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[CRIT] parasite.

16 June 2011, 10:37 AM   #1
Guest Poster

a poem for my Father.

and i love You.
because You’re
wonderful and
amazing and
an angel and
a saint
all rolled up into one

but my love is a selfish love, and I want to cling to You and
be Your center and
to receive Your unconditional love and
to be perfect in Your eyes

it is not god who is my everything, but You
and my love isn’t real only
lust for Your love and
lust for Your attention and
lust for Your approval

i know no god in my heart but You
i do not love through him like You do


but no, not i

feed off of You
live off of You
strive off of You

and i will die with You.

16 June 2011, 10:24 PM   #2
Joined: 6 Feb 2010
Posts: 46
I do hate critiquing poems, because they're much more abstract than a story. It's
interesting how you had capitalized the 'you's and 'your's, probably pushing even further
how important your father is to you? The poem in general seems to show you have a very
close bond.
I don't know, I don't like to say things I find 'wrong' with poetry, because it's more
expression than anything else. If I had to say anything it would be that the way it was
written was slightly awkward to read, but you could definitely feel the emotions you were
portraying. So I like it. 

16 June 2011, 11:16 PM   #3
Joined: 13 Jun 2011
Posts: 15
Even if poems can be written in any shape or form, there are still some rules you should

You need to work on the rhythm. If you aren't going to give it a rhyming scheme (the most
common type of poetry), at least make sure there are other things that makes it a poem,
and not just a series of chopped up sentences.
The syllables in each line are inconsistent. There is hardly any consonance or assonance,
and you don't even have alliteration or personification. There aren't any metaphors or
similes either. You have lots of repetition, though, I'll give you that.

17 June 2011, 06:41 AM   #4
Guest Poster
I hate critiquing poems as well, but I have always had a problem with how choppy the poem
is. thanks.

I honestly have noooo idea what half the words you mention even mean. Not sure why my
syllables need to be consistent or not...help, please? D:

But yeah, I have a (bad?) habit of making my poems into weird shapes/formats.

17 June 2011, 07:23 AM    #5
Joined: 13 Jun 2011
Posts: 15
Basically, there are these things called the Poetic Devices, which, in a sense, define
poetry. You should try to make use of them.

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