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WRITING:: Fiction: (miscellaneous)

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22 June 2009, 02:22 PM   #1
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Last edited by Oroborus21, 22 June 2009
can someone tell me if they like this?

for the last time he looks in her eyes she smiles at him as she grasps the little
bit of skin she can hold on to. Suddenly her hands fall and she slowly fades her
eyes close and everything stop.He looks for a pulse in desperate search but can't
find one. He tries to revise her but he can't.......... Her hands as cold as ice. He
gently lays his head on her hair as he kisses her for the last time. Later he goes
home in deep depressed surrow. Wishing he could have done something. He reaches into
his pocket and grasps a napkin with the words as so written on the napkin "I love
you". He cries over and over mourning over the death of his loved one as if his one
soul were part of his. He takes the note and places in gently on his heart and feel
the slightest smooth touch of her hand. He doesn't know why but he smiles happily of
even the thought of her with him.  he feels her brown hair and her soft milk
chocolate eyes as he say the last remaining life of his loved dear. He cries over
and over nonstop he can't stop he thinks of all the days he spent wit her. During
that night he has a dream of her. The last bit of life in her eyes the smile and
pleasure in her face and the happiness in her smile. He knows it's the end so he
draws one of his own tears places it one note to show he loves her just as much. In
fast exact moments he's gone. dead. he doesn't know why but he sees her and she sees
him. The two live deathly together forever

iwrote it some time ago please tell me your input!

Note: Edited the title to fit club nonmenclature, if you have a title for it pop it in.
- Ed

22 June 2009, 02:40 PM   #2
Guest Poster
amazing :]

22 June 2009, 03:17 PM   #3
Guest Poster
really thank you

22 June 2009, 10:40 PM   #4
Guest Poster
jk, its really good sara ^^

22 June 2009, 11:59 PM   #5
Guest Poster
i think its really pouring out emotion of th characters

23 June 2009, 07:46 AM   #6
Guest Poster
Lia I wrote it when i was dating Alex....(shiver shiver)

23 June 2009, 08:04 AM   #7
Guest Poster
Hmm...I have to say it's confusing. Some parts of it are also misspelled.
It would help if you put it in paragraphs, and added some punctation in it.
If you put it in just one big paragraph, the reader will have a hard time, and it would
hurt their eyes.
Some sentences are also confusing, and the last one just made me go, "Wth?"

I guess it was good though. Great effort!

23 June 2009, 09:20 AM   #8
Guest Poster
i know it's confusing.....I think I'm gonna edit it.....like put more into it!
hey guys when I fix it up will u tell me what u think of it then?

24 June 2009, 10:08 AM   #9
Guest Poster
Of course. I always love to review. ^^

24 June 2009, 06:36 PM    #10
Guest Poster
k here is the first part!

this is the begining now tell m what you think!

setting: hospital more specific (E.R)
Characters: Audrey and a nameless guy

  A patient 17, female, name:Audrey suffered severe blood loss and loss of voice and

  At the scene of the crash victim's car was toppled over and plowed into a near by
Starbucks, No other passengers were hurt.   The car that hit the victim was self
destructed and bursted into flames. Although, the passenger in the car was perfectly
fine. The passenger in the car in a male appears to be about 17 as well, the only
thing that appears to be wrong with this passenger is loss of memory. Authority's
have questioned this male on where he was going, what he was doing, and what his
name was..... unfortunately the male doesn't remember anything. 

  Inside the E.R sounds of all type buzzing, beepings,and long sirens are heard. 
Occasionally a noise will go off only to be followed by another.

  The two patients seem to not know each other what so ever but for some peculiar
reason stare at one another with pure wonder ,and affection. I.Vs are hooked up to
both patients, the male seems to be saying sorry over and over feeling terrible, not
realizing Audrey the female patient can not hear, or vocally interact with the male.
For Audrey seems to be dazed and thinking about something. Finally, the male gets
Audrey's attention by flicking a paper clip onto her arm, (she looks at him and
shows with her hands she can't speak nor hear). The male finally understands and
writes on a peice of cardboard How do you feel?. Audrey reads it and writes
back numb. He mouths I am soo sorry, sh writes back it's fine I will
adapt.... (He points to the starbucks in which she had crashed into) He writes
c....can i make it up to you by taking you to dinner? (Audrey nods in
approval) she writes I'd like that!!!

part 1 complete!

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