I am nobody 
Nobody is perfect
Therefore i am perfect

One night a guy & a girl were
driving home from the movies. The boy sensed there was
something wrong because of the painful silence they shared between them
that night. The girl then asked the boy to pull over
because she wanted to talk. She told him that her
feelings had changed & that it was time to move on.
A silent tear slid down his cheek as he
slowly reached into his pocket & passed her a folded note.
At that moment, a drunk driver was speeding down
that very same street. He swerved
right into the drivers seat, killing the boy.
Miraculously, the girl survived. Remembering the note, she
pulled it out & read it.
"Without your love, I would die." 

He handed her a dozen roses 11 real ones + 1 fake one. He told her he would love her til the last rose died. 

A girl asked a boy if she was pretty and the boy said no. She then asked if he wanted to be with her forever and he
said no. Finally, she asked him if he would cry if she walked away and again he replied no. The girl had heard enough
and she went to leave. The boy grabbed her arm and said "You are not pretty, you are beautiful. I do not want to be
with you forever, I need to be with you forever. And if you walked away I would not cry, I'd die 

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As ooposed to what? Outer space?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(what else were you supposed to do with them?) 

These two old men were in a nursing home. One was named Bob and the other was George. George liked baseball. George
said,"Bob, if you die before I do, and you go to heaven then come back down to earth and tell me if they have baseball
up there."
"Ok!"says Bob.
A week later Bob dies.
He goes to heaven and comes back down to tell george what he asked.
Bob says,"George i've got good news and bad news."
Well of course Bob wants to hear the good news first!
"George the good news is there is baseball up in heaven."
"And the bad news?"George asks.
"The bad news is that your gonna be pitching tomorrow"


there will be more coming sometime