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WRITING: The mysterious case


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26 June 2009, 03:07 PM   #1
Joined: 8 Apr 2009
Posts: 2
Part 1:  The truth

Clarissa shouted Aunt Dolly, your breakfast is ready.  Clarisssa threw her green duvet off
her bed and jumped out revealing her pink nighty.  Mmmmm...  I can smell Aunt Dolly's
cereal.  Clarissa dressed quicker than ever before and flung her now dirty nighty into the
laundry basket, where Hannah (the Detone's maid would wash it).  Clarissa felt a strange
feeling in her stomach but thought it was there because she was hungry.  Aunt Dolly was
staying with her because her parents went to Italy for an important meeting with their
client:  John Trew.  Clarissa always thought John Trew was up to no good.  Clarissa
wondered why her parents would leave her with her Aunt though, I mean I'm 15 years old I
can tak care of myself she thought.  Aunt Dolly had the wide grin she normally puts on
when she's happy but didn't say anything until after breakfast.  Clarissa, I need to tell
you something she said yet in a sort of whisper:  Your parents sent me an email just
before 5:00 a.m.  this morning saying that I will be staying with the Detone family
forever she cried and TRIED carrying me and throwing me in the air!  I'm so happy!  I
wasn't because just then I vomited or shall I say puked as Dana Colet (the most famous and
popular child at school)  woulod say when I threw up at school.  Oh, that reminds me I
need to go to school I said reaching my long fingers for my back pack.  Goodbye Aunt Dolly
I said in relief and gave her the lightese kiss on the cheek ever because to tell you the
truth she doesn't have a shower twice a day, not even once a day!!!  She lets out a gastly
odour!  There's the school bus, off you go now love.  Goodbye she shouted out the kitchen
window.  As I reached home from school (I was called into the office only to find out that
there was an emergency at home and I had to leave school early)  rushed into the now open
gates and could hear my Aunt and Grandmother (wait hold on, what is my grandmother from
France doing here and crying?!)  wailing.  I flew into the room only to find my Aunt
clutching the telephone with her teary hands from wiping tears away from her eyes and my
grandmothr sitting on the couch crying the hardest I had ever seen!  I'm sorry my child
but .... but .... your parents died on the way home from Italy.  John Trew was the last
person to see them but he said it was a sudden death and they both aren't coming back!! 
NOOOOOOOO!!  This can't be I screamed,  Grandma Willow tried to soothe me but it didn't
help and I ran up to my room!  I wan't to be a detective and find out how my parents
.....DIED!!!  

27 June 2009, 12:33 AM    #2
Guest Poster
...Well, as far as I can see, you can spell correctly and use periods, but I don't
really...understand some of it. I get the parents dying, and the detective part. And
there's an aunt in there too.

Advice:

Paragraphs. Paragraphs are important, and if you don't put it in paragraphs, it will be
hard on the reader's eyes and they will not want to read it.

Punctation is your friend. I can't understand who's speaking, who's thinking, and it
doesn't help that you seem to switch POVs. 

Dialogue is also put it new paragraphs. For example:

Jason laughed out loud and said wow this is going to be the greatest day of my life and
Mimi agreed. I know its such a nice day isn't it?
--
Jason laughed out loud and said, "Wow, this is going to be the greatest day of my life!"

Mimi agreed, "I know, it's such a nice day, isn't it"

See the difference?
You also misspelled some words, though they will be easy to fix since the rest of your
chapter is spelled correctly. This leads me to assume that you know how to spell.

Emoticons (I think is what they are called) are usually not used in stories. Authors
convey the feelings into words.

If you want, read some of the other stories on here, and learn from them. Good luck with
your story!


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