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Dirty jokes


12 January 2010, 03:55 PM   #1
Co-owner
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 60
Last edited by Klyv, 14 January 2010
4 da naughty 1s
badboy4life

14 January 2010, 05:30 PM   #2
The Founder
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 53
Dirty Jokes 
 
 
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he
finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.
While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few
more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a
pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum
powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up
waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with
this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife
his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"


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A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends
instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get
naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes
off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and
gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she
replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take
my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!?/font>

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says,
"Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think
he's too far in."


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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where
the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400
for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you
free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase
packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I
want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"


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Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him
and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows
him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no!
That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......."   They go to the second door. The
Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not
for me!"

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica
Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to
me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."


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This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic
trick?" "No dear, but I think your grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over
to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show
me one?" The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl
jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa,
"Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"


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One day this girl goes to her father, "Dad, I really want to see that movie that just came
out, can I please go watch it." The dad replies, "Only if you suck my dick." the girl
refuses but says, "please dad, I really really really want to go to the movies." The dad
says again, "Only if you suck my dick, then Ill take you." Eventually the girl gives in
and sucks his chop. As soon as she does, she leaps back and goes "Eewwww, it tastes like
shit!", so the dad says, "Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the movies too."


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A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being
a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad
said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad
replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the
ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the
ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one
for March...."


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A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a
hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares
and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "
I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown.?The dwarf faints! After
coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself.  So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9,
259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.?The dwarf looked relieved and started
laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around??/font>


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The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always
eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"


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A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he
goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her
boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and
says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that’s the
Robinson’s, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her
to go fuck herself!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went
and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she
was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she
says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I
ain't going any where near it!"


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One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me
flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for
him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"


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Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and
pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...",
and try to hold on for 8 seconds!


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As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the
husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night
while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor
where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar
bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well,
not everyone is as cheap as you are."


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A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's
vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car
and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with
forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis,
penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion.
"if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some
honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's
thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."


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A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife.
He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I
told you he was stupid."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night
eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary
starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get
it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the
spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a
hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says,
"Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in
there?"
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14 January 2010, 05:34 PM    #3
The Founder
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 53
Dirty Jokes 
 
 
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother
warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will
catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her   grandmother's house
but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red
and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll
suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.
Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt
Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little
Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about
something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says
"Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had
these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for
'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my
wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said
'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame
to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the
rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but
has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly,
he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it.
Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I
got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now,
why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is
enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks
really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been
here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"


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A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying.
The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs,
"I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my
money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and
then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day,
pal!"


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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for
supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so
he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see",
says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're
eating asshole!!", she screams.


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A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's
that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba
gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He
takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep
without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks
the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The
patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the
secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs
that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies,
"I'm fucking her."


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A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After
the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies
"I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the
time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed.
"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."


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Your girlfriend is ugly when...

(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

( Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.


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The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the
interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do
you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the
interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or
your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We
brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his
tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes
in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the
same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the
gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells
him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy
comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The
interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun
you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"


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An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the
woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old
man says "I'll have the soup."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first
man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no,
says the first dog, why? The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the
Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put
to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of
his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to
bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning,
my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the
time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting
out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it
anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why
they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my
toenails clipped!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed
either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make
amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."


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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are
unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see
each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and
misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we
agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me,
reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over
and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs
back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on
my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ...
fifty times"


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An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all
night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be
pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a
hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients
looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."


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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written
the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard.  She scanned the class looking for a
guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word
'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the
board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's
lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same
disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and
each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting
to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub
it, the bigger it gets."


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A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their
separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation
center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."


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Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. 
The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has
recovered enough to speak.  "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got,"
says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. 
She's insatiable.  She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I
can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take
your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the
car.  It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man.  And
they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window.  It's a cop, and he shines his
flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right,
officer," explains the landlord,  "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically,
"Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned
light."


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A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy.
The man asks the boy, "Where is your mother?" The boy states, "She's in the backyard,
screwing the goat." The man exclaims, "Son, it's not nice to make up stories like that!"
The boy says, "Come on in and I'll show you." So the taxman follows the little boy to the
back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard. There, he sees a woman
screwing a goat.  Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says, "That is gross!  Doesn't that
bother you?" The little boy answers, "Naaaaaaaaah!"


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A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around,
he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the
counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on
the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I
know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"


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One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the
new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel
tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the
soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes
get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let
that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring
the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the
commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One
of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."


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One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt
and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around
town dressed like that?"  Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!"  Sheriff
says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues
"Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou
said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a
cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on
the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou
took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my
clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her
legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."


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One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking
solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in
the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to
her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought
about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the
man replied, "Get in line."


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A blonde walked in on her husband having an affair. She was so angry she pulled out a gun
and pointed to the woman's head. She was about to pull the trigger, when her husband said,
"No, don't!" and she replied, "Shut up, you're next!"


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A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles
at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing
to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him
they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of
his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of
never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the
surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The
guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible
pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so
he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls
across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend
sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was
pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on
his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my
ass!".


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A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their
dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook
a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding
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