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WRITING: Poetry: Unnatural


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2 May 2009, 05:42 PM   #1
Joined: 21 Mar 2009
Posts: 22
And it floats on and on and on No end in sight, no reprieve I just need a little time, A little time to breathe. Too much to ask of the world, I know, I’m more experienced than I look. I’ve been up high and really low, I comprehend this life. Yet still one question follows me, With such irrevocable strife… A bug is here to feed the toads The plants to give off clean air A bug drinks from the plants But, oh, I cry in despair. What is my point, why am I here? Straight and to the core, There is no reason, I fear. A void to fill In no-one’s heart. Not too pretty, Not too smart. Each night rivers flow Through my soul I can’t find a reason I can’t stay whole.
x Each night I wish upon a star I'll run and run , oh so far . To get away from this normal place To hide the pain of your taken face . x </3

10 May 2009, 08:33 AM   #2
founder
Joined: 11 Mar 2009
Posts: 212
the rhythm and rhyme works really well and is almost flawless, i thought the one hitch
was "irrevocable strife"  i dont know...maybe its accurate but it just seems like a bit of
atongue-twister in my head...

overall its a pretty strong poem though, good job

10 May 2009, 08:12 PM   #3
Guest Poster
i really like it
 u can tell that u put a lot of effort into it and i like how it seems to go into ur life
setting thosese kind of poems i enloy to make and read
 very good

12 May 2009, 09:44 PM    #4
Joined: 21 Mar 2009
Posts: 22
haha thank you . Hmm that's interesting though I thought it was an awkward word I still thought that fit more than some other lines . And I just wanted really badly to use irrevocably xD Thank you for your critique ! Thank you very much . ^^
x Each night I wish upon a star I'll run and run , oh so far . To get away from this normal place To hide the pain of your taken face . x </3



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