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Writing:Story Excerpt:Deception

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24 March 2010, 02:31 AM   #1
Guest Poster
Last edited by ‹Purgatorio›, 24 March 2010
Twilight can refer to either dawn or dusk; the rising or setting of the sun.
Whatever time it was when Isolde awoke didn’t matter, for the gentle sight of the
sun half-revealed in the distance would always be just as beautiful. Isolde sat up,
rubbed her eyes, looked down at the city below. Newspapers still wrapped in plastic
sat on the wet front lawns in front of the houses. Cars drove away from their
driveways off into the deep city. 
	“It’s morning. I’ve been out all night.” She said.
	The young lady leaned forward, her elbow dug into her knee and her chin rested in
her left palm. Her tired eyes betrayed her vibrant skin tone and her gorgeous golden
hair swaying in the wind. She remained in that position for minutes on end without
moving. Isolde sighed loudly, her chest heaved. The ever-increasing sound of
footsteps on the dirt approached her until another person took a seat by her side.
Isolde looked over to view who had taken their place next to her, turning silently.
Her eyes went wide, her heart beat rapidly, she began to tremble. 
	A dark-skinned man rested his chin on his right hand, staring off into the sun. His
crimson eyes screamed for rest and comfort, like Isolde’s. His silver hair flowed
in its string-like form. The man’s lips, black as night, were curved downward into
a frown. 
	“Levi-…” Isolde started before she was interrupted. 
	“Isolde, what’s the matter?” The dark-skinned man was gone, Daisuke took his
place. Isolde grimaced and furrowed her brow. I keep seeing him in Daisuke… They
don’t even look alike… How can I think them so similar…? I must know. Isolde
thought. She lunged for him quickly. She called out his name as she leaped. 
	“Isolde!?” Daisuke yelled, violently pulling away.
	“Shut up!” Isolde yelled back. “I need to know something. I need to feel
	“Feel what!?” 
	Isolde exhaled. Her chin rested on Daisuke’s shoulder, her heart calmed. She took
in a deep breath and sighed: “Your heart against mine…”
	Their chests were up against one another, Isolde’s arms wrapped around
Daisuke’s. Daisuke calmed himself, taking deep breaths, he wrapped his arms around
the young lady. They brought themselves closer together. Their eyes were the same,
staring off into nothingness, full of sorrow and pain. They breathed softly upon
each other’s skin. His heart… I need to feel his heart… Isolde pushed further
into Daisuke’s body. Her ample bosom pressed into his breast, they could feel each
other’s hearts beating. The two hearts drummed together, simultaneously, until they
became one beating heart. The man and woman held each other tightly.
	The man took Isolde’s chin in his hand and brought her head up to his. Isolde
looked at the man, eyed his features, and whispered: “Leviathan…” She closed
her eyes, as did the man, as they came closer. They both puckered their lips, dying
for them to meet. Isolde opened her eyes once again, but as they widened, she
quickly pushed the boy away. Daisuke sat stunned, watching as Isolde walked off into
the deep forest. Her right hand was placed over her heart. She left behind her as she
trudged away tiny droplets of tears. Daisuke looked back at the sun, which had almost
completely risen, and sighed heavily.
	“I’m sorry Isolde…” He whispered.
	“I thought… I thought that was what you wanted…”

24 March 2010, 05:08 PM   #2
Joined: 11 Mar 2009
Posts: 212
Last edited by Oroborus21, 24 March 2010
interesting scene...

a couple minor suggestions:

...on the wet front lawns in front of the houses

no need to say "front" twice...

it seems like when Isolde says she has been out all night she is saying it to no one in
particular..or maybe she is only really thinking it? if so say so...if youre just trying
to give the audience the information you can just say it plainly..

Isolde was tired from being out all night and surprised that it was already

24 March 2010, 06:12 PM   #3
Guest Poster
Yes, I'll be sure to fix that.
And Isolde often talks to herself. Not just for my convenience as the narrator having to
explain things, but due to certain mental conditions and whatnot with her own character.
I also find it better for the characters themselves to actively participate in the story
as well. Seeing as it is their story in the first place, they should be the ones to tell
I believe just going out and saying what's happened so plainly makes said event, even one
as small as waking in the morn, at least slightly more exciting or engaging.

24 March 2010, 06:30 PM   #4
Joined: 11 Mar 2009
Posts: 212
yeah im not saying it wont work or isnt good to have the characters speak, use monologue,
asides, etc, but in reading it, as a reader i was confused for a moment about whom she was
addressing....even just saying she said "out loud" would clarify it.

and actually maybe it was just where you set us at in the story out of context but it took
me several rereads to get a grasp (and even now i only have the vague notion of) where she
is laying or sitting...at first i thought it was in her house, then it seemed she was
outside her house, then you say the dirt...not sand....and so on...so im still unclear. it
seems to me she is sitting on a dirt mound overlooking some neightborhood of houses or
something and thats how it reads to me right now....or maybe you meant it to be an
outlook, cliff or bluff or hilltop..idk...its a rather odd place not to establish clearly
and then to have them making out or whatever they are doing there seems like an odd
place..who wants to roll around in dirt? not very romantic really..

remember that in order for the audience to even appreciate the story you want to tell
them, you have to do it in a way that isnt unnecessarily confusing in areas that don't
have to be ambiguous or arent ambiguous as part of the story or underlying meaning

24 March 2010, 06:56 PM   #5
Guest Poster
What you say is true indeed, I will agree and admit to the faults in this excerpt.
Concerning the confusion and whatnot, you did in fact get it at least partly right. Isolde
awoke early in the morn on a cliff on the outside of a forest-like area, a cliff which
overlooks the city.
The significance of the area itself is actually further within the story. It's a very
special place for Isolde and a certain other someone she knows who was only partly
addressed in this excerpt.
Of course, I would have needed to save that for anyone to know it, as not everyone is an
immense psychic or anything. But in reality, I'm more than likely going to at least try to
continue the story, which should be more than enough explanation for everything.

24 March 2010, 07:17 PM   #6
Joined: 11 Mar 2009
Posts: 212
did you take her name from the story of Tristan and Isolde or it was just a name that you
chose for some reason?

it sounds intriguing so far, keep it up

24 March 2010, 07:26 PM   #7
Guest Poster
I had first heard of it from a show I watched last year, which actually features Tristan
and Isolde.
So yes, that is where I got such a beautiful name.

24 March 2010, 07:49 PM   #8
Joined: 11 Mar 2009
Posts: 212
hmm you might want to do a bit of research into the deeper meaning of her character and
such it could be useful...keep in mind when readers (well the good ones anyways) encounter
a character with a well-known name they bring consciously and subconsciously a bit of
baggage about that person with them and it can influence their perception of your own

consider for example if i wrote a story and into the room walked a guy that I called
Voldemort.....even if the story i was telling awas about some guys who lived in a new york
apartment, all very mundane and having nothing to do with magic or the harry pottter
universe there would be a number of readers that would be like...hmmm ok....sorry i just
cant have you telling me about how Voldemort is this foppish gay guy who cant tell his
neighbor he is interested in him...

also it seemed lik eyour other character's name was Japanese sounding so a german Isolde
and a japanese Daisuke being involved..seems odd...

again though these are imperfect impressions, i understand a lot can be resolved with more

i thought your prose was decently good though, detailed but not over detailed ..just keep
in mind that action drives story better than description..

24 March 2010, 07:56 PM    #9
Guest Poster
I can agree with that. I know Isolde is a well known name, at least among some readers,
and that it can cause a bit of controversy. I chose the name for this character based on
my interpretation of how I thought the original Isolde would look. Not entirely similar to
how I saw her in the show I was watching, but just how I imagined a woman with such a name
would look.
I know it's a stupid thing to do when naming someone, but how I pictured Isolde(my
character) and her name fit very well together.
And the reason for the two different name origins is because Isolde was born in Germany,
moved over to Japan after a few years, and Daisuke is a native to Japan, therefore has a
Japanese name.
And I do base my prose heavily on detail. But only in situations like this, when there's
not a lot of action or two people trying to kill each other or something like that, I feel
it would be better if I gave a bit more sensory detail to set the mood, or something
similar to that. During big scenes with much action, such as a fight scene, I do really
drive the story along with the action.

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