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A Beautiful Cage

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10 May 2010, 12:27 AM   #1
Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Posts: 88
A Beautiful Cage Chapter One Arrival Ah, the famed Galdoné Institution. Well, in truth, 'tis not that famed to most folk, seeing as the institution is hidden away and kept secret from the rest of the world, just like its inhabitants. But that is what it is referred to amongst the professors. At any rate, it is not what it seems; in no way is it a skyscraper filled with laboratories. Actually, the Galdoné Institution is among the most beautiful places on a planet so forsakingly filled with ugliness. The campus is a grassy, sunny stretch of land with a central plaza that circles around a great fountain. The fountain was erected to commemorate the existence of such a place, made out of the finest marble and embossed with gold. On most days, azure waters spill from its many levels, but on special events, it is wired to erupt with liquid gold. The central plaza holds many little shops, restaurants and cottages, and a pathway that leads to the main building. Another leads to the forest, and another to the beach. The main building seems to be a palace; completely white, and a stunning architectual marvel. It is filled with different sections. The East Wing houses the dormitories of those who choose to stay there instead of the cottages, filled with beautiful rooms whose decor reflect artistry, sophistication and royalty, depending on the wishes of the residents. Some request their rooms seem more modern Japanese, or perhaps Regency British, so that they can feel more at home. The ground floor holds the dining hall, a lovely place which stretches to the West Wing, where the magnificent and enormous library, technology room, several luxurious lounges and a couple of indoor and outdoor pools can be found. There are many circulating rumors about there being a secret in the pools, so you may want to try to search for that secret if you want a little excitement. Everywhere, there are all sorts of elevators. Some lead to the sunshine terrace, where you can sit under a stained-glass dome held up by columns and enjoy food or go out from under the dome and swimm, or perhaps lounge on couches. This part is highly reminiscent of a country club. But only one elevator leads underground. The underground is prohibited to most students unless they are specifically instructed to come with one of the scientists there to the laboratories. So please, enjoy your stay. Haruma Tsukame folded up the brochure, and looked up at the strange, bespectacled twelve year old girl who was staring at him. "Excuse me for not noticing you, miss." The nineteen year old Japanese boy spoke politely, and smiled apologetically. "That's really no problem, my dear. I must ask you this, though- do you know why you are here?" She queried, her British voice and odd way of wording perplexing Haruma further. The handsome young man cleared his throat, and replied, straightening his ruffly white cravats and grey-green buttoned waistcoat. "Er... I suppose I recieved this letter which explained that I was a certified genius whom possesses qualities that the Institution prizes. And then I was escorted here." "Yes." Replied the girl. "My name is Emma Delaine." She suddenly introduced herself. "And I am Haruma Tsukame. Pleased to make your acquaintance." He replied.

19 May 2010, 01:13 AM   #2
Guest Poster
Pretty good so far.

I'd suggest that you don't use Japanese names if your characters aren't Japanese or if
your story is in another country that's not Japan.
I used to write stories with Japanese names and it was hard for readers.

The story is a bit descriptive. Try adding an attention grabber at the beginning.

19 May 2010, 01:30 AM   #3
Guest Poster
To Much Detail On Describing Everyday Objects Which Makes The Story Less Interesting

19 May 2010, 10:09 PM   #4
Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Posts: 88
I often give this advice myself. The story is set in England, but Haruma comes from Japan.
It is an international Institution, where people from Peru to Russia or maybe even Egypt
are welcome to attend should they have the qualities. 
@Ms. Kiki Babii 
I apologize if you do not appreciate descriptive text, but that is my writing style. Most
readers also like it. And I must warn you; nothing in this story is 'everyday'.

20 May 2010, 08:13 PM   #5
Guest Poster
Its not that I dont like the plot of it. It just lost my interest and attention during
parts when you went overboard with the describing

18 June 2010, 12:24 PM    #6
Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Posts: 88
 To you, perhaps, I went overboard with describing, but I simply don't feel that
way. If I did, I would be ashamed of having written like Stephenie Meyer.

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