warofmylife is my new account
that diary was me venting. you know i fucking cried over you. it
fucking hurt so bad. do you know what i fucking thought? "who stole
his heart?" honestly. i leave for a month and the last thing you say
is "ill wait for you forever, i love you" and you come back like that.
after a month i get that. you dont know what the fuck i think or feel.
you dont know why i do what i do
1. you make me completely miserable - song by lit lucas. A FUCKING
2. hes like a let cute version of you, but he'll have to do - FUCKING
3. im at the war of my life - JOHN MAYER. song.
4. i used to be so happy, you used to make me laugh so hard. - ill
admit, that one was about you, you know, about 5 years ago i used to
laugh constantly. then my fucking dad changed. thats what the first
part is about, the second part is you. im sure you could still make me
laugh but you broke my fucking heart.
luc, you cant fucking build me up and tear me down like that. you cant
fucking do it. its mean. you said forever and then you breakup with
me. last time you brokeup with me and i thought i was dying. you know
i thought up a million ways i could die. i told taylar i was just
going to drive into a ditch or try drowning myself or get into a
wreck. then you come back and you say youre sorry.
before the alex thing, you break up with me over my past. then you
want me again. make up your fucking mind. do you want me or not? you
cant keep breaking my heart just because you keep feeling different
things. you cant break my heart because you feel bad one day. im a
human. i have feelings. i cant deal with that shit. especially since i
have depression. everything can be perfect and i can still want to
die. thats how sick my disease is. it kills me. it takes the life out
of me, but you always replenished it. you cant do what you did to me.
you've been the only thing that's kept me together since 2009. im not
dead because of you.
im going to get something off my chest, YOU FUCKING HURT ME WHEN YOU
BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE OF ALEX. that was stupid. i know you were
pissed, but that killed me. it tore me up. you fucking broke up with
me because of my past. i know every bit of your past from the things
you told me about when you were a little kid and all of those things
and i still loved you. i still love you. i told you i couldnt fight
for you again because i didnt have the energy, but honestly what am i
doing now? im fighting for you. there i go again. im being drained
lucas. i need you. and i need you to stop breaking it off when you
feel bad. i feel bad all the time and i dont do that to you because i
love you. because you make me happy.
you know, the last message you left me on inrepair. you deleted before
i could reply, but im going to reply here.
you told me every fucked up part of you, so here i go.
im a chain smoker.
i drink when im upset which happens a lot. i have multiple diseases.
depression. i wrote my own fucking suicide letter. im not good.
i have multiple eating disorders. when i was a little girl i had binge
eating disorder, which caused my weight to go up. last year in august
i started a diet where i ate less than 500 calories a day. thats when
i wouldve been diagnosed with an eating disorder. then i didnt eat for
weeks. literally, nothing. thats when i couldve been diagnosed as
anorexia. i can tell you the amount of calories a lot of things have
in them. last year, my hair started falling out more than usual. i
bruise easier. last year before i had eating problems id get dizzy in
the mornings and i had to stay home from school for days and days
because id wakeup and id collapse right away. i didnt have the energy
to get up and go. then my eating problems happened and fucked me up
more. i was getting dizzy everyday. finally when i stopped eating,
after day 5 of not eating i felt so powerful. id get this ultimate
high off of not eating. id look at others and think in my head "wow
look at what this person is eating. i havent eating in 5 days. im way
better" not because thats me, but because thats a disease. i have
blackouts too. i bet you didnt know that. actually no, you didnt.
because i never told you. its stupid. i blackout sometimes for a few
minutes and i wakeup and i cant remember anything. i actually have
problems remembering a lot. thats probably my eating disorder. ive
lost tons of brain cells from not eating.
oh, and i probably have cancer and diabetes.
you may be going down and you dont want me going down with you, but
sometimes you cant always have it your way. sometimes you have to let
the other person choose what they want to do. i want to go down with
honestly luc, you're so fucked up, but honestly, i am too. i want to
be fucked up with you.
if i could be with anyone else in the world as fucked up as me, id
want to be with you.
thats all i want to say.
i know you deleted. you may never see this either.
but i want you to know, i hope how i feel for you makes you come
i deserve you and you deserve me.
you may think you're fucked up but god damn you're the most beautiful
person ive ever seen in the world.