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Colorful Sin

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31 July 2009, 03:43 AM   #1
Joined: 30 Jul 2009
Posts: 3
Well, a story I was working on is called "Colorful Sin" obviously from the title. I was
wondering if anyone could read through it and give me pointers and maybe help me with my
grammar because I suck at life ._. 


Since it's like 40 pages right now and I don't want to like spam this thing I'll put a few
pages up and if you find it interesting and something you could help me out with please
message me. ^_^

Chapter one:

"Well... That's everything." A sigh. "I can't believe I'm actually moving..."


"Coming dad..."

Another sigh.

My name you might be wondering is Agosto Sampson. I'm the only girl of 8 kids and my mom
passed away ages ago. I'm the youngest of them all. I actually make myself look more like
a guy so I fit in better. I kind of put my female problems to the side most of the time. 

I don't know the meaning of makeup, dates, or even boyfriend. Actually in my old school I
was asked out... By a few girls. They thought I was a guy. And of course it's SO cute to
see the youngest of the Sampson's. And with a name like Agosto, your bound to be
considered a guy.

My hair is really short and black but I always have my dark green hat on. The shadow
covers my eyes, thankfully. My eye color is a strange light green. It sort of looks like
seawater in a really cleaned Caribbean. My brothers and I have names that represent the
months, mine was obviously August.

Deci. That’s short for December, which quite fits him. He's very quiet and usually quite
cold. His hair is a really weird light blonde color that is slicked back and there are two
short strands that lay on his forehead He has blue eyes that are really light. Just one
disapproving stare from him makes you go crazy. He's quite a mean person most of the time.
He scares me when he gets like that. He usually wears a nice type of suit or really nice
dressy clothes. He's a Senior in Collage.

Julius. He has a very bad temper. That's ok because he's July. His hair is black that is
somewhat long and sticks out in multiple directions and his eyes are a real dark blue. He
never stopped cursing even when our dad was right in front of him. He's very open minded
and says whatever he feels. Between his brain and his mouth, there's no filter. He always
has his red sweater on, it zips up and for some reason doesn't have a hood and on the
chest there's a small fire emblem. He's a grade ahead of me. 10th.

Mars. His is French for March. He's very affectionate and sweet. He has somewhat of long
dirty blonde hair and big puppy dog brown eyes. Usually he's hugging onto Novembre being
how both of them are twins. He's more loving then Novembre though. He's the sweetest one
in the family. His shirts are always cute. One has two stick figures holding hands with a
smiling sun that says 'Love'. You could never picture Mars mean. He's in 11th grade but
looks like he should be in 7th.

Juin. He's June and also French. He's the funny one and he's always making people smile.
His hair is black that is shorter than Julius' slightly and sticks up with a few strands
on his forehead and his eyes are a lighter blue than Julius' eyes. Him and Julius are twin
brothers. Even thought he's really funny he does get into heated arguments with his twin.
He has a short sleeved shirt that ends a few inches above his belly button. He also has a
vest that the arms were ripped off and the lower parts were frayed and ripped as well. He
usually had low rider pants too. Like his twin, he's in 10th grade.

October. We usually call him Octopi and he gets kind of annoyed. He's really calm,
strangely calm. You could continuously call him names and he'll stand there and nod with a
sweet smile. He is the only one with light brown hair. The style was he had bangs that
some of them went in his eyes and some didn't reach to his eyes. He had a regular haircut
but there was a long strand of hair that reached his collar bone on his left side. He gets
the color from our grandmother. He has green eyes too. He looks like he doesn't belong in
a family with nothing but black and blonde hair and brown and blue eyes. But I suppose
blue and brown make green in genetics. He used to have blue eyes but they changed. Me and
him are the only ones with green eyes. His are slightly darker though. He wore a plain
white T-shirt with a dark blue tie and black slacks. He's a Senior in High School.

Gannaio, January in Italian. He has black hair that was long in the front on his side
bangs and were parted to the side with shorter hair in the back and a really light blue
colored eyes. Its more of an turquoise. He was pretty happy all the time. It was cute. His
clothes were slightly bigger that him. He was a Freshman in collage. 

Novembre. He had really dark blonde hair that was real spiky and really light, nearly
golden looking brown eyes. He's pretty bipolar. It's scary sometimes. Him and Mars were
twins. Which is odd considering how sweet Mars is. His shirts always had some type of
weapon on them. Like Mars he's in 11th grade.

I guess you could say twins were pretty common in our family.

"Octopi." I said softly as he walked passed my room. He paused and smiled softly at me.

"Yes, Gus?" He said and I nudged a box.

"Do you think you could help me move this to the moving van?" I asked and he nodded and
walked over. 

"No problem." He picked up the box with ease and brought it out to the truck. I sighed. I
would've helped him.

"Get your ass out here!" Julius yelled from downstairs and I sighed and looked around. I
had everything.

I walked downstairs and Mars smiled cutely.

"Ready little sis?" He asked and I nodded slowly and he picked me up bride style. "I get
to sit next to Gus!"

"No fair. I wanted to." Gannaio pouted then smirked.

"She has two sides to her dumbass." Juin grinned wildly and I rolled my eyes.

"Language." My dad said and Juin smiled.

"The language is English." He answered wittily and my dad smacked him slightly upside the
head. "Right, cursing is French. Like my name."

"Just... Stop living." Julius mumbled and we all got into the car.

"Your boobs need to grow." Juin smirked while looking at my chest and I blushed and
covered myself.

"Honestly sis, your in the pre-teen section still. Meaning double A." Julius said and I
covered my face.

"So what? I don't care." I mumbled and Deci looked back at them.

"Stop teasing her. It's not her fault she's with a bunch of assholes." He said completely
straight faced. I smiled. That's Deci's way of protecting me.

"Thank you Deci." I said and he nodded and sat in the front.

Well thats the most I'll bore you with, but basically its a story about reincarnation and
such. Theres more interesting things that happen... I'll show you a very humorous part
with one of my favorite characters, Periwinkle.

"Shut up Taupe. I'm being chased by Amaranth. You know that's not fun... Oh... Hi. Sorry
person. My name is Periwinkle. Yes... The name screams 'I'm a gay homo, please beat me up'
but that's ok--"

"There you are you little weasel!!" This boy was quite different. His hair was pink,
spiked up slightly on the top but looked soft at the same time. He had regular messy bangs
across his forehead and the two side pieces on the side of face that curved to his chin.
He had a light green vest that completely contradicted his hair color with a black shirt
under that and regular pants. 

"Fuck me Freddy... Mmmm.... I need to fuck a Freddy." Periwinkle's eye shimmered. "It's
been a whole 3 days..."

"That's very interesting. Listen, my name is Taupe. Your new aren't you? Probably since
you look completely useless and lost." The boy with the glasses said and I blinked.

"Yeah mind the blunt 4-eyes. He's blunt to the point of being an asshole. Nobody loves
him." Periwinkle said and was dragged away by Amaranth by his braid. "I REGRET NOTHING!!"

"Shut the fuck up." Amaranth glared and Taupe turned to face me with a sort of sarcastic
asshole look to him.

"I'm guessing you have no idea where you're going. How about I help you find your
homeroom." He said and I blushed.

"Uh. Yeah. That would help... If you don't mind." I said and he laughed softly.

"Oh not at all. I very much enjoy wasting my time." He smiled politely and I blinked. How
was someone so nice looking... But a total asshole?

Well thats when she starts meeting the "sins" which names are colors. WOW how weird that
its the title?! lol. So honestly, some feedback? :3

9 August 2009, 12:21 AM   #2
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
I have a question:

What is the problem in this story?

9 August 2009, 01:55 AM   #3
Joined: 12 Jul 2008
Posts: 229
This was great. And funny. I loved Periwinkle and Amarath. Taupe sounds hot..

12 August 2009, 07:15 PM   #4
Joined: 30 Jul 2009
Posts: 3
@Lucy: What do you mean the problem?
@Katee: Thank you :3 I love Periwinkle and Amaranth. Taupe is hot xD He's like... 6'2,
sweater vest, tie, glasses, shoulder length messy hair. I love him <3

13 August 2009, 03:48 PM   #5
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Well, every story there is a problem. Your story is just there. I mean it is good, but I
WAS wondering what the conflict/problem was. So what is the conflict/problem?

13 August 2009, 04:56 PM   #6
The Founder
Joined: 2 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
um you said when you call October Octopi he gets annoyed, but then you said he's really
calm and doesn't really do anything when people call him names.

so, does he get mad or not?
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17 August 2009, 01:18 PM    #7
Joined: 30 Jul 2009
Posts: 3
@Lucy: This is the beginning, the problem in the story is explained later on. Basically
the colors are sins. She finds that out later. And its her helping them get rid of their

@Imagination: You know how calm people get annoyed. They basically just kind of sigh and
hate the world but he doesn't show it to much. Agosto knows hes annoyed because she's
closest with him

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