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26 April 2010, 04:20 PM   #1
Guest Poster
Last edited by ‹♥LifeMakesLoveLookHard♥›, 26 April 2010
I started a story before but I didn't like it. Here's my new oneee.

How could she? I was so furious as I fast-walked down the hall of school. It was the
middle of the day, but I didn't care. I was leaving. My BEST friend, BEST, BEST, BEST
friend, took my boyfriend. We had been friends since PRE-SCHOOL and NOW this is what she
does? Let me back up a little bit. I walked into chemistry and my partner is-or WAS Alex,
my boyfriend. But I walked in and he was sitting at the lab table with Jillian.
"Hey...Jill what are you doing in my spot?" I asked her. "Oh...well I meant to ask you but
uh, we switched. I asked Mr.Ford already...sorry I forgot to tell you." She told me. "Oh
okay." I said. No big deal Jill was my friend. I just want to know why she wanted to sit
with Alex. "So Alex,your coming to my house for dinner tonight right?" I asked. "Oh uhm,
about me at my locker after class okay?" He asked me. :Sure!" I replied and
sat down. After class I walked to his locker. "So what'd you want?" I asked him smiling.
"Well uhm...I don't think this realtionship is going to work..." He told me looking down. 
"W-what do you mean?" I said tears welling in my eyes. We had been together for 2 months
and it was going great. "I just want to see someone else." He said. I thought about it.
Jill?! No...maybe! "Is it JILL?" I asked getting angry. " asked me
out and I said yes because she's really sweet." He told me. "I'm sorry." "Yeah I'm sorry I
wasted my time with a jerk." I said and walked away furiously. And that's what happened.
And that's how I got here.

Tell me watcha think (:

26 April 2010, 07:17 PM   #2
Guest Poster
7 views but no comments? Please post!

26 April 2010, 07:45 PM   #3
Guest Poster
Wow,I like it a lot,please continue,i have a bad headach right now so i can't write
anything ellse.I'll edit this later.

26 April 2010, 08:57 PM   #4
Guest Poster
I liked it, it was pretty good. If anything, you should make it end like with a DUN DUN
DUN kind of thing. That's how prefaces keep reading intrigued. But it's a nice idea. Petty
drama is entertaining (:

26 April 2010, 09:01 PM   #5
Guest Poster
That's fine thank you! I will continue tomorrow. Or I will now it just won't be long.

Continued from the preface.

I furiously walked down the hall pushing people out of my way. I heard Jillian coming
after me. She was screaming my name. I ignored her. I wasn't speaking to her. I pushed the
school doors open and raced to my car. I got in. I took the locket around my neck and
snatched it off. I opened it up and fiercly took the little picture of Alex out and ripped
it to shreds. He was a jerk. More then a jerk actually. But no words could describe how I
mad I am at this minute. I cried. I just couldn't believe it. My BEST friend. I heard my
phone going off and took it out of my pocket. It was jillian. I hit ignore and drove home.
I skipped the rest of that school day and sat in my room until dinnertime. "So," my mom
said putting a bowl of mashed potatoes on the table. "how was school today, Lola?" My mom
asked referring to my 11 year old sister. "Pretty good! I told Josh that I loved him!"
Lola said smiling. "Oh shut up. You don't know what love is." I told her. "I do too! it's
when you like someone A LOT." She said. "YOU DON'T. YOUR A FRIGGEN CHILD FOR GOD'S SAKE."
I screamed. "SYDNEY!" My mom said " What in the WORLD has gotten into you?" "NOTHING! I
just want to be alone!" I said and thumped up the stairs all the way up to my room. My mom
followed. "What is the matter?" She asked seriously. Which meant she was expecting an
answer. "Alex dumped me today. For Jill." I said crying. "Oh,honey I'm sorry." She said
hugginng me. Then my phone rang, it was Jill. "Should I answer it?" I asked my mom. "Just
tell her how you feel." She said and left. I answered. "Hello?" I said as angry as
possible. "Hey Syd...I'm really just happened." She said. "I don't care
Jillian. You KNEW how much I liked him. Now it's over because of you. Well guess what" Im
through with Alex. And I'm through with you." I said and hung up,slamming my phone down.

27 April 2010, 08:09 PM   #6
Guest Poster
C'mon people! I'm not going to post on other people's if no one does on mine because that
seems unfair.

27 April 2010, 10:07 PM   #7
Guest Poster
I liked it! (:
I get upset if no one comments on mine either. But just remember, if you like to write
nothing else should matter! C:

27 April 2010, 10:27 PM   #8
The Founder
Joined: 1 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
Don't be mad if people don't post. my first story only had like 2 people reading it. The
more stories you write, the more people look at them.

Ok, here's some stuff about your story:
Don't use caps too much, you can find other ways to express excitement, anger, doesn't always have to be capital words.

Try to combine some sentecnes, so itnstead of, for example: 
Amy walked to her car. She got in. She took out her wallet. She looked through all the
pictures and took out the one of her dad. She started crying. She threw it out the car
window. It could be, Amy walked to her car and got in. She took out her wallet,
looked through all the pictures, and took out the one of her dad. Crying, she threw it out
the window. 
See the difference?

I know this is reeeeeeeally hard, (at least for me) but try not to just WRITE. Alot of
times people (me) will just write the story as they think of stuff and sometimes,
it doesn't make sense. It it does make sense, that doesn't nessisarily mean the facts in
the story are related. So read it over after you write, maybe change some stuff around,
add in more descriptive words.

But I really like it so far! Classic 'best friend betrayal/bad boyfriend' story. LOL!
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27 April 2010, 10:44 PM   #9
Guest Poster
I like it alot! Please continue!
I like how you describe her anger and saddness at the same time.
I know how you feel, I've only started 2 stories, the first had too many complaints that
hurt my feelings and I didn't like it either, so I quit.
I just started my seconed.. it's just a preview, but I don't care what everyone else says
this time, so please comment!
By the way, I'll take nice comments, and constructive critisisim, but I don't take "it's
okay.." or "This sucks" or random comments.

28 April 2010, 04:08 PM   #10
Guest Poster
Wow thanks guys (:! And Hannah about the sentences, I was purposely doing that. Like
trying to make it sound like she's telling the story and she's upset...if you get my drift
xD Heres some moreeee.
Oh and by the way this is going to get intense (: not just some stupid petty high school
drama, I'm going somewhere with it.

Jillian had called numerous times that night, but I ignored them all (betterrr?) I woke up
the next morning and got ready for school. I threw on some capri sweats and a
t-shirt,straightned (spellinggg?) my hair, and put on some mascara. I didn't care how I
looked, I had no one to impress anymore. I drove to school. When I got there Jillian came
up to me. "Hey...I called like 5 times last night but you didn't answer...what's the
matter?" She asked as if nothing was wrong. I wanted to answer so bad...but I knew enough
not too. All day I acted just like she was a wall. I hung out with my other good friend

Short i know :/

29 April 2010, 05:25 PM    #11
Guest Poster
You'll need to know that she lives in New Jersey (:

"I can't believe she did that!" Claire said biting into her-what look liked ham and cheese
sandwhich. "I know. I'm so mad. I can't take it anymore. She gets all the guys!" I told
her angirly. "I'm so upset. I can't even eat," I said looking down at my not even half
eaten turkey, bacon, mayo, and onion sub. "I'm going to class." I told her really
nonchalantly and walked off. All day I couldn't pay attention. I was really depressed. I
loved Alex, more then anything. I had told him that and he said he loved me more then
anything too. Jillian had been hanging out with the "pops" all day. Acting snobby too. I
had seen them kiss in the hallway 8 times before lunch, I counted. By the 10th time I
couldn't take it anymore, I went to the girl's bathroom and broke down crying. I saw
Jillian's feet under the stall and just kept crying. She poked her head under the stall.
"What's the matter" She asked. "Get the hell out. This is private." I said and opened the
stall. I went in the mirror still sobbing and re-applied eye liner and mascara. "Are you
crying over Alex?" She asked. "Just get over it you baby. He told me he did love you more
then anything but he said he's over you and he loves me more then you. So just get over
it." She said as snotty as possible. "I-I...I hate you." I said and walked out. As I was
walking out of school, Alex stopped me. "Hey Jillian just tole me you were crying...I'm
sorry this happened but I really love her." He said looking at his feet. "I don't care.
Leave me alone you jerk." I said pushing the doors open, hard. I stomped out to my car,and
started it. But I DIDN'T drive home. I went on the highway and just drove. A few hours
later I hit a sign that read "Welcome to New York." I picked up my phone and turned it on.
13 missed calls and 11 texts. All from my parents, so I called them back. "SYDNEY! WHERE
ARE YOU?!" My mom screamd into the phone, realized though not angry. "I'm in New York mom.
I'm going to stay with Aunt Nicole for a week or 2. I really need a break from all this.
Alex and Jillian have me on the edge and I can't take it. I'm 15 minutes away and I'll
have her call you when I get there. I already called and told her everything and she said
that it was fine. I'll talk to you later, I love you, bye." I said and hung up. A few
minutes later I got to my aunt's house. "Hi Aunt Nicki." I said hugging her. "Hi, sweetie.
I'm sorry to hear about Jillian and Alex. he was such a sweet boy." She said
sympathetically. "It's okay," I told her, but it really wasn't. "I came to clear my mind
and forget about him." "Okay, I'll help you unpack your stuff in the guest room." She told
me and helped carry my stuff in the house. I had packed this morning without my mom
knowing because I knew I was going to do this. "Hi Syd!" My cousin Makayla, who was the
same age as me, said. "Hey Mak, I've missed you!" I said hugging her. She was my all time
favorite cousin. We were the same age, had just about everything in common, and she just
totally gets me. "My mom told me about Alex. What a jerk!" She said. "I know. But anyways
what's new?" I asked her sitting down. "Oh, not much really. Just school and-OH! Toots!
Come here!" She called. "Who's Too-" I asked but was cut off when a little yorkie came
running from the kitchen. "This is tootsie, but we call her Toots." She said and picked
her up. "Awww! She's so cute!" I said and held her.


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