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Bad Influence on You

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14 March 2010, 05:53 AM   #1
Guest Poster
I can't tell you how many times my life has been here before. Just as he asked me to be
his steady, I realized he was too good for me and, once more, had to crush the man of my
dreams. Why am I so cruel?

My name is Rachel Olivia Albercht. My parents are rich, but I'm going to be richer. As
soon as I turn 18, I'm scrapping my fake career as I co-manager of my parent's paper
company and going into modeling. This morning, though, my dreams are going to have to be
postponed. I was planning on working on a call card, but whatever. I have to go my stupid
aunt's wedding instead. This is her fourth husband. I suspect this one too will be a
failed marriage, because he started out as her secretary. I think he's in it for the
money. Good for him. I rummage around in the stacks of clothing that are my closet until I
find a white blouse. I pair it with a coral pink high-waisted skirt that falls down to
above my knee. I slip into some white flats and put on my motorcycle jacket, not really
caring that it doesn't match. I text my friend Alice, telling her I can't make it to her
modeling shoot after all and good luck with the job. My mom gives me a dissapproving look
when I come down the stairs, but I roll my eyes and put on more black eyeliner. My dad
starts to say something, but thinks again.
"I'll drive myself," I say shortly, and slam the front door on my way out. I speed down
our reclusive private driveway and onto the freeway. I lose myself in the song "Bad
Influence" by P!nk. While I'm singing along, I'm distracted by something glittery from my
right cupholder. It's a padlock necklace with tiny coral pink diamonds embedded in it. The
chain is just at the right length so it rests where my collarbones meet. I smile a little
at myself in the mirror, and apply lipgloss before allowing my attention to go back to the
road. I wonder briefly about where it came from, but decide it was a goodbye present from
John. A tear slips from my eye and rolls down my cheek. No more follow.

(This is just something I just randomly typed through in about five minutes. No idea where
it's headed)

14 March 2010, 06:34 AM   #2
Guest Poster
Very interesting, I hope you can take the story somewhere interesting.

14 March 2010, 01:27 PM   #3
Guest Poster
I like how it started. (:

14 March 2010, 02:15 PM   #4
Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Posts: 88
 This is very intriguing indeed, but be careful not to over-describe clothes. You
didn't exactly go overboard, but a few of the warning-signs are up. Over-description of
clothes makes it seem amateur-ish and unprofessional, as well as a bit Mary-Sue-ish, so be
very careful that you don't overdo it in this story. Luckily, you haven't gone passed
where most (including where I) draw the line, so I can still help you with some
constructive criticism. The best way to really describe something is to let the story
reveal it, like this:
"Smoothing out my formal white blouse, I lose myself in the song 'Bad Influence' by
P!nk. The wind blows a refreshing breeze around my knees and bare legs, also slightly
tousling the coral-pink folds of my high-waisted skirt." 
Then again, you and I have different writing styles, but this is simply a suggestion.

14 March 2010, 06:59 PM    #5
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Love the plot.

I would love to learn more about her past.

Which I am guessing you will tell about her past as the story goes on.

Most authors don't have an idea where the story is going. Just like you. They try
different things.

Remember to make a story you got to figure out what she wants, and then she doesn't get
what she wants.


Emily lives in Poland. Her dad lives in USA. He is gonna save up money so he can send his
family to US.

Emily wants to stay in Poland and marry for love.

Dad sends a letter saying that she is coming to US and has a man to marry her.

This is actually from a story that is already written.

She doesn't get what she wants, and that's what makes a story. the story so far. Keep writing!

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