These don't belong to me. Some might.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a
young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her
neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x,
don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you
were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric
train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is
the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your
room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the
mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your
hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the b*tch in the kitchen."
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't
like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the
covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded
to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
I hope you enjoy