Taken From: Here
For many people, their parents' divorce marks a turning point in their lives, whether the
divorce happened many years ago or is taking place right now.
About half the marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so children of divorce
are certainly not alone. But when it happens to you, you can feel very alone and unsure of
what it all means. It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce — and have
a good family life in spite of some changes divorce may bring.
Why Are My Parents Divorcing?
Parents divorce for many reasons. Usually divorce happens when couples feel they can no
longer live together due to fighting and anger, or because the love they had when they
married has changed. Divorce can also be because one parent falls in love with someone
else, and sometimes it is due to a serious problem like drinking, abuse, or gambling.
It's common for teens to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault, but
nothing could be further from the truth. Some teens may wonder if they could have helped
to prevent the split. Others may wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more
within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades. But
separation and divorce are a result of a couple's problems with each other, not with their
kids. The decisions adults make about divorce are their own.
If your parents are divorcing, you may experience a lots of feelings. Your emotions may
change frequently, too. You may feel angry, frustrated, upset, or sad. You might feel
protective of one parent or blame one for the situation. You may feel abandoned, afraid,
worried, or guilty. You may also feel relieved, especially if there has been a lot of
tension at home. These feelings are normal and talking about them with a friend, family
member or trusted adult can really help.
How Will Divorce Change My Life?
Depending on what happens in your family, you may have to adjust to many changes. These
could include things like moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents
separately, and perhaps dealing with parents' unpleasant feelings toward one another.
Your parents may go to court to determine custody arrangements. You may end up living with
one parent most of the time and visiting the other, or your parents may split their time
with you evenly.
Some teens have to travel between parents, and that may create challenges both socially
and practically. But with time you can create a new routine that works. Often, it takes a
while for custody arrangements to be finalized. This can give people time to adapt to
these big changes and let families figure out what works best.
Money matters may change for your parents, too. A parent who didn't work during the
marriage may need to find a job to pay for rent or a mortgage. This might be something a
parent is excited about, but he or she may also feel nervous or pressured about finances.
There are also expenses associated with divorce, from lawyers' fees to the cost of moving
to a new place to live.
Your family may not be able to afford all the things you were used to before the divorce.
This is one of the difficult changes often associated with divorce. There can be good
changes too — but how you cope with the stressful changes depends on your situation,
your personality, and your support network.
What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make Divorce Easier
Keep the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along. Teens find
it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each
other. You can't do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you
can ask them to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might
be saying about each other. No matter what problems a couple may face, as parents they
need to handle visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress their kids may
Be fair. Most teens say it's important that parents don't try to get them to "take
sides." You need to feel free to relate to one parent without the other parent acting
jealous, hurt, or mad. It's unfair for anyone to feel that relating to one parent is being
disloyal to the other or that the burden of one parent's happiness is on your shoulders.
When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about
the changes brought on by divorce, they can find help from a counselor or therapist. This
can help parents get past the pain divorce may have created, to find personal happiness,
and to lift any burdens from their kids. Kids and teens can also benefit from seeing a
family therapist or someone who specializes in helping them get through the stress of a
Keep in touch. Going back and forth between two homes can be tough, especially if
parents live far apart. It can be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent you see less
often because of distance. Even a quick email saying "I'm thinking of you" helps ease the
feelings of missing each other. Making an effort to stay in touch when you're apart can
keep both of you up to date on everyday activities and ideas.
Work it out. You may want both parents to come to special events, like games,
meets, plays, or recitals. But sometimes a parent may find it awkward to attend if the
other is present. It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially
because you may need to feel the support and presence of both parents even more during
divorce. You might be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this
problem and suggest it to both parents.
Talk about the future. Lots of teens whose parents divorce worry that their own
plans for the future could be affected. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce (like
legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college
or other things.
Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns — when there's enough time to
sit down with one or both parents to discuss how the divorce will affect you. Don't worry
about putting added stress on your parents. It's better to bring your concerns into the
open than to keep them to yourself and let worries or resentment build. There are
solutions for most problems and counselors who can help teens and their parents find those
Figure out your strengths. How do you deal with stress? Do you get angry and take
it out on siblings, friends, or yourself? Or are you someone who is a more of a pleaser
who puts others first? Do you tend to avoid conflict altogether and just hope that
problems will magically disappear? A life-changing event like a divorce can put people
through some tough times, but it can also help them learn about their strengths, and put
in place some new coping skills. For example, how can you cope if one parent bad-mouths
another? Sometimes staying quiet until the anger has subsided and then discussing it
calmly with your mom or dad can help. You may want to tell them you have a right to love
both your parents, no matter what they are doing to each other.
If you need help figuring out your strengths or how to cope — like from a favorite aunt
or from your school counselor — ask for it! And if you find it hard to confront your
parents, try writing them a letter. Figure out what works for you.
Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their
own changes it can feel like your own life is on hold. In addition to staying focused on
your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in as many of your normal activities
as possible. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things,
such as school activities and friends, the same. If things get too hard at home, see if
you can stay with a friend or relative until things calm down. Take care of yourself by
eating right and getting regular exercise — two great stress busters!
Let others support you. Talk about your feelings and reactions to the divorce with
someone you trust. If you're feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members
support you. These feelings usually pass. If they don't, and if you're feeling depressed
or stressed out, or if it's hard to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor
or therapist help you. Your parents, school counselor, or a doctor or other health
professional can help you find one. Many communities and schools have support groups for
kids and teens whose parents have divorced. It can really help to talk with other people
your age who are going through similar experiences.
Bringing Out the Positive
There will be ups and downs in the process, but teens can cope successfully with their
parents' divorce and the changes it brings. You may even discover some unexpected
positives. Many teens find their parents are actually happier after the divorce or they
may develop new and better ways of relating to both parents when they have separate time
with each one.
Some teens learn compassion and caring skills when a younger brother or sister needs their
support and care. Siblings who are closer in age may form tighter bonds, learning to count
on each other more because they're facing the challenges of their parents' divorce
together. Coping well with divorce also can bring out strength and maturity. Some become
more responsible, better problem solvers, better listeners, or better friends. Looking
back on the experience, lots of people say that they learned coping skills they never knew
they had and feel stronger and more resilient as a result of what they went through.
Many movies have been made about divorce and stepfamilies — some with happy endings,
some not. That's how it is in real life too. But most teens who go through a divorce learn
(sometimes to their surprise) that they can make it through this difficult situation
successfully. Giving it time, letting others support you along the way, and keeping an eye
on the good things in your life can make all the difference.