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28 April 2010, 02:34 AM   #1
Guest Poster
Last edited by ‹☮SmileyPeanut☮›, 8 May 2010
Preview,Tell me what you think!!

       The blazing flashes surrounded me. I began to perspire, it was getting hotter and
hotter. I looked down, my legs were GONE.
My room was a lost memory, all my belongings were ash. I was being engulfed by the flames.
It was painfull, I continued to cry as my hands witherd away and my mom's cries filled my
ears, and when I was positive that I was dead, I opened my eyes. 
        The clock read 12:03AM. I was in a puddle of sweat. But everything was fine.
Brownie, my black lab was curled up on the floor, all my books were on the big shelf, and
my phone was charging on the desk.I'd been having the exact same dream for years But
something was missing. I felt around my bed, then I flicked on the lamp and started to
frantically throw off the covers and throw the piles of junk on the floor behind me.
HELP!" I screamed. Then, I threw the pillow to the floor. I panted with relief, and held
the small, brown bear wearing a cowboy hat in my hands. I'd slept with it every night for
10 years, the first night being my 4th birthday. Dad had given him to me 5 years before
his death.I named the bear after him,Howard Wilkens.
                      Everyone always teased about being too childish, but I never heard
them. They didn't know what I'd been through.
I was a tomboy with only one friend, and a straight-A student. I was in bed for 5 months
with throat cancer when I was 5, probably because I was born premature. Meracuaosly, I
lived. I spent The rest of that year with my parents, mostly outside, So I had to start
school when I was 6. Now I'm 14, in the 8th grade. My name's Amanda Wilkinns, But My
parents and my best friend, Kathy, call me Andy.Not Amy. Just Andy.
                    I cleaned up, went back to bed, cuddled up with Howie, and fell
asleep, only to wake up in a few hours to another boring day of school.

28 April 2010, 02:49 AM   #2
The Founder
Joined: 2 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
Cool, like it so far! Not sure what it's about though...
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28 April 2010, 08:06 PM   #3
Guest Poster
I like it! (:
Can't wait for more!

2 May 2010, 11:48 PM   #4
Guest Poster
2 comments and 10 veiws. Seriously.

3 May 2010, 03:02 AM   #5
Joined: 21 Apr 2010
Posts: 26
Last edited by ‹Thoughtful Zombie›, 3 May 2010

I think that's the right word you're looking for.

I also see quite a lot of spelling errors. Spellcheck?
Another thing, when writing numbers, it's best to write it out, unless it's a big number
like 1868.

I advise something less direct. It isn't as appealing if you write out the story of their
life like that. :T

4 May 2010, 11:16 PM   #6
Guest Poster
Last edited by ‹☮SmileyPeanut☮›, 4 May 2010
oh.I forgot to run it through spell check. I'll do that.
Ok, I was just kinda in a rush.
I'm sorry, but if make it less direct I might as well just crumple it all up and toss it
in the trash.
Besides, IT'S FOR FUN. Why does it have to be perfect?
Everytime I try to write a simple rough draft, just off the top of my head, I get
I had a random thought about a story like this, and I didn't want to forget it, so I just
quickly jotted it down.
If you've got a problem with simple rough drafts, just don't read the stupid

4 May 2010, 11:45 PM   #7
Guest Poster
Last edited by ‹☮SmileyPeanut☮›, 8 May 2010
Chapter One: The Fight. (continued from preview)
           "Here Comes The Sun, here comes the sun...and I say it's alright" The radio
echoed throughout my room.The clock read 6:00am.
               "Uhg!I'm up! I'm up!" I said, turning it down. I kept it on to listen to my
favorite song. I opened the closet, and took out my day-glow orange top and some green
capris, and white sneakers. I got dressed and made my way to the bathroom, where I brushed
my teeth and combed my hair, and I was ready to start the day.
                                    "Today's friday," I told myself. "Next week is the
last week of school" I turned out the light and greeted mom good morning. Then I fed
Brownie while mom made breakfast. Wednesday had been the DisneyLand Field Trip, Kathy and
I were in a pair, and Kathy's dad came. We had gone on almost every ride, and I was still
exhausted. Testing was over, so there wasn't much to do, and when there isn't much to do,
everyone resorts to picking on me.

I have to go! Tell me What you think!

5 May 2010, 02:03 AM   #8
Guest Poster

I like your adjectives and how you described it in the first paragraph. And actually, this
club is for writers who want to share their stories. Part of sharing your story is letting
it be constructively criticized. You gotta remember that.

6 May 2010, 02:59 AM   #9
The Founder
Joined: 2 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
Last edited by ‹RushingStars★›, 6 May 2010
It's good! I like how you described her morning very simply but nice.

When people critisize it's becuase they want to help. Many of us are serious writers,
which is why we joined this club. But if you're not, and you just like to write for fun,
that's totally fine; you just gotta let people know. If you don't want people to critisize
then maybeyou could say so right before the story. Alot of other stories in here are rough
drafts and critisism will help make it better.:D
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8 May 2010, 02:03 AM   #10
Guest Poster

8 May 2010, 03:32 AM   #11
Guest Poster
Last edited by ‹☮SmileyPeanut☮›, 18 July 2010
Continuation of Chapter One

                                  When I Finished breakfast(bacon and eggs) Mom and I
walked down the stairs and I got into mom's truck.
                          "You're awfully quiet honey, what's the matter? Are you feeling
Okay?" Mom said as a worried look spread across her face.
           Mom had been so supportive since the news had come. I still remember it, I was
playing monoply with Kathy on a sunday afternoon in mid-June, when mom came walked in,
crying. She had recieved a letter from Irak saying that Dad had died in an army base
hospital. He was a  Captain, only 35 years old. He had been over there for only 2 years.
                              "Well, they pick on me. Whenever Mr. Walsh's back is turned,
they cuss at me, and call me Wimpy Wilkins and Stupid Andy," I replied
                        "You don't listen to them, okay? Stick with Kathy," Mom told me.
Kathy had such beutifull blond hair, blue eyes-and braces.Clinky-Clanky Kathy was what
everyone always said. All I had was brown hair in a ponytail, dark brown eyes, and a whole
lot of freckles.
            Before I knew it, Mom droped me off at Naranka Middle School. I put my  Blue
aero-pos-tale bag on my shoulder, and met Kathy at the tables.
                "Hey Andy, Guess What happened last night??"Kathy said.
                     "Good news are bad news?" I said with excitement. Kathy's eyes were
shining with delight.
                    "Franky proposed to Sarah, and she accepted!!"
                        "Great!" I said. Kathy came from a huge family, she had two
younger brothers and a sister, Joey,Michal and Katy, and when her father died her mom got
re-married to a kind widower with three sons and two daughters,Franky,Sam, Bobby, Latisha
and Charrolette which were all older than her. Franky was 21, and had been going steady
with Sarah Jones for two years. I had met both of them, and they were the perfect
couple.But I was just an only child.
                     "The Wedding's going to be really simple at the local church in three
months cause Sarah's jewish, and you're invited!" Kathy exclaimed.
       Before I could think of a reply a high-pitched "oh how wonderfull" followed by a
girly laugh came from behined me.
                  I slowly turned around.There was my rival,with his brothers behind him.
                           "Shut up Alan," I told my worst enemy. Alan Iyers had been
picking on me since first grade, and he had shouted out "Amy- the- dummy!" when the
teacher was out, and had gotton almost the entire class to tease me, and I'd just ran out
of classroom crying, all the way home.That's why I didn't like to be called Amy.
                        "Whadja Say? Huh? Huh? Ya  wanna mess with me, dummy?"
                             I glared at him. I grinded my teeth. Hot anger rose in my
                         "Whatcha gonna do? Are you gonna tell your Daddy?"
                    "I said, Shut up, and shove your ugly face up your ass," I said. Now I
was outraged.
                              "Oh no! She's gonna tell on me! She's gonna tell daddy. Wait
a minute, daddy's dead, isn't he. She's  gonna tell her DEAD Daddy!" He said. He and his
brothers burst out laughing.
                              I couldn't help it anymore. Cold Hate was burning in my
throat. My fists clenched. I was outraged, more than I'd ever been. Fire was building
inside me, I stared into Alan's deep, cold eyes, and before I could control it, I let
everything out, all the anger, all the hate, in one, powerfull punch. 
                                       Alan was in shock. So was I. His lip was bleeding
-a lot. Then he charged at me. I pushed him down, and socked him in the eye.Then I fell
down. As we strugled, I heard "Fight, Fight, Fight!" all around me. I didn't care. I just
wanted to teach Alan a lesson. Nobody NOBODY picked on MY dad.
                                "You think your all that! Your just a stupid punk!" I
screamed,randomly throwing punches and slaps-never missing. Then he hit me in the  jaw,
But I didn't feel the pain eventhough blood dribbled down my neck. Then I was ontop. I
thrust cold fists of hatred into his head, but finally, I heard Kathy's muffled voice
through the crowd.
                         "Andy! Andy! That's enough!"
                               I shut out all the noise. I got up and looked down at Alan.
His lip, jaw, and left cheek were bleeding. His eye was black. I stared in shock. Kathy,
who's face was even blanker than mine, gentley tugged me away. Alan slowly rose, wiped off
the blood, and walked away. He passed the school gates. He crossed the street. Then he
turned the corner, going out of view. No one was laughing. Before I turned around Alan's
twin(who was much taller and had much more muscels) gave me an odd look. Finnaly, Kathy
and I walked to the bathroom, I washed my face and neck.The rest of the day was pretty
casual. Somehow, the teachers never found out about the fight. No one ever told them. 
                       And I never got critisized by Alan or any of his five brothers

Tell me what you think.
I'm trying to make this more about her dad, I just wanted to add in some of Andy's
Plz Comment!!

8 May 2010, 08:52 PM   #12
Guest Poster
Will somebody plz comment?

8 May 2010, 08:58 PM   #13
The Founder
Joined: 2 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
It's good! Continue!!
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9 May 2010, 12:54 AM   #14
Guest Poster
I'm not sure what the seconed chapter should be about...

18 July 2010, 01:11 AM    #15
Guest Poster
I know it's been a long time,But I've decided to continue this story!! I have the plot
all figured out and I'm ready to write!! PLease continue to comment and critsize as much
as you want! Thankyou!!

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