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WRITING: Poetry: Untitled

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26 June 2009, 06:00 PM   #1
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Last edited by Manderlinaa, 28 June 2009
she flashes her sparkly eyelashes, he smiles looking deep into her ashes.
A dream, a scene, a memorie of her to be.
he wishes, he cries, to swim by her side.
 He dreams of her face, the way she used to sway from side to side from hip to hip.

Now she's dead, dead as a bird washed up on shore
silent as a slug poisened by a bug.
dead gone by nature, flashed away,
far away never to return till the very last day, 
when the sun will set, and he will die
 to be with his love,
for the rest of his life.

do u like it?
plz tell me!

26 June 2009, 08:40 PM   #2
Guest Poster
It's pretty interesting. You spelled some words wrong, and you don't use capitalization
for a lot of the lines.
Is this a free-verse?

The first line made me a bit, "Okay, what?"

"She flashes her sparkly eyelashes." That doesn't really make sense to me. "He smiles
looking deep into her ashes." I suggest seperating them into seperate lines, but I also
don't get what you mean by 'ashes'. 

The first part is okay, but I really liked the second part. But again, the second part
also has some problems. 
Meh, this is your poem though, and I might be wrong, but do you mean fish washed up on
shore? 'Cause then the fish would be dead....

If you want, look up poems and learn how they work.
Anyway, this is my review. Good job on this though.

27 June 2009, 12:34 AM   #3
Guest Poster
Last edited by Manderlinaa, 27 June 2009
FORMAT ; WRITING : Poetry : Title

27 June 2009, 05:20 AM   #4
Guest Poster
Oh yeah, that too. I didn't see that. Thank you Manderlinaa

27 June 2009, 07:12 AM   #5
Guest Poster
Its strange, but its unique and cool.

27 June 2009, 09:11 AM   #6
Guest Poster
sorry I'm not to good with poems lolz

27 June 2009, 11:10 AM    #7
Guest Poster
its good. as carliedi said its unique and i think its rreally kewl

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