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7 March 2010, 05:58 AM   #1
Guest Poster
Last edited by Childhood, 13 March 2010
Prologue.

I am your average twelve year old girl in the 6th grade my name is Emma.I live in a small
town called Forest Park, I have more than just three friends but the main group I hang out
with consist of three girls.One is named Macey, another Ashley, and the other Avery.

My life, is simple I don't have many problems going on in my life so I rarely complain
about anything bad going on in my life because I don't be wanting to sound like a brat
when hardly anything goes wrong for me.Everything, has always been dull in my life but
every now and than exciting events happen in my life.So I try my best to have a lot of fun
while it is happening so when something awesome happens I can be very excentric.

Most of the time I watch anime,read manga, and listen to my favorite sorts of music.I am
sometimes quite which once made a doctor at a hospital think something was wrong with
me.She ended up talking to my mother about it and just as we were leaving, in an elevator
she yelled at me about it.

My mother, tends to yell at me a lot she yells at me because of the smallest things.Once
she yelled at me just because I accidently broke the weed she smokes that's right my
mother smokes weed.I wish she didn't because then I wouldn't be getting yelled at just for
coming near her weed when I didn't see it.

I have the sort of mother that expects alot of me she thinks I am perfect so when I do
something wrong she yells at me because she thinks I am suppost to be all innocent, and
never do anything wrong.That is far from the truth I stick my middle finger up at other
kids when she isn't around, and use cuss words around my friends.She thinks I don't know
about any of that stuff but in todays world kids my age know about these things by the
time they are nine.

Well, that is all I have to say about myself wait here is one important detail I will soon
become famous I just explained myself as a twelve year old girl with an, average life and
a few flaws, along with a mother who smokes weed but guess what soon my life will get
better qaulity.As soon as I become famous.It all, starts out so simple and progresses so
fast so get ready to read the story of before I became famous, how I became famous, and my
life as a famous person.

7 March 2010, 06:33 PM   #2
Joined: 12 Jul 2008
Posts: 229
It's really good, and pretty interesting. Just one thing--you have too many run-on
sentences.
You need to use more periods and commas and colons. 

For example: This is yours: 

My mother, tends to yell at me a lot she yells at me because of the smallest things
once
she yelled at me just because I accidently broke the weed she smokes that's right my
mother smokes weed.I wish she didn't because then I wouldn't be getting yelled at just
for coming near her weed when I didn't see it

This is the correct way to put it:

My mother tends to yell at me a lot. She yells at me because of the smallest
things. Once,she yelled at me just because I accidently broke the weed she smokes.
That's right my
mother smokes weed .I wish she didn't, because then I wouldn't get yelled at for coming
near her weed when I didn't see it.

7 March 2010, 08:58 PM   #3
Guest Poster
Okay.^^

7 March 2010, 10:06 PM   #4
Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Posts: 88
 Apart from very slight grammatical errors, this is very intriguing.

12 March 2010, 04:54 AM   #5
Guest Poster
Chapter 1:Just an ordinary day.
I am sleeping peacefully but a ringing sound breaks the silence in my room.The ringing
sound is coming from my alarm clock, I reach my hand out to turn it off and after
aimlessly flailing it for a few seconds I manage to finally get it to stop ringing after
hitting it with my hand.

I sit up in my bed while rubbing both my eyes I get the mirror on my dresser next to my
bed, and look into it my hair is a mess I decide to go into the bathroom and brush my
teeth,wash my face, put on deodorant, etc.Why don't I describe myself for a moment?

Well, my hair is a very light brown, my eyes are green, my skin is some what radiant, and
I am tall my friends keep telling me I should be a model.When I come to school wearing new
clothes I got with my hair looking real nice sometimes their faces light up and, they keep
telling me I am lucky to be so beautiful.

Honestly I think I look average but perhaps I am more beautiful than I lead myself to
believe I just don't want to seem full of myself is all.I am now standing infront of my
closet trying to choose what I should wear today.

I pick out a green shirt with a light pink heart in the middle, some blue jeans with a
brown belt buckle already in them, and some white long fingerless gloves.I put them all on
pick out some white socks, and put on my white sneakers.

I am now ready to go down staires and get breakfast.

''Hurry, up and get your ass down here so you can eat breakfast i'm not getting in trouble
for you!''yelled my mom from down staires.

I have been absent from school every, now and than so she tries to make sure I get to
school everyday and on time, she doesn't want to get in trouble for me and go to jail.She
reminds me of this every morning yelling at me about it telling me to hurry up no matter
how fast I am getting everything done in the morning.

I hurry up down staires not wanting her to yell at me again because when she yells at me
it is very irratating, so I sit down in a light brown wooden chair and I see my
breakfast.It is just a bowl of cereal a few thoughts go through my head first I could have
made, cereal on my own and this was so like her to be this lazy.

Perhaps, she thinks this is her not being lazy and making me breakfast later on she is
probably going to yell at me for no reason about how she does so much for me while
mentioning how she made me some cereal this morning.It is lucky charms, I hate it but my
mother likes it so I eat it grab my book bag and leave the house.

I walk down to the bus stop and sit on the bench that is there I am glad I don't, have to
stand even though it gets to where I am in only 4 minutes.Four minutes pass by, and the
bus is now where I am I step on board, and observe the bus driver for a few seconds.

She is a light skinned lady with curly brown hair, she has pretty brown eyes, and she has
on red lip stick.Her nails are painted a dark red, and she looks pretty wearing a blue
skirt, nice blue shirt with many designs on the bottom, and a hat that is blue and fancy
looking.

She simply keeps looking forward smiling a little weird but it is nice to know she is
smiling which means she is happy right?The name of the school I go to is called ''Madison
Elementary School''.

It is an ordinary school I have been going to it since I was in 1st grade, me and my
friends share a close bond to the point of knowng what each other's feelings are and being
able to understand each other very well.The bus has finally arrived at Madinson Elementary
School and I begin to exit the school bus.

My friends ride in a car with their parents for some reason I have asked but I only did
when we were in 2nd grade, so I forget the reason why.I just plain don't bother asking
again.

My friends, are infront of the school waving to me wanting me to come over to where they
are.We hang out with each other most of the time we are rarely hanging out with different
kids, or not  with each other in school.

''Hello Emma''!shouted Avery.

''Hello Avery how are you?'' I ask.

''I am fine do you know what you will be doing for the talent show?'' asked Avery.

''I'm not sure how about dancing to some music?'' I suggest.

''Great idea!'' exclaims Avery.

Today is monday, and the school talent show is on tuesday I have been thinking about what
I will do for it for a while now and I guess I will be dancing to music like I just told
my friend.Question is what sort of music will I be dancing to?

''Do you have any idea what sort of music you will be dancing to?'' asked Macey with a
curious look on her face.

''I'm not sure but as long as I know what I want to do for the talent show I know before
tomorrow I can figure that out'' I reply quickly.

Thing is I know the talent show is tomorrow, and I feel so unprepared I feel like I might
not paticipate in the talent show just because I might not be able to figure out what sort
of music I will be dancing to.

"Well, we better get inside now'' said my friend Ashley.

Well, I am still soon going to become famous so just be patient because things are just
now starting!

13 March 2010, 01:46 AM   #6
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Last edited by ‹∞ Directioner ∞›, 13 March 2010
You. Have. Run. On. Sentences.

What are RUN ON SENTENCES?

Sentences that keep going on and on.

Break them up or had a conjunction.

What's a conjunction?

A conjunction is a good that adds one sentence with another sentence.

Here is a list:

A   after   although   and   as   as far as   as how   as if   as long as   as soon
as   as though   as well as 
B   because   before   both   but 
E   either   even if   even though 
F   for 
H   how   however 
I   if   if only   in case   in order that 
N   neither   nor   now 
O   once   only   or 
P   provided 
R   rather than 
S   since   so   so that 
T   than   that   though   till 
U   unless   until 
W   when   whenever   where   whereas   wherever   whether   while 
Y   yet  

Oh, and also try not to start a sentence with AND or BUT.

***

I have a question for you:

What grade are you in?

Do you do grammar in school?

***

I love the plot of the story.

13 March 2010, 02:05 AM   #7
Guest Poster
I actually didn't bother reading it over when I finished writing this, so when I read it
after I clicked the submit button I knew I had run on sentences.I am in 6th grade, and yes
I do grammar in school.

13 March 2010, 04:42 PM   #8
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Okay, then maybe you should go back and edit the story.

I mean if you want.

14 March 2010, 06:24 AM   #9
Guest Poster
Chapter 2:The Idea
I am sitting in my 6th grade classroom Ashley is on my right,Avery is in back of me, and
Macey sits in front of me.It is english class, and our teacher is writing on the board
what school work we must do.

She is average in height she has short brown hair, her eyes are blue, and she is wearing a
black skirt and blouse.She finishes writing the school work we must do on the board.

''Alright, class open your textbooks to page 365 and work on that page in your math
notebooks'' instructed our teacher.

Just as I am about to start working on my school work, I get a tap on my shoulder from
Avery I turn around to see what she wants.

''Emma, I have an idea of what sort of music you can dance to during the talent show'' she
told me.

''That's good but can you please tell me later?'' I ask not wanting to get in trouble.

''Sure, Emma'' she says and gets back to trying to figure the mathwork out.

She, has never been good at math in the beginning of the school year her grades in math
are usually low but over time they start to become average.The mathwork we are currently
doing is order of operations, easy if you remember pemdas.

Thirty minutes later  and math class is over second, and third period is spelling.I am
walking down the hallway and going straight to my locker.

On the inside of my locker are pictures of me, and my friends at the mall.I am smiling
with them all doing the same behind me dressed in pretty clothes joy visible in their
eyes

I got the books will need for spelling, I slam the door of my locker shut I than begin
walking back to the classroom.The classroom, had half of the students now inside sitting
down waiting for everyone else to get inside some were texting on their cellphones, others
speaking to each other and telling jokes.

The classroom is reguraly like this when class isn't in cession, two minutes have passed
and now everyone is quiteing down.

''Alright, class you all no how the talent show is coming up right?Well, we will be
studying words related to what some of you might do in the talent show'' informed our
teacher.

Our teacher is a female she dresses in pink everyday, and has long curly blond hair, her
eyes are blue and she is very tall her name is Ms.Ladiko Sometimes, I think she is a
little vain always doing her make-up and applying lip gloss constantly looking in a hand
held, mirror.

She hands out a sheet of paper with our spelling words on it I read the words on the
paper.Which are singing,dancing,juggling, and talent.

''A bit to easy for 6th grade don't you think teach?'' I ask.

''Yes, but I have decided to give you all a break'' she answers.

Despite her wanting to give us all a break apparently, I still think the spelling words
are too easy for 6th grade with these sort of words everyone is going to get a 100% on
their test.I mean, I know for sure I am these words are a piece of cake I wont even bother
studying the.

I don't mean to sound arrogant though, now the teacher is making us all write the words
down on paper 10x each.This shouldn't take too long.

Almost ten minutes later and I am done writing all the spelling words 5x each.I rest, my
head on my desk and look out the window all the way on the left of the classroom.

Six minutes go by and the bell rings, it signals lunch time.Everyone, gets up from their
seats and start rushing out the classroom like a herd of cows.

Not wanting to get in anyone also rushing out the classrooms way I just stay seated
everyone is out of the classroom so finally I get out the classroom.I start, walking down
the hallway and by the time i'm in the lunch room my friends are already trying to stay
near me.

When I, enter the lunch room Avery,Ashley, and Macey usually gather around me.

''So why don't you tell me about what sort of music I should dance to during the talent
show now?'' I asked Avery as we get our lunches from the lunch lady.

''Right, I was thinking you could dance to J-Pop'' suggested Avery.

I  looked, confused I have no idea what J-pop even is.

''What the heck is J-pop?'' I ask.

''Only what awesome music from japan is called J-pop is the short term for japanese pop,
people like Beckii Cruel dance to J-pop she is very pretty and so awesome'' said my friend
Avery looking very cheerful.

''Alright now I have another question, who is Beckii Cruel?'' I asked sounding annoyed.

''She is someone on youtube who danced to japanese pop, and after getting noticed by a
popular japanese website became famous she dresses in cute outfits and is big in japan''
Avery informed me.

''Alright, so after school I will look up japanese pop songs on youtube and see where I
can get them''.

''Don't worry, I have a ton at my house just come to my house and I will lend you some
japanese pop''.

''Okay i'm glad I can rely on you''.

''I'm glad I can help you''says Avery sounding upbeat.

Alright so I am getting closer to the part where I become famous.

14 March 2010, 02:58 PM   #10
Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Posts: 88
Last edited by ‹❄Shexia: The Wintery Archer❄›, 14 March 2010
me, and my friends
Actually, my friends and I would be the proper term, as this is a serious grammar mistake. There are slight punctuation errors all over the text, but I think I should point out the most serious.
"from japan is called J-pop is the short term for japanese pop, people like Beckii Cruel dance to J-pop she is very pretty and so awesome'' "japanese pop, and after getting noticed by a popular japanese website became famous she dresses in cute outfits and is big in japan'' Avery informed me. ''Alright, so after school I will look up japanese pop songs on youtube and see where I can get them''. 'Don't worry, I have a ton at my house just come to my house and I will lend you some japanese pop''.
Here, you consistently did not capitalize the words 'Japan' or 'Japanese', which are both proper nouns. This is a huge no-no, and I will explain why. Imagine this is a novel you are writing, and you don't have an editor because your publisher expects the best from you. People who are Japanese and understand English, or are of Japanese descent, will be very offended. There are also many punctuation errors. Another serious grammar problem is this:
''Only what awesome music from japan is called J-pop is the short term for japanese pop, people like Beckii Cruel dance to J-pop she is very pretty and so awesome'' said my friend Avery looking very cheerful
I'm going to correct that whole paragraph, and pay very close attention do my corrections. "It's what awesome music from Japan is called! J-Pop is the short term for Japanese Pop. People like Beckii Cruel dance to J-pop, for example. She's really pretty, and so awesome!" My friend Avery exclaimed, looking very cheerful.
She hands out a sheet of paper with our spelling words on it I read the words on the paper.Which are singing,dancing,juggling, and talent. 'A bit to easy for 6th grade don't you think teach?'' I ask.
. She hands out sheets of paper with our spelling words on it. I read the words on the paper, which look like this: Singing Dancing Juggling Talent "Hey, this is a bit too easy for sixth grade, don't you think?" I asked, shaking my head.
She, has never been good at math in the beginning of the school year her grades in math are usually low but over time they start to become average.The mathwork we are currently doing is order of operations, easy if you remember pemdas.
She has never been good at math. In the beginning of the school year, her grades in math were usually low. Over time, though, they started to become average. The math work we are currently working on is order of operations, which is easy if you remember pemdas. Those are the biggest things I could point out. Remember your homophones, such as to, two and too. It's getting very exciting, but comes off as very wannabe-Japanese at some points. Also, perhaps you should let the story describe people instead of just profiling them in a disorganized paragraph. Here's an example, which I also grammatically corrected:
Our teacher is a female she dresses in pink everyday, and has long curly blond hair, her eyes are blue and she is very tall her name is Ms.Ladiko Sometimes, I think she is a little vain always doing her make-up and applying lip gloss constantly looking in a hand held, mirror.
A tall bundle of pink clothes- or rather, our teacher, Ms. Ladiko, sashayed into the classroom. Tossing her long, blonde curls, her blue eyes quickly swept across the class, calulating how many students there were that needed paper. I have to say something about Ms. Ladiko, here in my story. Sometimes, I think that she is a bit vain, and I have proof on my side. She's always fiddling with her make-up (especially with the lip gloss) in the middle of class! Oh, and as if that isn't bad enough, she's constantly looking in a little handheld mirror! The story is otherwise good. c:

14 March 2010, 02:59 PM   #11
Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Posts: 88
me, and my friends
Actually, my friends and I would be the proper term, as this is a serious grammar mistake. There are slight punctuation errors all over the text, but I think I should point out the most serious.
"from japan is called J-pop is the short term for japanese pop, people like Beckii Cruel dance to J-pop she is very pretty and so awesome'' "japanese pop, and after getting noticed by a popular japanese website became famous she dresses in cute outfits and is big in japan'' Avery informed me. ''Alright, so after school I will look up japanese pop songs on youtube and see where I can get them''. 'Don't worry, I have a ton at my house just come to my house and I will lend you some japanese pop''.
Here, you consistently did not capitalize the words 'Japan' or 'Japanese', which are both proper nouns. This is a huge no-no, and I will explain why. Imagine this is a novel you are writing, and you don't have an editor because your publisher expects the best from you. People who are Japanese and understand English, or are of Japanese descent, will be very offended. There are also many punctuation errors.

14 March 2010, 06:20 PM    #12
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Well, chococandy101 covered most of the grammar mistakes.

Also, remember that there is always at least ONE SPACE after a period.
''Emma, I have an idea of what sort of music you can dance to during the talent show'' she told me.
This is wrong. It should be: "Emma, I have an idea of what sort of music you can dance to during the talent show," she told me. You need a comma before the quote and after what she says. You can also have ! or ?. Otherwise, I like the story so far. You might want to describe what school looks like. Love how you are describing the teachers and stuff.


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