mother - I did not know what was happening.
Dazed. Confused. Without true reality, I there sat.
The end of my world had only just begun, with yours beginning.

the way i fell
what ive become
the way you think
now i am home
i need you now
like i needed you then
my time is now
my hearts at its end
i thought i loved you 
i thought i needed you
but now i know 
all you needed was a kill



                  _ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ 
______'$$$$O$____$$____$$___$$ ____o$$$ 


!________________.♥♫♥.____________.♥. * .* ..
!________________.♥♫♥♫.______-.♥♫♥. * .* . * .
!________________.♥♫♥♫♥._-.♥♫♥♫. * .* .
!_______________.♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥. * . * . * . * .
!__________-.♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥. * .* ..
!_____.♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♥♫♥♫♥. * .
* . * . * ..
!__________-.♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥. * . * . * ..
!_______________.♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥♫♥. * . * . * ..
!________________.♥♫♥♫♥._-.♫♥♫♥. * . *. * . * ..
!________________.♫♥♫♥.______-.♥♫♥. * .* ..
!________________.♥♫♥.____________.♥. * . *.

........____, , ________________
....../ `---___________----_____|] = = = = = = =D
...../_==o; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; _______.:/
.....), ---.(_(__) /
....// (..) ), ----"

_////////// __$$$____$$$$///_____
_////// $$$$$$$$$$$$$////_______
_///// $$$$$$--$$$$$ _________
_ // ___$$$$$$$$$$_________
_ / ______$$$$$____________


¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.


╔═╦══╦═& ♥
║╩╣║║║║& ♫
╚═╩╩╩╩═& ♥ ♥ ,.

the time is now that i say the last of my goodbyes
ill miss the way i gazed into your beautiful blue eyes 
the first time i kissed you soft red lips and huged you close,
you the one ill miss the most.


Latest diary entries by tokio_hotel_love12   
5 Apr 09
Hurtful words,
From my enemies of the last five years,
What's it like to die alone?

3 Apr 09
Das fenster öffnet sich nicht mehr
Hier drin' ist es voll von dir - und leer
Und vor mir geht...

» view all entries...

Q&A Section   
rollz809 16 May 09  
my friend erika is teaching me how to be scene!! i luv the bows!! and meh hair
is long im gonna uplaod it soon!!
tokio_hotel_love12 23 May 09  
thats cool
rollz809 10 May 09  
im good
tokio_hotel_love12 14 May 09  
add me as a friend!
rollz809 1 May 09  
hey eryn!!! i havent talked to u in a while is miss ya!
tokio_hotel_love12 3 May 09  
how r u girl?
phoenix9731 6 Apr 09  
I gave you a thumb up!!!
tokio_hotel_love12 6 Apr 09  
ok thanks
phoenix9731 6 Apr 09  
Do you have yahoo IM?
tokio_hotel_love12 6 Apr 09  
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