I'm going to put in lots of shit about me later. You'll be able to
read all about me and how fucking retarded I and my life are. You will
enjoy the joyous shit that is information about me. And dammit, you'll
Well, now is as good a time as any to get started on that. I'm a
teenage girl in high school - wow! Take a few minutes to get over the
shock of that statement; I know it's a bit much to handle all at once.
Then, proceed onto the next sentence: I'm a bit sarcastic. Now, I know
you probably didn't realize that, but believe it or not, it's true!
Another huge shocker. I hope that you're not entirely overwhelmed by
what I'm saying. If necessary, you can take another break at any time.
Here's a list of the things I love;
- BLT sandwiches.
- Being by myself.
- Physical pain. Not one for emotional pain.
- Causing pain. Both emotional and physical. Sadistic, am I?
- Loud, angry music.
- Slow, depressing music. Sometimes.
And a list of the things I hate;
- Conflict not initiated by me.
- Occasionally conflict I started.
4. Being forced to feel pain.
5. People who don't understand sarcasm.
6. Stupid people.
7. Pretty much just people.
Again, I'll add more to this later.
Alright, I'll admit it. I've been through a lot of tough shit lately -
who knows how long its been. But really, my entire life has been
plagued with crap that's out of my control and I'm finally starting to
feel the effects. It would seem that I'm losing it. The mask I put on,
pretending to be strong, from day to day, is breaking off; piece by
piece. Not the way that hearts shatter. No, much slower than that,
much more painful. Because every day the person that I've constructed,
the person that I've become, changes me more like the person I used to
be. The depression that consumed me for nearly three years, made life
Hell for me, is coming back. The jaws of the abyss open wide and
prepare to re-swallow me. But they take their time, because the longer
I am held in the suspense of fearing what is to happen, the more easy
prey I become.
In some ways, I'm better today than I was when I wrote that. In other
ways, I'm a little bit worse. I'm actually looking forward to tonight,
when I get to go scare the shit out of some dumbass middle schoolers.
It's a church function, but it's still fun. My friend spent the night
last night... Unfortunately, that didn't keep me from waking up in the
middle of the night crying from a nightmare that my "brother" - slash
best friend slash guy I'm not actually blood related to, but still
love - died. Even freakier is the fact that my other friend, who was
supposed to come over today, had a dream exactly like it about the
same guy... Scary. Depressing. Then he got on Facebook today, after
being at basic training for two months. That's where the worse part
comes from. Now that he's in reach, but only just barely, it leaves me
wanting more. He can talk to me, but I can't give him a hug.
Makes me want to cry.
I used to say I didn't believe in love. Now, I only say that the only
true, perfect love I believe in is God's. I don't even know if real
love is possible between two human beings. Especially knowing that to
a girl like me, you can love and hate someone at the same time. It's a
bit too complex for my preferences... At the same time, I think it's
possible to be in love. I have been. Too often, it ends up that you're
not in love with the actual person; just the person you thought they
I'm so tired of it all. Seriously, what's the point anymore? I keep
trying to be a good person and all I get for it is more shit on my
shoulders. It's like the world is constantly beating on me, trying to
make me regret being who I am. Well, I do. Happy now? It hurts me that
I'm the one who can't bear to tell others when she's suffering because
she doesn't want to burden them. Quite literally, it hurts. I'm
physically hurt. And it hurts me even more that even when I try to be
good, when I try to put things right, nobody will pay any attention to
it. It's just me being some incapable, stupid teenager. So young and
inexperienced. Apparently my efforts are worthless because I don't
have years of pain behind them. I'm restless. I don't sleep; I wake up
from nightmares every night now. I'm constantly tired, always
depressed when I'm not with other people yet somehow I always desire
more time alone. It drains me to pretend to be happy around everyone
else, and as exhausted as I am, I can't afford more of that. And my
medical problems are growing - on top of insomnia, there's this damn
cyst and I'll probably need surgery, my back is thoroughly fucked up
and my parents won't take me to a fucking chiropractor so I can get it
fixed. And on top of that, I could quite possibly permanently lose one
of my best friends, my family spends all their time together screaming
at each other because my brother is an ass, I get yelled at for shit
that's not my fault... I have problems and I can't tell anyone about
them because I'm stupid and weak and I want to keep my one shred of
independence that I have left. How ignorant of me.