[Crit]The String That Binds Us Login to Kupika  or  Create a new account 
 


 

[Crit]The String That Binds Us


16 June 2011, 06:28 AM   #1
Council
Joined: 12 Jun 2011
Posts: 53
Dear Seveik, I love her. She's brilliantly absurd, in the finest of ways. Shall I ask her for her hand? That delicacy seems so far beyond my reach. And then of course there is my everpresent fear of rejection. You'd enjoy her company, I believe. She's such a beauty and her soul is so full of love I believe it may burst. Pray tell, what shall I do? I do not believe I could stand to live another second without her. I want her close, close enough to touch. She's the gentelest of creatures, so fragile. I fear I may break her. But this feeling is overwhelming. What shall I do, Brother? What shall I do? Sincerely, Evrik Dear Evrik, Brother, you do realize you failed to mention her name once in that last letter? This is a sure sign of your affections. You have my blessings, but I had better not hear she is a hussy you met in the streets, alright? Come back to England soon, understand? We all miss you, and Mother had a fit when you left. She was so wrung she layed in bed for days, sick with depression. Promise you will visit, if not stay forever. I believe we may even have room for that new girl of yours, whomever she may be. Sincerely, Siveik The Beggining Thread Evrik woke up early in the morning, beating even the sun. He was not sure what startled him, but he was unable to go back to his slumer. Irritated, he gave in and rose. After slipping on fresh clothing, he ran down towards the stream for a soak. The birds greeted him along his way, chattering and gossiping as he passed. Above, the sky was tinted with blue. The stars seemed to say goodbye, followed by the moon, off to dissapear until night. Hunger pierced through Evriks stomach. Afte a short run, he arrive at a curve in the woods. Berries immersed him and he picked up a handful, nearly lifting them to his mouth, before a voice from behind caused him to drop them all. "Don't eat those, 'less you perfer sickness to good health. Them will have you sick for days." a young woman said, barely looking up from her spot. She sat nesteled between the branches of a tree, staring off into the distance. Evrik looked up at the girl. Her dark black mane was braided back and it hung low. Her face was streaked with color, vibrants reds and oranges. Her brown eyes seemed inescapable. Evrik was instantly mesmirised. "Thank you for the warning, miss. What is your name?" he asked, looking up at her curiously. "Depends on the day and the mood. I can tell you it's not miss, though. Call me Zelia, for now." the girl answered, squinting down at him. "Zelia? I quite fancy that name. Shall I leave now, Zelia?" Evrik asked, his voice playful and his eyes tinged with amusement. "Perhaps you shall. Although I haven't been given a name for you yet."Zelia replied cooly. "Evrik. You may call me Evrik." he said. Off in the distance, he could hear his mates calling for him."I believe I do have to bring this meeting to an end. Will we see each other again, I presume?" he asked. "If Fate declares so, I believe we may." Zelia answered before turning back towards the rising sun. With the shake of his head he turned and stalked back. 'Who was that strange woman?' he thought, and curiousity immersed him. And that's how it would be, for he didn't know this was just the beggining of a long string of events.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ First chapter, I pesume? That's what I'm going to call it, atleast. Crits, comments? All our welcome :3

16 June 2011, 09:46 PM   #2
Joined: 15 Jun 2011
Posts: 3
this is really good~ :D the only thing i have to say negative about it is just check
your spelling and grammar XD the sentences are beautifully written and even in tone.
although, some are a little...hmm what's the word...awkward? for example:
The stars seemed to say goodbye, followed by the moon, off to dissapear until night. Hunger pierced through Evriks stomach. Afte a short run, he arrive at a curve in the woods...
there was a lot of information to be packed into 3 short and very simple sentences. i like your personification though :D i would just say, mold those sentences together to make it flow easier, maybe like "The stars seemed to say goodbye, followed by the moon to dissapear until night. Evrik felt hunger pierce his stomach, and he began a short journey to a curve in the woods..." i tried to keep as many words as i could in your original XD and maybe try to lessen the punctuation. but it also depends on your audience, i see novels written with a lot of sentences like "she walked. she turned around." well, not as bad as those, but very short. like twilight or hunted, but it's aimed at a younger/teen audience. but anyways it's really well-written! nice! :D

17 June 2011, 03:57 AM    #3
Council
Joined: 12 Jun 2011
Posts: 53
Sankyu! Yeah, I have a horrible habbit of writing really looooonnnnnnnngggggg sentences.
It's really bad. But thank you for the crits! And I hate it when books are like that.
Seriously, I just saw one that's sentences were like this. "The girl stood up. She began
to walk. She walked quickly. The girl stopped. She took a breath." Silly, right?



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