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psychicapparatus  
20 F United States of America
speaks English and Spanish
Last login: 25 March 2011
 
KupiCredit: 0
Sent comments: 5
Received comments: 3
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Member since: 23 October 2010
 ego, superego, & id.

I'm going to put in lots of shit about me later. You'll be able to read all about me and how fucking retarded I and my life are. You will enjoy the joyous shit that is information about me. And dammit, you'll like it.

----

Well, now is as good a time as any to get started on that. I'm a teenage girl in high school - wow! Take a few minutes to get over the shock of that statement; I know it's a bit much to handle all at once. Then, proceed onto the next sentence: I'm a bit sarcastic. Now, I know you probably didn't realize that, but believe it or not, it's true! Another huge shocker. I hope that you're not entirely overwhelmed by what I'm saying. If necessary, you can take another break at any time.

Here's a list of the things I love;

  • Ibuprofen.
  • BLT sandwiches.
  • Being by myself.
  • Physical pain. Not one for emotional pain.
  • Causing pain. Both emotional and physical. Sadistic, am I?
  • Loud, angry music.
  • Slow, depressing music. Sometimes.

    And a list of the things I hate;
  • Insomnia.
  • Conflict not initiated by me.
  • Occasionally conflict I started.
    4. Being forced to feel pain.
    5. People who don't understand sarcasm.
    6. Stupid people.
    7. Pretty much just people.

    Again, I'll add more to this later.

    ------

    Alright, I'll admit it. I've been through a lot of tough shit lately - who knows how long its been. But really, my entire life has been plagued with crap that's out of my control and I'm finally starting to feel the effects. It would seem that I'm losing it. The mask I put on, pretending to be strong, from day to day, is breaking off; piece by piece. Not the way that hearts shatter. No, much slower than that, much more painful. Because every day the person that I've constructed, the person that I've become, changes me more like the person I used to be. The depression that consumed me for nearly three years, made life Hell for me, is coming back. The jaws of the abyss open wide and prepare to re-swallow me. But they take their time, because the longer I am held in the suspense of fearing what is to happen, the more easy prey I become.

    -------

    In some ways, I'm better today than I was when I wrote that. In other ways, I'm a little bit worse. I'm actually looking forward to tonight, when I get to go scare the shit out of some dumbass middle schoolers. It's a church function, but it's still fun. My friend spent the night last night... Unfortunately, that didn't keep me from waking up in the middle of the night crying from a nightmare that my "brother" - slash best friend slash guy I'm not actually blood related to, but still love - died. Even freakier is the fact that my other friend, who was supposed to come over today, had a dream exactly like it about the same guy... Scary. Depressing. Then he got on Facebook today, after being at basic training for two months. That's where the worse part comes from. Now that he's in reach, but only just barely, it leaves me wanting more. He can talk to me, but I can't give him a hug.

    Makes me want to cry.

    ------

    I used to say I didn't believe in love. Now, I only say that the only true, perfect love I believe in is God's. I don't even know if real love is possible between two human beings. Especially knowing that to a girl like me, you can love and hate someone at the same time. It's a bit too complex for my preferences... At the same time, I think it's possible to be in love. I have been. Too often, it ends up that you're not in love with the actual person; just the person you thought they were.

    -------

    I'm so tired of it all. Seriously, what's the point anymore? I keep trying to be a good person and all I get for it is more shit on my shoulders. It's like the world is constantly beating on me, trying to make me regret being who I am. Well, I do. Happy now? It hurts me that I'm the one who can't bear to tell others when she's suffering because she doesn't want to burden them. Quite literally, it hurts. I'm physically hurt. And it hurts me even more that even when I try to be good, when I try to put things right, nobody will pay any attention to it. It's just me being some incapable, stupid teenager. So young and inexperienced. Apparently my efforts are worthless because I don't have years of pain behind them. I'm restless. I don't sleep; I wake up from nightmares every night now. I'm constantly tired, always depressed when I'm not with other people yet somehow I always desire more time alone. It drains me to pretend to be happy around everyone else, and as exhausted as I am, I can't afford more of that. And my medical problems are growing - on top of insomnia, there's this damn cyst and I'll probably need surgery, my back is thoroughly fucked up and my parents won't take me to a fucking chiropractor so I can get it fixed. And on top of that, I could quite possibly permanently lose one of my best friends, my family spends all their time together screaming at each other because my brother is an ass, I get yelled at for shit that's not my fault... I have problems and I can't tell anyone about them because I'm stupid and weak and I want to keep my one shred of independence that I have left. How ignorant of me.



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