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24 July 2009, 11:07 PM   #1
Joined: 7 Jun 2011
Posts: 0
ok heres my book so far. ive barely done anything on it, but here it goes

CHAPTER ONE 
It was half past nine when i finally stumbled through to the schools parking lot. A few
people in the halls turned to look at me as I burst through the doors, completely out of
breath. Hey, It wasnt my fault! Today was my first - and last - year at springbrook
elementary. For some reason, I had insisted on walking, and my self-drawn map didnt make
things much easier. So i had ended up running , full force, to my new school. I quickly
gave everyone staring a cold look and half ran to my first class, still completely unaware
of where i should go.

The fact that I was going to highschool next year was not a happy thing. I absolutely
hated school! And It wasnt the whole people-staring or getting-nined-or-worse kind of
thing, it was how you - and many others - were trapped in a room learning how 50 + 50 does
not equal 5. I was never and still am not good at anything like that.

When I jogged down the last hall, I finally found it. My class. Relief washed through me,
but then i felt suddenly devastated. It seemed like staring was a popular thing in this
school. I could already see a couple turning heads as I made my way toward the door. I
hated it when people stared at me. It made me feel suddenly self concious, or like I had
food in my teeth or something. I still dont really know why it does that to me,
considering i dont even care what people think of me, but it always has done that.

There were full-fledged stares surrounding me as I made my way to the only empty desk, in
the very front of the room.  Great, i thought to myself as i sat down.

25 July 2009, 04:35 AM   #2
Guest Poster
Some things you need to work on is capitalization and punctuation. 'I's are always
capitalized if in single form. At the start of a new sentence, the first letter must also
be capitalized. Thankfully, you know to use paragraphs and I have no complaints about
that.

You didn't put in punctation for a few things. "Wasnt" is supposed to be "Wasn't". You
need to seperate it with a punctation mark. Don't capitalize letters after commas.

You also misused "-". 

"Today was my first and last year at Springbrook Elementary."
"-it was how you and many others were trapped in a room...."

You don't need to use the - for that sentence. Also you must capitalize names or brands.
For example.

I am 16 years old and a sophomore at Williams Highschool. My mother is called Sarah
James and my dad is Noah James. Someday, I aim to become a doctor at the prestigious May
Valley Hospital and where I will be called, "Doctor Phil."

Anyway, hope this helps! You might already know this but since you haven't corrected the
mistakes, I'll assume you don't. Also, put in a title.

25 July 2009, 04:38 PM   #3
Joined: 7 Jun 2011
Posts: 0
I know lol
i usually check over everything when ive finished writing the chapter.

26 July 2009, 08:32 PM    #4
Joined: 23 Feb 2009
Posts: 11
It was good. Check out charlie_the_unicorns story on her diary. There's like, loads of
chapters to this one story called runaway- its really good.



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