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Title:[can't decide on one]

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14 March 2010, 05:52 PM   #1
Joined: 14 Mar 2010
Posts: 155
Tiny droplets of rain landed on my pale skin,trying to distract me from my train of
thought.But this was one train I wouldn't get off untill it ended at the end of the
rail road.My eyes gazed out at the beautiful dead tree tops in the distance.There
were so many beautiful places in them.One of my favorite spaces is where the brances
are far apart so theres a huge gap.Another space had an even bigger gap that went to
deep for me to see where it ended.When I se al of the spaces I can see a dragon.A
claw fitting in the smaller gaps and a long tail coiling down the big gap.It's head
rests peacefully on the tops of the highest trees and it's shiny black eyes stare
into mine as if it is calling me,daring me to come to it's property.Deciding if I'm
good or evil,a friend of a fow.It's mouth curls open so I can see a bit of it's
teeth.Is the Dragon trying to scare me?Warn me that it's strong?I'm not scared
though.THe creature is to beautiful for me to fear.I stare into it's eyes as if I
can see everything I need into them.
    "Liza!Stop dreaming about those darn dragons and get back to reality so you can
help me put the cloths on the line!"mother calls and just like that the dragons
gone.As if it hadn't ever been there.I scramble up and over to the wash basket as I
grab handfuls of wet clothing.I shake them off before grabbing a handful of
clothespins wiht my spare hand.
    "Shake 'em out first Liza!"my mom screeches as I start to pin one up.As soon as
I'm done with this chore I race inside.I look at the clock and read the time.
"7:54"it read.I grab my bag and some burnt toast out of the toaster and I'm off.I
take off running dodging skate boards and bikes.

14 March 2010, 08:10 PM   #2
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Like the plot so far.

After every comma, period, question mark, and examination point you hit the space bar.

It just makes it easier to read for humans. 

Also, you have a few spelling mistakes.

I also noticed that you used TO when you were suppose to use TOO.

Otherwise than that I can't find anything else wrong.

14 March 2010, 09:45 PM   #3
Guest Poster
you just have punctuation errors, as said before.
but things like,
"Shake 'em out first Liza!"
it's "Shake 'em out first , Liza!" you have to put a comma before a name.
and just like that the dragons gone.
correction: just like that , the dragon's gone. really, it's just commas. also, spelling errors: *until (one "L") *see *all *It's is an abbreviation. Its (without the apostraphe) is possesive. *clothes yeah, they're probably just typos, and this is really annoying, ha. sorry. but these are pretty big, if you keep writing. I like how it's just a cliffhanger x.x I hope you write more(:

15 March 2010, 04:52 PM    #4
Joined: 14 Mar 2010
Posts: 155
Thanks. I'm doing the writing process for this. Draft,revise,edit,and final copy.Thanks
for the crits though.

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