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14 May 2011, 02:25 AM    #1
Joined: 14 Mar 2010
Posts: 155
Last edited by ‹hypnohsis›, 14 May 2011
Okay, I decided to edit/ redo the first chapter of my novel. Please read both and tell me
which you perfer.....


NEW VERSION!


Chapter One: Memories

       Memories are painful, yet we seem to remember those that hurt us the most. If I
wanted to remember who I was, what has happened to me, I can look at my reflection and the
memories become all to clear. I can see the hissing snakes swarming around my winkled
skin. I can look into my eyes, they eyes that can kill with a glance. I can remember
Poseidion and what he has done ot my life. And I can think, 'Will I ever change?'
     It's really not my fault I look this way, am this way. It's his. And Athena's too,
ofcourse.  She sided with the liar, her uncle. She sided with Poseidion and punished me
for his acts. She betrayed me. She turned me into a monster.
    If you asked her why, her answer would probably be, 'Because she deserves it.' But
tell me, how do I deserve to be punished for what he did? He stole my innocence. He stole
my girlhood, and left me as nothing more then a broken doll, fragile and cautious, half
dead with fear.
  Before this, I was beautiful, or so I've heard. As a young maiden, Athena instilled the
thought in our minds that we are all beautiful, magical, in our own many ways. But I guess
that doesn't count for broken souls. Was that why she tooks away my silky locks? My blue
eyes and clear skin? Because she'd thought that my appearance should match my insides, my
ugly?
    Athena was livid when she'd heard the news that one of her priestess's had lost her
innocence. She was bloodthirsty when she found out where. Infront of her statue, that
golden statue, part of me was stolen. Part of me was taken, and I was treated as if I was
nothing more hten an animal. My tries to escape did not help me, and my cries to Athena
only gave me a weak voice and a parched throat.
    Because of his acts, I was changed. I was turned in to a monster, a gorgon. My hair
was replaced with vicious snakes and my eyes were made fully black, dark as the night sky.
My skin began to wither and wrinkle. At so young, I looked so old. She took from me just
like he did, but in another way. In a worse way.
   Think that was all that she did? No. It wasn't. Anyone who looked me in the eye would
form into a concrete statue, frozen for all eternity. So, I was basically banished from
the communicating with anyone. That is, unless I can converse with stone. What was I
supposed to do for the rest of the time I should live? I considered suicide. Than again,
that would be giving Athena exactly what she wants. Which was not something I would ever
do.
        Is insanity even an option- here, now?
   I'm starting to realise that Athena may have cursed me with this specific turnout for a
reason. She new of my secret fear, and it was only she that did. I feared of being a
murderer. So she punishes me with this? This deathly gaze? What did I ever do wrong
exactly? I was the victim. I was the one who got raped. I was the victim. Wasn't I?
        I fear that if I try and remember the dreadful scene, it will come back all to
vivid. But I give in. The scene plays in my mind, over and over, like a broken machine. I
can't keep it from playing. I can't see a thing other than the same scene. His body and
mine, the disappointed eyes of my Goddess's statue, the soft calm glow shining on the
darkest nightmare of mine.
    I find myself screaming when I awake from this trance. My eyes are bleeding badly and
I gather one of my cleaner cloths to try and wipe it away. It's one of hte only things I
have now, apart from a few items gathered from the temples. My voice is nearly gone from
the screaming and my cracked lips form into a crooked smile. I look up at the sky and
scream at the Gods, mainly Athena. I ask her why she put me through this. I ask if I'm
annoying her by screaming loudly. When I consider that I might be, I scream louder and
louder at the dark black sky. I only stop when my voice gives out and a lighting bolt
shoots down from the night sky. I smile again and whisper to myself, "Somebodies a bit
touchy.". I settle down under a ragged blanket and rest my head on the hard ground,
closing my eyes and drifting off into my mind. A twinge of sadness sparks when I realise
that when I wake I'll look the same as I do now. But I push the thought out and let myself
fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.
   I open my eyes wide when I feel warmth on my arms. I turn to see a phoenix. It's
feathers have flaming reds and vibrant oranges just chasing each other all over the
phoenix's small, flaming body. Then all of a sudden, I turn to see the small phoenix turn
solid grey. I cry out as he morphs into concrete and I can feel the tears welting in my
cursed eyes. I slowly reach out to touch the statue and I swoop it up in one reach. I hold
it close for a second, the concrete cooling my warm skin. Then I sat it down in the cave,
where the sun could hit it at noon. It'd be my little pet. My little pet phoenix.
      
     Hunger pierces through my stomach, and thirst is all I feel throughout my dry mouth.
I sit up, forcing myself to stand with all the pain in my stomach. I settle my knees on
the cool cave floor and sigh as I search through my small bag. I find a few pieces of
bread and a thin slab of meat. I set it on my lap and continue to search for water. When I
can't find any I groan loudly, knowing I'll have to go to the mortals' to get some. I put
the slab of meat and the bread in my pack, along with all my drachma. I fit a long, white
cloth over my head and eyes, and tame the snakes to stay down until my order, the order I
shall never give. And with that, I'm off into the land of mortals' with a hefty fear that
there will be a few statues there when I return to my new home.


OLD VERSION!

Chapter One: Before Her Revenge


       Look what she's done to me. I'm hideous. Mincing, you could say. All because of
what happened that day in the temple. The day I was made like this because of his crime.
But no. Athena sides with  the gods over one of her faithful worshipers. So I was turned
in to a gorgon, something most feared. And I was portrayed in these sick ways throughout
all the stories. But now, now it's my turn to give my story. The true story, the
depressing story, of what happened to me.
  Before this, I was beautiful. With long, sleek locks of hair cascading down my
shoulders. Nearly every guy wanted me, but I made no attempt to give in to them. I stayed
faithful to my virgin Goddess, Athena. I worshipped her with words and actions. I was a
virgin and I intended to keep it that way so I could serve my Goddess. Because if I wasn't
virgin than Athena would deny me. And I lost my virginity without wanting too. I was raped
by a God, Poseidon to be exact. I was filled with anger, such pain and anguish as he did
this. But I could not fight him, for he was God of all Gods.
    Athena was angry, livid to tell you the truth. I thought she'd be mad at Poseidon. I
was wrong, oh so terribly wrong. Instead she unleashed her wrath on me. She wouldn't have
done this usually, if he'd raped me anywhere else, but he'd raped me in her temple, not
caring as the ivory gold statue watched as he committed his act.
    Because of this, she ruined me. My once beautiful locks of hair turned to poisonous
stakes, hissing and nipping at each other. My once deep eyes turned black all the way. My
skin wrinkled and withered. And all I could do was stand helplessly in front of the mirror
as I watched what would change my life forever.
   Think that was all that she did? No. It wasn't. Anyone who looked me in the eye would
form into a concrete statue, frozen for all eternity. So, I was basically banished from
the communicating with anyone. That is, unless I can converse with stone. What was I
supposed to do for the rest of the time I should live? I considered suicide. Than again,
that would be giving Athena exactly what she wants. Which was not something I would ever
do.
   Shall I go insane? I wonder if I will. Shall I count the days until my madness takes
over me? That, I'm sure I'll do. Right before I close my eyes and drift off, I shall etch
a line in the stone wall that surrounds me. It was the only thing I could find that's out
of the temples way and out of mortals' way. I need to make sure I don't kill them. I shall
not murder, on purpose, at least.
   I'm starting to realise that Athena may have cursed me with this specific turnout for a
reason. She new of my secret fear, and it was only she that did. I feared of being a
murderer. So she punishes me with this? This deathly gaze? What did I ever do wrong
exactly? I was the victim. I was the one who got raped. I was the victim. Wasn't I?
        I fear that if I try and remember the dreadful scene, it will come back all to
vivid. But I give in. The scene plays in my mind, over and over, like a broken machine. I
can't keep it from playing. I can't see a thing other than the same scene. His body and
mine, the disappointed eyes of my Goddess's statue, the soft calm glow shining on the
darkest nightmare of mine.
    I find myself screaming when I awake from this trance. My eyes are bleeding badly and
I gather one of my cleaner cloths to try and wipe it away. My voice is nearly gone from
the screaming and my cracked lips form into a crooked smile. I look up at the sky and
scream at the Gods, mainly Athena. I ask her why she put me through this. I ask if I'm
annoying her by screaming loudly. When I consider that I might be, I scream louder and
louder at the dark black sky. I only stop when my voice gives out and a lighting bolt
shoots down from the night sky. I smile again and whisper to myself, "I don't think I can
mark a line tonight.". I settle down under the many cloths and rest my head on the hard
ground, closing my eyes and drifting off into my mind. A twinge of sadness sparks when I
realise that when I wake I'll look the same as I do now. But I push the thought out and
let myself fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.
   I open my eyes wide when I feel warmth on my arms. I turn to see a phoenix. It's
feathers have flaming reds and vibrant oranges just chasing each other all over the
phoenix's small, flaming body. Then all of a sudden, I turn to see the small phoenix turn
solid grey. I cry out as he morphs into concrete and I can feel the tears welting in my
cursed eyes. I slowly reach out to touch the statue and I swoop it up in one reach. I hold
it close for a second, the concrete cooling my warm skin. Then I sat it down in the cave,
where the sun could hit it at noon. It'd be my little pet. My little pet phoenix.
       Has the insanity already begun? I fear it has. Well, it was only a matter of time.
I'm not fully insane yet, so I think I shall still mark tonight's line.
     Hunger pierces through my stomach, and thirst is all I feel throughout my dry mouth.
I stand up, forcing myself to stand with all the pain in my stomach. I settle my knees on
the cool cave floor and sigh as I search through my small bag. I find a few pieces of
bread and a thin slab of meat. I set it on my lap and continue to search for water. When I
can't find any I groan loudly, knowing I'll have to go to the mortals' to get some. I put
the slab of meat and the bread in my pack, along with all my drachma. I fit a long, white
cloth over my head and eyes, and tame the snakes to stay down until my order, the order I
shall never give. And with that, I'm off into the land of mortals' with a hefty fear that
there will be a few statues there when I return to my new home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   Thank you for the help!


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