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TITLE: The Worst Summer


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2 April 2010, 05:59 PM   #1
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Last edited by ‹∞ Directioner ∞›, 2 July 2010
I am rewriting my story, The Worst Summer. That's right I am going to go back and reread ALL of it. Then I am going to add a lot of stuff to it. This is where I am going to post the new story. Then you can tell me which is better. The reason I am doing this is because I realized that The Worst Summer isn't as good as I thought it was. In fact I reread some of it, and it sounds pretty stupid and really childish. I was not aiming for childish at all. Well, wish me luck! If you want to read the whole old story here is the link: http://kupika.com/discuss.php?id=d4a120ca4a20afiamu1z
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2 April 2010, 06:20 PM   #2
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
I rewrote the first paragraph.

Old --
Summer…is the worst thing that could happen. I know all you kids are screaming and yelling, because it is summer…well not here! You go swimming…in bathing suites (sometimes even without). Not here! Where do I live you say? I live in Colorado. WOW! Great place…well not really. It is freezing cold out here, and even in the summer! Try living out here, and you will never survive! Well, anyways this summer ( 2009 ) was the worst. Why you may ask? Well I will tell you why.
New --
Summer how do I describe it? Well, let’s see everyone is yelling and cheering, because you don’t have school for three months. Also, you have warm weather, and you can finally go outside and run around with no coats. Uh, the weather is finally warm enough, so you can go swimming. But here in Colorado you start to hate summer, especially if you are me. I have lived here in Colorado for my whole life, and never gone out of the state. You see my dad is kind of poor, so we can’t go far. I usually jut go skiing everyday, and trust me you get bored of it. Yet, this year 2008 summer was way different.
Which do you think is better? Oh, and I have no idea why I changed the year. I just kind of did. :D

2 April 2010, 07:38 PM   #3
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
I rewrote some more. I think it sounds better, but I don't know. What do you think?

Old --
It was the first day of summer…school was finally out. I knew my best friend, Nikkie, was waiting for me at the ski lodge to go skiing. I hurried up and threw a lot of layers on, and ran out the door. I walked all the way there when I heard my dad’s car. How can I hear it? It is really old, and it just sounds different from all the other cars. Anyways, I stopped walking and he stopped where I was. He rolled down the window slowly like he had something really important to say. “Hope in the car! I got to show you our new neighbors,” said my dad. Well, you see it is only me and my dad, and he just loves new neighbors. We get new ones every year. The people that move there just don’t like the cold. I wonder why, “No thanks. I am meeting Nikkie at the ski lodge,” I say, hoping not to meet them. “No, you got to met them.” “But dad…” “Get in!” I hoped in the car, and buckled up even though there weren’t going to be any cars, and it was only five minutes away. My dad pulled in our driveway, and he hoped out the car and ran to the neighbor’s house. I walked slowly, hoping no one would answer. I heard the doorbell and ran to the door. I almost tripped, but once you get used to the snow you never trip.
New --
It was the first day of summer, no worry about school work or the teachers yelling at you for being late or having to get up to an alarm clock ringing in your ears. I woke up at 9:00 am. I got out of my bed, and took a shower. Then I got changed. I put on some black sweats and a blue long selves shirt. I put on my snow pants, and headed downstairs. I looked around and my dad was at the table reading the newspaper. “Good morning,” I said. I grabbed a piece of bread and popped it in the toaster. “Morning,” said my dad. “Are you going skiing later?” “Yeah, why?” I asked. “I need to know where you are going to be,” said my dad. I nodded and out came my toast. I buttered it and then ate it really fast. I went in the hallway and put on my white boots and threw on my skiing coat. The coat was black. Everyone says I look best in that color. “Well, Nikkie is going to be waiting for me, so I have to go now. Bye dad!” I yelled, and out the door I went. I went into my shed and grabbed my skiing stuff. Then I started to walk down to the ski lodge. Okay, well I know I am sixteen and I can drive, but my dad only has one car and he needs to use it for work and stuff. So I just walk everywhere I can. Then all of a sudden I heard a car behind me. I turned around and it was my dad’s car. What is he doing here? I am half way to the ski lodge and I really don’t want to go back home just so I can make the house clean for him. He slowed his car down to my pace and rolled down the window closest to me. “The new neighbors are here,” he said. “So?” I asked while still walking. “You have to meet them,” said my dad. I groaned. I hate meeting the new neighbors. My dad and I get one every year. They move in over the summer and stay for a couple of months and then they complain about the cold weather. Just one month after that they are selling the house they moved into and are got of here. We never hear another word from them. “But dad, I am almost to the ski lodge and Nikkie is already waiting for me inside. I just can’t leave her hanging,” I said. “Lacey, you have to meet them. Who knows they might stay here for five years and you would never know a thing about them,” said my dad. I groaned again. My dad was serious about this. “Fine, but I am only staying for a little while,” I said. I got in the car and buckled. The only reason you had to buckle is because there are a lot of hills and if you fall off of one you better have your buckle on if you want any chance of survival. We didn’t talk for the five minute car ride. Finally, my dad pulled in the driveway. He got out and I followed him. He ran to the door and I walked really slowly. He rang the doorbell, and it was really cheerful. It sounded like it came from a warm state.

3 April 2010, 02:00 AM   #4
The Founder
Joined: 2 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
Last edited by ‹RushingStars★›, 3 April 2010
Wow, BIG improvement! Awesome job! Except for a few spelling mistakes, It's good!
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3 April 2010, 02:04 AM   #5
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Thanks!

Yeah, this TOOK A WHILE.

And then I was like super tired after it.

I felt like I was going to fall asleep.

SPELLING MISTAKES!?

Where?

Oh, GAWD I gotta go back and reread it AGAIN.

3 April 2010, 02:28 AM   #6
The Founder
Joined: 2 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
It's OK, we all have spelling mistakes. They weren't bad though, I mean, I could still
read it clearly. :D

I just wrote more of my newest story, check it out!
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20 April 2010, 09:40 PM   #7
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Well, I changed more of the story. I am now going threw all my stories just to reread
them and see if I have a new idea with them. Which I actually do with this story. Keep
reading to find out!

Old --
“Why, hello Mr.” said the lady that lived there. “Hi, I am Mr. Smell, your next door neighbor, and this is my daughter Lacey.” “Well, come in and meet my family!” she sounded real happy. Great I thought. “Boys you get down here or no winter jackets for you!” she yelled up the stairs. Yes, I thought they were from a warm state! I can’t believe it I hadn’t notice it before. The lady had a nice tan, and I looked at the coats and they were thin! They were going to be gone in no time. Then I heard two people ran down the stairs. “Oh and by the way I am Mrs. Flowers,” said our new next door neighbor. “So what is the big surprise?” asked the man. “Henry this is Mr. Smell, and his daughter Lacey.” God, how I hate my last name, and first name, it is so stupid. Then a boy about my age walked in the room. “Mom if I have to come down I will, but I have a lot of unpacking to do.” “Well, put that aside.” And the next thing I knew I had to take the next door boy (Tommy) to the ski lodge with me. Great know what Nikkie is going to think? When I got there I saw Nikkie right away, and walked up to her.
New --
“Fine, but I am only staying for a little while,” I said. I got in the car and buckled. The only reason you had to buckle is because there are a lot of hills and if you fall off of one you better have your buckle on if you want any chance of survival. We didn’t talk for the five minute car ride. Finally, my dad pulled in the driveway. He got out and I followed him. He ran to the door and I walked really slowly. He rang the doorbell, and it was really cheerful. It sounded like it came from a warm state. Finally, a lady answered the door. She had dirty blond hair with a few gray hairs in it. I could tell she was a little older maybe around 50. She also wore a long sleeve shirt with a snow man on it and jeans. “Hello,” said the lady. “Good morning,” said my dad. “Isn’t it such a lovely day to move?” Oh, my god, why did my dad have to try small talk? “I’ve been in better,” said the lady. My dad nodded like he agreed. God, I just can’t wait until she moves into a retirement home fifty miles away. “I am your next door neighbor, Mr. Smell, but you can just call me Bob, and this is Lacey my daughter,” said my dad. Oh, I just love how he has to drag me to these little meetings with the neighbors. “Hi, I am Mrs. Flower but you can just call me Rachel,” said the women. “Oh, and you may come in.” She opened the door wider. My dad walked in and I followed. God, did I mention how much I hate meeting new people that aren’t my age and will move away in less than a year? I and then I almost made an oh-my-god face. There were coats hanging up on hangers. They were super thin. Like summer coats from a really hot place. Then I noticed the shoes that were on the floor right by the door. They were opened toe shoes. These people will be gone in no time! I took off my shoes and coat just like my dad. Then we moved in the living room. They already had everything set up. I sat down in a chair and so did my dad. Then Mrs. Flowers put down some cookies on the table. Then two men walked into the room. Well, I should say an older man and a guy who looked my age. “Rachel, who was at the door?” asked the older guy. “Oh, Henry our neighbors were at the door,” said Mrs. Flowers. “Henry this is Mr. Smell and his daughter Lacey. Oh, Tommy I didn’t see you there! Mr. Smell and Lacey this is Tommy.” Oh, just joy. We all knew each other. Great…now can I go skiing? Then my dad, Mr. and Mrs. Flowers started to have a nice conversation about the weather. Can you just leave now before you freeze your butts off? I drifted off. I heard the same conversation before with all the other neighbors. I have no idea how much time passed, but the next thing I knew my dad was saying my name.

2 July 2010, 04:33 AM   #8
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Last edited by ‹∞ Directioner ∞›, 2 July 2010
Since I was really bored and couldn't fall asleep I decided to write more of the story.

Old --
And the next thing I knew I had to take the next door boy (Tommy) to the ski lodge with me. Great know what Nikkie is going to think? When I got there I saw Nikkie right away, and walked up to her. “Hey,” I said. “Hey, you are one hour late!” yelled Nikkie. “Sorry, but my dad made me bring him,” I said while pointing at Tommy. I guess she finally noticed that h was there, because her look changed. She also gave me a look. You know the look he-is-cute-you-lucky-duck. I hate that look just like my name and last name.
New --
“Huh?” I asked. “Can you take Tommy to go skiing with you?” asked my dad. I just nodded. Whatever…like he would come. But to my surprise he actually did. When we finally got Tommy a coat (my dad’s) and all the other stuff (mostly my dad’s), we were already forty-five minutes late. And that is not including the time we had to walk there. The walk was mostly quiet. All I really heard was the crunch under our feet and the cars zooming by. Finally, we reached the ski place. I walked right in and saw Nikkie sitting at a table with hot coco. I walked right over and sat down. Of course Tommy followed me. “You are an hour late,” said Nikkie to me, but then she noticed Tommy and brightened up right away.
I know its short, but I hope its better than what I had.

2 July 2010, 04:46 PM   #9
The Founder
Joined: 2 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
In #7, I saw you used "God" or "Oh my God" several times. Just be sure to not overuse
that or other prases.
Also, you probably don't know this since I haven't even know it for a long time, but
there's this thing call a comma splice.
It's when a comma is seperating 2 complete sentences. So you have to replace the comma
with eaither a period or a semi-colan.

So besides grammatical errors, I like it! Big improvement!
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2 July 2010, 04:51 PM   #10
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
When you are wide awake, sitting in your basement, typing up a story I am pretty sure you
wouldn't be worried about grammar.

That and like right now...I am home alone and my mom didn't even write me a note!

That's because I didn't wake up until 11:30. -_-

2 July 2010, 04:54 PM   #11
The Founder
Joined: 2 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
Yeah, whenever I'm typing a story late at night (which has been often) I don't exactly
care about grammar either.
LOL.
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22 July 2010, 06:50 AM    #12
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
I typed up like two sentences. Well, that's what it feels like. I just am like really
tired and not so interested in this story anymore. I am trying to livin' it up a little,
but its SO hard. Anyways, tell me what you think!

Old --
“Sorry, but my dad made me bring him,” I said while pointing at Tommy. I guess she finally noticed that h was there, because her look changed. She also gave me a look. You know the look he-is-cute-you-lucky-duck. I hate that look just like my name and last name. “Oh, well let’s go skiing,” Nikkie said a little too happy.
New --
“Nikkie this is Tommy. Tommy this is Nikkie,” I said. Then she put her hand out to shake. He took it and shook it. “So Tommy where do you live?” Nikkie asked. “Next door to Lacey,” said Tommy. I wanted to groan so loud, but I didn’t. Then Nikkie smiled. “Well, let’s go skiing,” said Nikkie. Then we got up from the table. I grabbed my ski stuff. Nikkie stopped me, from walking out the door. “Where is he from?” asked Nikkie. I shrugged. “Some warm state, I guess,” I answered. Nikkie nodded. Then she ran up to Tommy. They talked for a little bit. Then Nikkie turned around and flashed me a big smile. What is that smile for anyways?



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