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WRITING: Humor: Paris Hilton's Jailhouse Diary

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7 May 2009, 06:51 PM   #1
Joined: 11 Mar 2009
Posts: 212
(note I wrote this originally back when Paris went to jail for her thingy, a long time

Day 1 (June 2, 3, ..something…idk)

Dear Diary,

Well here I am in fucking Lynwood! I can’t believe this is happening. God I’m still a
bit buzzed from the MTV Movie Awards. It’s 4 a.m. and I don’t even want to lay down on
that thing they call a bed.I can’t believe this is happening. It seems so unreal. I miss
Tinkerbell. So I just got “processed” which was the worst. They gave me this hideous
orange top and pants which is so not right for my skin tone. I never wear orange eew! I
make it look hot though!

Ok so let me describe my cell. There are two beds and they are so not comfortable. A
table, sink and a potty and that’s it. I got a small tiny window but I can’t see shit
out of it. I don’t even have a mirror! Well it’s not as bad as the time I woke up in
that mexican’s place that one time in Rosarito – that was such a mistake – but its
almost as bad.

Well so far I don’t have a roommate or is it cellmate? Whatever. Omg! I just touched the
pillow. I swear the thread-count is like less than 50 or something! Well I’m getting
tired now Diary. I’m going to try and sleep on top of the blanket. Buh-bye! Luvs-You!

Day 2

Dear Diary,

This sucks. They woke me at 7 a.m. for breakfast which they give you in your cell like a
dog. I wouldn’t even treat Tinkerbell like this. What’s that smell? I got let out of
my cell for an hour and got to watch TV in the common room for an hour. They were all
watching Oprah so it was boring. The other girls seem nice though. I can’t believe I
have 23 days of this hell. I spent the rest of the afternoon in my cell trying to tidy it
up. It’s disgusting! If I only had some fabric and an accent lamp or two I could really
do something with it. I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Buh bye! Luvs-You!

Day 3

Who do I have to blow around here to get a decent meal? I swear I’m going to lose so
much weight in here. I couldn’t even touch my lunch. Mashed runny potatoes and cold
green beans and this disgusting gray-brown patty thing. What did they call it? Salsberries
steak? I’ve never even seen Salsberries before eeewww they must be gross! I wonder if
they have them at Trader Joe’s?

Oh still no roommate but I’m getting used to it. There’s not enough room anyway for
two people. I know the book company says I have to do a diary every day but this is so
much writing! My wrist is tired. Bye.

Day 4

Goddamn judge! I’m fucking Paris Hilton!!! This is so unfair. It’s just because I’m
rich and beautiful and famous. I bet that dirty ol’ perv wacks off to my photo
everynight! He probably got off having so much power over me! Arrrgggghhhh!!!! If I ever
meet him again I’m going to spit in his face I don’t care!!!! This is all his fault.
I'll show him! I'm going to sell this diary for millions. That asshole!

Day 5

Dear Diary!

Guess what??? I finally got a roommate!!!!! Her name is Rosie Delgado. Or is it DelRio?
Whatever. She’s Mexican of course. Or mabye she’s from Guatalamala??? Or maybe she’s
Puerto Rican?? Hmmm is Puerto Rico a state? I got to go there. I think they have nice
beaches and hot guys. It must be a state yeah cause I remember I saw Miss Puerto Rico in
the Miss American pageant. Anyways, we spent like the whole day talking. Well it was more
like I was doing all the talking and she seemed really interested. She kept nodding her
head and saying “uh-huh” and well yeah so I’m so excited to at least have someone to
talk to. I think when I get out I might even invite her over for dinner or something or I
could take her to the SkyBar yeah that would be so hot. And guess what Diary, I think she
likes me too because before she went to bed she said that tomorrow she’s going to spend
all day making me a Shiv. I’m not sure what that is though. I wonder if she thinks I’m

Day 7

Dear Diary,

Well you may have noticed that I skipped a day. Oh well! The publicist will fill it in
anyways. Well Rosie and me had a little misunderstanding I guess and they took her away.
They aren’t going to give me any more roommates. God I’m so bored. I just want to get
through this. I even wish Nicole was here. We would have so much fun it would be so hot! I
wonder if I can bribe the guards to let me watch TV? I’m kind of getting into Oprah now.
I wonder if I should go on her show first when I get out?

Well aside from the disgusting conditions it’s not so bad. And do you know what? I think
I could escape if I was in here long enough. It would be so easy. I swear some of the
guards are lesbian and want me. And I know the one male guard does. He looks hot in his
uniform too! Maybe I should give him my number? I miss Tinkerbell. It’s so not fair that
they won’t let him come visit me! Wow! I wrote a lot this time. K buh-bye Diary!
You’re my best-friend and you're so hot!

Day 10

God I need a drink. Today I spent six hours staring at the ceiling. I kept trying to like
Zen and let my mind go blank but I kept thinking of how good a Mohito would taste right
now. And besides I’m so bored my mind is blank anyways.

Day 14

I’m so sad. No one cares about me. Everyone hates me. I just want to give up and go away
and everyone can just forget about me. I’m not going to write anymore? What’s the

Day 21

Well they are saying that I might get out a day early because of my good-behavior. You
know I think that this hasn’t been so bad. I’m glad I showed everyone I could do it.
When I get out of here I want to go to Vert and just pig out on a Thai-spiced turkey
burger with a big order of crispy pom-frittes. I’m going to be better though Diary! You
wait and see. I'm still hot!

7 May 2009, 07:16 PM   #2
Guest Poster
love you work oroborus!

7 May 2009, 08:37 PM   #3
Guest Poster
lol!!! thats sooo funny!!!

7 May 2009, 10:23 PM   #4
Guest Poster
lol. sooooo funny.

8 May 2009, 11:49 AM   #5
Guest Poster
I LOL'D so hard at the "I never wear orange eew! I make it look hot though!" XD

The other ones are funny too!

9 May 2009, 05:59 PM    #6
Guest Poster
today is my birthday lol

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