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Southpark fanfiction: The Vampire kids and Goth kids

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23 December 2009, 08:24 PM   #1
Joined: 30 Jan 2010
Posts: 32
Chapter 2:Flash back of the goths.
The goth kids were already at the school in back of it just like they always were back in
middle school.''What do you think we should do I mean is there anything we can do other
than smoke?'' asked Henrietta.''Well lets just sit here a little while longer''replied
Dylan."Whatever'' said Henrietta half heartedly.Dylan began to stare into space thinking
back to when he and the other goths had met and formed there goth group.He, went to school
one day dressed in black he was different he loved to hurt himself alot and so on the
playground he had jumped high off from the staires that were there for going in and
exiting the school building.He began to look like he was in great pain even screaming
alittle but the truth was he loved the pain yet all the kids began to laugh at him and the
boys called him a fag and a wimp.Tears, began to come out of his eyes he hated how they
were so mean to him he really did feel like a wimp but when he stood up he punched someone
in the face and ran away from the school.The next day he saw a girl named Henrietta she
was being made fun of for being fat he decided to let her be a goth with him than
Kindergoth was walking past them one day he asked him what was wrong.He, looked at them
and told them how he was made fun of for crying alot on his first day of school after that
on his second day of kindergarten he was dressed in black with an emo hair cut.Finally the
tall goth Ethan was seen being shun from playing a game of ball with other kids just
because he had a big nose he asked to join the goth group and ever since than went to
school in black with a cane he rarely went to classes but still went sometimes unlike
Kindergoth who actually always still went to classes but than came to sit with the goth
group.Next he began to think about Stan who used to be a goth kid named Raven who hanged
out with them which only lasted a day or two.Conformist thought Dylan when he thought of
certain stuff the word conformist now instantly came to his mind.''Lets burn down the
school while everyone is still inside'' suggested Henrietta.''Ok'' replied Dylan like it
was the easiest thing to do like they would not have to worry about possible concequences.

23 December 2009, 08:51 PM   #2
Guest Poster
Jeeze. Okay, you need to work on paragraphing, dialogue, punctuation. . .grammar in
1. Wall-o-text is not a good way to get readers.
2. You need transitions. You just jump from one thing to the nest.
And no, this isn't "flaming". This is honest criticism.

23 December 2009, 08:56 PM   #3
Joined: 30 Jan 2010
Posts: 32

23 December 2009, 09:03 PM   #4
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Um...what happened to chapter one???

23 December 2009, 09:09 PM   #5
Joined: 30 Jan 2010
Posts: 32

23 December 2009, 09:13 PM   #6
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
But at the top it says Chapter 2...maybe its a typo?

23 December 2009, 09:17 PM   #7
Joined: 30 Jan 2010
Posts: 32

23 December 2009, 09:24 PM   #8
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Well, I think your story needs some help. You have run on sentences a lot. Plus, it
doesn't make sense that much.

23 December 2009, 09:25 PM   #9
Joined: 30 Jan 2010
Posts: 32

23 December 2009, 09:28 PM   #10
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Gee thanks 12 year old who shouldn't talk like that.

23 December 2009, 09:33 PM   #11
Joined: 30 Jan 2010
Posts: 32
Whatever bitch!

23 December 2009, 10:56 PM   #12
Guest Poster
Last edited by ‹SqueeneyTodd›, 23 December 2009
Constructive criticism is something that happens in a writing club.

CRY MOAR you whiny little kid.
I'm prepared to c*** punt.

23 December 2009, 11:11 PM   #13
Joined: 30 Jan 2010
Posts: 32
Your a bitch dyke asshole what a fucking dick cunt you piece of shit go and eat a cow you
fucking moron sicko I hope you die inside of an alien cake with your jaboki booty ass

23 December 2009, 11:18 PM   #14
Guest Poster
I love you, too! :D

23 December 2009, 11:18 PM    #15
Joined: 30 Jan 2010
Posts: 32
I love you too lover!

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