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Loved And Lost

4 July 2007, 09:01 PM   #1
Guest Poster
this is my story its kinda long so i'm sorry but everyone whose read it loves it. also
its not finished!!

Loved and Lost 
Once there was a girl. A girl like you and me. Her name was estella vinstort.  Estella was
a normal girl who loved herself and everyone around her. She attended Craleole middle
school . Her grades were average and her friends were awesome. She had just started going
out with Matt Danvornir. He was nothing but nice to her. She loved him and he loved her
back. They were always together at school. And because he was Mormon their parents never
found out   but the evil Krellea Lowhar had other plans for Matthew and Estella. “She
stole him! How could she do this!!!?” Thought Krellea. “He was supposed to be mine.
I’ll show her he will be mine! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” So the next day Krellea
captured Matthew and told Estella that if she didn’t break up with him, he would forever
spend his life in the room they were in. So, Estella made the choice. She decided that she
would break up with him in front of Krellea, and secretly still be going out. But before
she broke up with him, she would have to tell him the plan. But how?  Estella decided that
she would tell him through a secret language they had made up. This is what it looked
liked. “ 
And so that’s what happened they went out secretly. It went on for nearly 3 weeks until
Krellea caught them kissing. “She’s in for it now! That little liar! She will pay!”
And that’s exactly what Krellea did. But not before Estella found out. So, Estella
looked for help from her best friend Cami Jornle. So Cami helped Estella and Matthew
escape from the evil Krellea Lowhar. They did whatever they could to avoid Krellea. They
even skipped class to keep away from her. But then when Estella wasn’t looking, BAM!
Krellea snatched Estella and left this
 Dear Matthew,
If you  don’t want your “Precious “girlfriend get hurt you will meet me at 266
Fremont avenue today at 5 o’ clock. And kiss me .then you’ll be left alone.
Krellea Lowhar
And so he met her there and kissed her. Then something happened he didn’t plan for. The
evil, horrible, Krellea shot Estella. Matthew fell to his knees. He picked her up and ran
to the nearest hospital. The hospital accepted Estella right away. Matthew called his
parents, and told them where he was he told them everything. They came straight to the
hospital. They were pretty mad that he was going out, but felt bad about what happened.
Matthew stayed there all night. She still hadn’t woken up. Two days, and many
interrogations later she woke up and Krellea was sent to juvie. But that won’t be the
last we se of her. Now back to the story. Since she had just been shot, Estella had just
been shot she had to stay home for about two weeks. Even though it was against Mormon
religion, Matthew’s parents allowed them to keep going out. Matthew stayed faithful and
kept bringing her homework to her. When she was back at school, she had people asking her
so many questions. The only person who didn’t ask her questions was her friends and her
boyfriend. She wised it had never happened. 
	Two days later it was her birthday. The list of friends was long but here it is:
Cami Jornle
Matt Danvornir
Rita Green
Neecee Hiton
Destiny Fairese
Deanna Gaber
Serena Myren
Loren Dixie 
They had so much fun. That night, Matthew took her on a date to Piarra’s, a fancy
Italian restaurant in town. After that they went to a dance. They had so much fun. At the
end of the night when he walked her up to her door he kissed her like he never had before.
The next day all her friends were wondering what had happened on the date. She just said
that it was very romantic. But Matthew didn’t show up to school that day. So, that night
she called him. His mom answered and said he never showed up last night. So, the search
started for Matthew. They looked everywhere. The next night Estella got an E-mail from his
cell phone. He was in a cage at, Guess where? Krellea’s house. Krellea had gotten out on
good behavior. How we don’t know. But instead of having happen, what happened last time
Estella had the police come with her. but when they got there no one else was there. All
that they found was this
Dear Estella,
I have taken Matthew to a secret hideout in the West Hills. If you want to see him you
have to break up with him. Don’t try any tricks with me this time . I will find out what
you’re planning.
Krellea Lowhar
This time she had the help of Matthew’s parents. They did whatever they could. They
drove her through the west hills. She also had the help of his two older brothers. They
helped her search the west hills for the hideout. Finally two weeks later, they found the
hideout. His brothers demanded that they help rescue their little brother. So off they
went. She had his mom stop about a !/2 mile from the hideout. Then they hiked the rest of
the way. When they finally got there they snuck in and found where Krellea was hiding
Matthew. They waited until Krellea left, Then, they got down there and untied Matthew. He
thanked them for rescuing him, but that they needed to get out of there before Krellea got
back. They did but felt it was to dangerous to walk back. So they called his mom to the
hideout. She came and they left. When they got back, Estella and Matthew decided that to
stay together would risk there lives. They decided that until Krellea was actually gone,
they would have to break up. But they also decided that they wouldn’t go out with anyone
else. And so it was decided. It hurt, but technically they were still together. Sort of .
Not really. But it was for their own good. Estella was so upset. She cried for days. Even
though they were still friends she couldn’t get over the fact that they were through.
But finally Krellea was found guilty and given 20 months of juvie and not allowed any
where near Craleole High. And so Matthew left this note in Estella’s locker.
Dear Estella,
Did you hear about Krellea? Because we’ll probably never see her again, I was wondering
if you wanted to go to the movies with me on Friday? Let me know.
Matt Danvornir
So they went to a movie. Then they went to dinner. Then they walked home together. When
they got to her door, He leaned over and kissed her. They went on a few dates after that,
But then it started to fall apart. They hung out with each other less and less. And
finally Matthew put a note in her locker.
It read:
Dear Estella,
I’m sorry, but I think its time to break up. We don’t talk like we used to, and you
don’t act like yourself. I wish I could do something to save the relationship, but I
I’m sorry,
Matt Danvornir
And so they were over. Estella at first couldn’t believe it. She tried to talk to him
but he would just ignore her. So, they faded out of each others lives. If they passed each
other in the hall they wouldn’t even look at each other. It was a sad sight. After a
while Estella put a single yellow rose and a note on his 1st period desk. The note read;
Dear   Matthew,
A yellow rose is a sign of friendship. That’s all I want us to be. I hope you will talk
to me again . Please let us be friends. Let’s go back to the way we were before we went
out. Just some friends hanging out together.
estella vinstort
When he got the note he automatically said no. he had another girlfriend and thought that
if he and Estella were friends that his girlfriend would break up with him. So in front of
her face he tore up the letter and the yellow rose. That hurt to much, and Estella started
to cry. She cried for so long. And he didn’t even feel bad about it. All her friends
helped her through her time of unhappiness. But the one who helped her most in her time of
need was Destiny. For Estella she threw a bunkim  party. If you don’t know what that is,
it is a party where you eat all junk food, watch sappy romance movies, and talk about  the
ex-relationship. Many people came to comfort Estella. Even Jaden Witt came to comfort her.
Jaden Witt was a previous crush of Estella, and when he found out, he acted really mad. He
was the person she talked to for most of the night. When the party was over, he walked
Estella home. That night Estella decided that since the only person who ever called her
Estella was Matthew, that from now on she would go by Estie. The next day someone asked
her out can you guess who? It was Matthew. She said no. That same day another person asked
her out. It was Jaden. She automatically said yes. Matthew wasn’t to happy about that.
Especially since Jaden was one of his friends. So out at recess Matt and Jaden got in a
fist fight. Estie couldn’t believe they were fighting over her. She immediately went and
got a teacher. The teacher broke up the fight and sent them to the vice principle’s
office. They both got referrals and 4 days in I.S.S. . Estie especially couldn’t believe
Jaden got in fist fight. He was the kind of guy to settle disagreements through a mental
fight. So, she figured that Matt was the one who started it. She couldn’t believe it.
Why would matt want her back. She finally figured it out. It was because she  was his
back-up girlfriend. In other words if one of his girlfriends broke up with him he went
back to her. So, she decide to show him what she was made. She did anything in her power
to trip him up. Then came the Mardi Gras dance. It would be the perfect time to fake him
out. Since Jaden knew what she was doing, he helped her out. She was going to ask matt to
dance, then she would signal someone to draw the chaperones away, then she would go to
kiss him, and Bam! he would get tripped and fall. but to do that she would need the help
of Destiny. Destiny would lour the chappies away then help Estie trip him. Jaden would
also lour the other chappy away. So that’s what happened. And they didn’t get caught!
After the dance the trio went to Piarra’s for pizza. But, of course, Matt was there,
with his older brother. But instead of standing up for matt he congratulated her. He said
he wished there were more girls like me. But the weird thing was that Estie felt bad about
what she had done. So, on Monday of the next week, she was going to say she was sorry.
But, he wasn’t at school. It turns out that he was to embarrassed to come to school.
Now, she really felt bad. She sent him a card that read:
Dear Matthew,
I’m sorry about what I did. I just wanted  you to pay for what you did to Jaden. But now
I feel  horrible. You have to  understand, that after you tore up that letter and rose in
front of me, it was like you were tearing me up. There was no way I could go out with you
after that. The reason I chose Jaden  is because he was so sweet to me after you and I
broke it off. You just aren’t my type anymore.
Estie vinstort
P.S. I’m still up for just being friends.
And so they decided  to be friends. Jaden wasn’t to thrilled about hanging out with
Matt, but he still did. The next weekend they went to a teenage dance club. Matthew went
with his girlfriend, Estella went with Jaden, Destiny went with Justin Bartman, And Cami
went with Braden Chaffer. When they were dancing a song came on. The song was Here in your
Arms. That song was Estie and Matt’s song. At that moment they both were overcome by
sadness. Estie went and sat down at a table. Then, Matt went and sat down at the same
table. They started to talk. In about twenty seconds, they were dancing. But after that
song was over they went back to dancing with their dates. Even though they were friends,
it was still awkward between them. They barely hung out, and whenever they bumped into
each other, they made fools of themselves. But, after a while they got over the
awkwardness between them. They acted like friends, and hung out a lot. But then something
horrible happened. A close friend of hers from her old school had cancer and was dying.
She was devastated. But, she didn’t tell anyone. And no one could tell that she was sad
except for Destiny. So one day out at recess destiny walked straight up to Estie and asked
“ what’s wrong? you haven’t been yourself lately.” And that’s when Estie broke
down. She told Destiny everything. Then Estie started crying. everyone came up and asked
what was wrong. Destiny  didn’t tell anyone. Then Jaden came up and asked what was
wrong. Estie told Destiny to tell him. So Destiny told him what was wrong. Then he did
something unexpected. He broke up with her that made her cry even harder. So once again
Destiny held a bunkim party for her. But this time it was different. Only her closest
friends were allowed to come. That list included:
Loren Dixie
Neecee Hiton
Cami Jornle
Serena Myren
Destiny Fairese
That night they watched the movies: Aladdin, A Walk to Remember, and other sad, sappy love
movies. While they were watching movies, they did nails, hair, and makeup. Estie didn’t
know what she did to make Jaden break up with her. Since Estie was in such a bad mood, Her
friends did whatever they could to comfort her. Cami knew why Jaden broke up with Estie.
The reason he broke up with her was because he liked Maria Forster. Maria Forster was an
enemy of Estella. From the first day they met they were enemies. They’d never done
anything to each other, they just didn’t like each other. Cami wanted to tell Estie why
Jaden broke up with her, but she couldn’t. Cami hated seeing her best friend sad, but
she really didn’t want to tell her why. Well, after a couple hours, Cami decided  that
she would tell Estie. “Estie?” Cami said. “What? Are you gonna abandon me to?”
Estie said. “No, I’m not. I’m trying to tell you why he broke up with you.” Cami
said. “ WHY?!” Estie Shouted. “ Because he was going to ask Maria Forster out after
he broke up with you!!!” Cami said Enthusiastically back. “What! How could he do this
to me?” And she burst out crying. She couldn’t believe Maria had stole yet another one
of  her boyfriends. Maria has stolen at least three of Estie’s boyfriends. Estie
absolutely hated Maria. Estie didn’t hate people very much, but Maria was one of the few
people she hated. Well, later that night Estie got a phone call from Matthew. He said he
was fighting with his girlfriend and needed to talk to someone. So they talked for a long
time. They talked and talked for  hours. They finally stopped talking at one o’clock  in
the morning. Estie was tired and had plans for the next day. The plans were for Destiny,
Neecee, Cami, Serena, Lauren, Matthew, Kaden Fosher, and Estie to meet up at the park and
have a picnic then go swimming at the Aquatic Center. You’re probably wondering who
Kaden Fosher is. Well, he is the boy Estie is fake crushing on. She told all her friends
that she liked him but she really still liked Matthew. He was the one  who when she was
near him her heart would pace, her palms would sweat, and she would get nervous about what
she said. She loved him. The next night there was a school dance while she was dancing a
slow song came on, so she had Cami ask him to dance with her. He was in the dance to and
he said that he already had someone to dance with. When Cami told her that she didn’t
mind. But as she looked over Cami’s shoulder she saw matt walk out of the room. He
didn’t come back in until later, after that song was over. That absolutely crushed her.
She couldn’t believe that he would lie to her. They were practically best friends, and
best friends don’t lie to each other. The only thing good to happen that night was that
her friend, Casey Freeson, found out that the guy she liked ,Austin Bentler, liked her
back. Casey was thrilled! But, when she found out what happened to Estie she felt bad for
her. What kind of friend would do that she couldn’t believe it. Matt was so nice, how
could he be such a jerk?
Well on Monday Estie had the hardest time taking to Matt. He couldn’t figure out what
he’d done wrong. The next day on his first period desk he found a Butterfinger ( his
fave candy bar) with a note that said “ dear Matt, we need to talk about Friday. Hope
you enjoy this candy bar ,liar ! From, Estie vinstort. 
So during free period they talked. He asked her” why did you call me a liar in the
note?!” “ because on Friday you said you already had someone to dance with but then
you walked out of the room. That’s why! I thought we were friends, but friends don’t
lie to each other.” said Estie. She was in tears because of  how bad it made her feel.
All of the sudden he started telling her that he was afraid that they would end up going
out again and once again he would break her heart. He didn’t want that to happen. He
hated seeing her sad. But she couldn’t believe he would lie to her. It made her feel
awful. “how could you lie! I don’t care what your reason is but you broke my heart. I
hope you’re happy. I don’t want to talk to you right now. I hope that you feel bad for
what you did.” Well, a couple days later when they finally started talking again they
were in SSR and Estie was trying to iChat with matt but he kept canceling her. She finally
asked one of his friends to ask him if he was ignoring her. Matt’s answer was “kinda
sorta yes no maybe”
Then Estie told matt’s friend that matt was being a jerk, and his friend told him and
matt’s reply was “screw you, Estie!”. he was being a jerk again. What had she done
to make him be like that. So after school she asked him “what did I do to make you be
such a jerk to me?! I was just kidding about you being a jerk in SSR! But now you’re
being a real jerk! I think that if you’re going to continue to be a jerk we just
shouldn’t be friends.”  He couldn’t believe. Was she serious? Did she actually think
they shouldn’t be friends? He didn’t know what to say. Had he really been such a jerk
as to drive her away? He tried to apologize but she just walked away. For that moment in
his life he felt sad. He was standing there watching one of his best friends walk away. He
couldn’t let it happen. He watched as she walked outside to catch her bus and he ran
after her. But, by the time he got outside he was to late he saw her bus leave. As soon as
he saw that he felt like he had just died a little inside. He boarded his bus and he when
they got to the high school his brother sat down beside him. “What’s wrong little
bro?” he asked. “ I  think I just lost one of my best friends, and its all my
fault!” matt said. “ who was it, and what’d you do?” his brother said. “it was
Estie. I was ignoring her in SSR and she was kidding and said I was a jerk and I said
screw you.” matt said. “ well, now you are being a jerk. You need to talk to her. Say
your sorry and try to make it better. So the next day he tried. Thank god she forgave him.
Well later that week she gave him a note. It read:               hey matt ,											  I
just thought I should let you know that I like you. I mean I  LIKE you. I ho

5 July 2007, 08:22 PM   #2
Guest Poster
you said " a girl like you and me" NOT EVERYONE IS A GIRL! XD
and... whats with the ending? What 'i ho'?
so here's my ratings--

Grammar: 7
Idea: 8
detail: 3
perspective: 7


Other than a few mistakes it was nice....:D

6 July 2007, 04:30 AM   #3
Joined: 1 Jul 2007
Posts: 2
i think it was pretty good but i dont know what to rate it.    it can be hard

7 July 2007, 09:21 PM   #4
The Founder
Joined: 27 Apr 2007
Posts: 42
This is a strong effort. 

The big thing that sticks out at me is the pacing. The story feels rushed. Krellea just
sort of jump in to the story. I don't even really know who she is.  The problem is the
story is an adventure. and their is not enough time to feel like your on a journey.  

Also I think a little more exposition is needed. For instance the line "But not before
Estella found out." You didn't go on to tell how she found out.  The reader need to feel
that connection to the character.  And that moment was a good chance to let the reader go
the the stress or strain of her finding out. the since of betrayal. 

All that aside it's a neat story. I enjoyed reading it. 

I don't think rating stories is really... beneficial.  So, I'll just leave it at helpful
pointers. Good luck and good writing.

8 July 2007, 03:06 AM    #5
Guest Poster
thnx for the advice on the story i'll try tocorrect it and send back

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