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BTF-Best Twins Forever

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4 April 2010, 02:26 PM   #1
Guest Poster
Last edited by ‹☮SmileyPeanut☮›, 6 April 2010
Happy Easter guys! 
This just came to me so I got to write it(it's not true,I'm an only chiled,butI did move
from CO To CA)

Preview I turned out the lights, set up the tripod and Sunny turned on the TV.
I'm Winter Thompson. I'm an 11 year young tomboy and I've had a pretty normal childhood.
Untill Easter of 2010. That's the day my life was transformed.

 Intro: First of all, I don't know how I could have survived the big move without
my twin sister,Sunny. We're Identical twins, She's only 6 seconds older. We both have
brown hair and freckles, we're both 4'10" and we both weigh 60lb. The only difference is
our eyes. If you were in a hurry, you wouldn't know the difference. Dad often calls me
sunny when he's getting ready for work and mom calls Sunny Winter when she's cooking. My
eyes are are pure black, although they look very cold, I'm actually a very warm person,
and that's why my name is Winter, because although winter is cold it's a time full of
warmth and happiness.I'm also one tough cookie,but I'm sentimental and shy.Everyone has
feelings. Sunny's eyes are much more complex. From a distance, they look brown or black.
Up close,you can see a little hazel, but the truth is that her eyes are a dark-ish brown.
Much different from regular brown. Like me, Sunny is a tomboy and she likes to wear a
bright yellow jacket, a sky-blue tank,and blue shorts.She's cartographer,better known as a
map-maker. She loves to learn different routes and places, the layout of buildings and the
area of plains and mountains.She speaks with lots of feeling, and always apreciates free
speech. I'm a photoghrapher. My mom brought me a camera when I was 5 years young, and ever
since I've been taking pictures, poseing my stuffed animals in dramatical and
funny ways. I also have a camcorder, I love to to take videos and make movies. I take
pictures of landscapes and houses, and Sunny turnes them into maps.Sometimes I feel
jealous because she can make maps and blueprints,and all I do is take pictures. But in the
end I always come to my senses and realize that I'm the only person on the block who knows
what all the pros and cons are of refraction. My fav colours are also yellow and blue, but
I like to wear a snowy-blue jacket and a yellow T-shirt inside, and blue jeans. Sometimes
we trade outfits to fool our friends, but it doesn't work all of the time. We're both
Gifted and Talented students, we both love AC-DC and we both had crushes on the McKenzie

Chapter 1: The Move When My dad was laid of, he decided that we had to move back to
California. Mom and Dad were born and raised there, but Sunny and I had been living in
Colorado for all our lives, and had only been there to visit family. We begged him not to
go, and mom reasoned with him, but it just wouldn't work. So we packed up our things and
said good-bye forever to our little house that we'd lived in longer then I could remember.
As soon as we hit the road, it wasn't too bad. Dad was driving a 26-foot penskie tuck with
all our stuff in it, and we were sitting in the back of mom's van as she followed dad on
the freeway. I brought my camera and I was trying to get just the right picture of the
mountains. I had taken lots of pictures already and Sunny was now using a sharpie to make
a map of a big, foggy mountain we had gone past.
                   "Here's the wind blowing in the fog at 1,000 ft, so in 4 hours it'll
snow at the peak, and the snow will slide down the aquaduct, eventually landing in the
Colorado river," exclaimed Sunny.
                  "Cool, The reason the clouds come in so clear is because the flash from
my camera was alinged with the sun, therefore intersecting directly at the clouds creating
a perfect image," I replied. We always talked this way, so for hours we chatted about
which way the Colorado river goes,and how it goes into the grand canyon and how taking
shots of a river at different angles can complety transform how well you can see through
it. For three days we travled in this manner, constantly taking perfect photos and making
maps, then stoping in the evening at a hotel were we ate dinner and watch television.
                       When we arrived at Grandpa and Grandma's house, which we'd been to
many times before, we unloaded the truck and put everything except cloths, my camera, and
our atlas and pencil boxes, in storage. Then came school. We hated it there. The teachers
did nothing fun at Rancho elementary, they didn't do science like Mrs. Zook,our old
teacher, they didn't let us bring stuffed animals and projects to school.And the problems
bored us to death And worst of all, the students were so mean and stupid. We felt sorry
for them because they didn't know how to have fun, but we were angry at them because no
one is born knowing how to have fun, they should've taught themselvs. Every night we came
down with our heads down low,and  in a very bad mood.
                      In a few weeks, we moved to Olivewood apartments and attended
Naranca Elementary, which was just the same as Rancho,except the teachers were much
better, the education was OK and the kids were far worse. They cused and talked of nothing
but dates and the girls were always talking about Justin Beaver(GROSS) and boys. They
didn't even know how to make a map or how to take a picture without a reflective flash.
But we just grined and beared it. Then we met the McKenzies.

Well, I'll write more later, plz comment!
(the scary part doesn't come untill Chapter 5: April's Secret)

4 April 2010, 08:00 PM   #2
Guest Poster
Very nice and I love the plot so far.

5 April 2010, 12:09 PM   #3
The Founder
Joined: 1 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
I like it! How many stories have you written(or started) so far? Your story reminds me of
the writing style I had when I was younger(that's a compliment!).
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5 April 2010, 01:30 PM   #4
Guest Poster
Last edited by ‹☮SmileyPeanut☮›, 5 April 2010
@Childhood: Thanks!
@‹H a n n a h   M a r i e♥›:This is my first one, but I've written like 10 stories
on scool assignments and stuff.
I think I'll edit it, then I'll start Chapter Two.

5 April 2010, 03:43 PM   #5
Guest Poster
Last edited by ‹☮SmileyPeanut☮›, 5 April 2010
Chapter 2:The McKenzies 
It was a hot afternoon, and me and Sunny had just finished decorating our room. We  were
disapointed at the size of it, so with some imagination, mapping equiptment and my
complete photoghraphy set, we turned that boxed-in room into a dream.
                      "I can't believe it, our own television and a laptop!" Sunny cried.
Mom had brought us a laptop with a buit in satilite, so Sunny could could make as many
graphic maps as she could and we didn't have to hog the family computer any more. And Dad
had installed the old tv that had been in our crallspace for 13 years.
              "And we have a perfect view of the night sky, and the wall unit fits
perfectly!" I replied. Because we were living upstars the night sky was directly aligned
with the camera holder nailed onto the middle of our bunk bed, so we could take pictures
of the constallations. The wall unit was in the living room at our old house,but it didn't
fit in the small living room here, so now it was in our room. It was on the north side of
our room, the television was on the biggest shelf on the left with a dvd-player on top,
the laptop and my blue digital camera were on the right self, both charging along with our
printer that we'd had for years, all the books and atlass were on the two bottom selfs,
and the camcorder and tape recorder were on the highest shelf, so that Sunny and I could
take videos of ourselves from the south side of the room, were Sunny's world map was
placed to the right of the tiny closet,and there were two beanbags facing the tv ont the
floor. The bunk bed was on the west side,and the window on the east side,with a chair and
desk with all sunny's map-making suppplies. We admired our room, then Sunny picked up the
                       "Let's see, unpack-checked,decorate-check. Now the only things left
are to explore the apartments, and meet the neighbors," Sunny said.
                "Let's  get started!" I said, I picked up my camera, and sunny picked up
her map-drafts notebook and a pencil, and we ran out of the room.
           "Bye mom, were going to explore the apartments," we said in unison. We ran down
the stairs and turned right. I took a picture of the parking lot, Sunny quikly jotted down
a picture of the complex, and the lot. I continued to take pictures of everything
interesting, as Sunny noted every turn. We were so engulfed in our observations that we
didn't notice the two boys coming toward us, and we bupmed into them. 
                             "Oh, uh, sorry,  we didn't see you there, I said weakly. One
was about 12, reading 2,000 Leages Under The Sea and the other looked like our age
and was drawing a picture.
                  "No,it's our fault,I'm John McKenzie and this is my brother Tim," the
older boy said.
                    "We're new here, we live in #52, we were just exploring," Sunny said,
staring at Tim. Now That we'd been better aquainted, I noticed that John had bright blond
hair and blue eyes, and he was about 5ft tall, and Tim was a red-head with the same blue
eyes,and about 4'11.
                      "This is my sister Sunny Thompson, and I'm Winter Thompson," I said
                      "Wow, your identical!" said Tim, looking up from his artwork.
                 Sunny and I winked at eachother. We got this all the time.
                         "We'll show you around, we have plenty of time, our dad isn't
home." said John
                        "You don't have to, your mom is probably waiting for you,"Sunny
said. I elbowed her. She couldn't just throw these guys away. I had a good feeling about
them. But we've always thought exactly the same. That's how we spoke in unison so much. I
could almost read her mind at times. She wasn't shooing them away, she was lureing them,
and she wanted to know more about them. So did I.
                    "Mom died when I was born," Tim said nervously. John began walking,
and we followed him.
                     "Dad's a long-distance truck driver, he won't be back for a
week,"John said.
                        I looked curiously at Sunny, who was lost in thought. then we
exchanged glances.
                   "Who's at home with you then," I asked,forgeting to take a picture as
we passed the main office. Sunny had closed her notebook, something she never did when we
were exploring.
                               "Dad got an e-mail from our aunt saying she'd take care of
us," John continued. 
          Then Sunny looked at Tim's notebook.
                                 "What are you drawing?" Sunny asked.
                          Tim looked around, as if someone was listening.
                               "It's a sea-serpent, John's writing about a man who is
stranded at sea and must defeat all sorts of mythical creatures, we make stories together"
Tim said
                              "Wow," I said. They had special talents just like us."I like
to take pictures and make videos," I said, showing John and Tim some of the pictures on my
                              "There's no reflections! And that's the grand canyon, but
it's going directly down! That would look great in a book we wrote called The Great
Fall," exclaimed John. 
                                 "Sunny makes maps in her notebook, then she uses my
photos to make her final maps," I said, and Sunny showed her notes to Tim.
                             "These are great, I've never mapped out my ilitrations, but
it looks fun,"Tim said.
                 Then I remembered what we had been talking about before.
                           "So what was with your aunt?"I asked.
                           "We just sent that with April's laptop," John said.
                      "April?" Sunny asked saddly
                               "She's our cousin,you'd like her, she lives across the
street in that old-fashioned house,"Tim said, pointing towards a brick house with elegant
windows and shutters.
                   Sunny suddenly remembered her notes and opened them up to the map she'd
been making, and added everything that we'd passed by. I took out my camera, tilted it to
a 100 degree angle and took a picture of the old house.
                  "Why are you tilting the camera?" John asked in a puzzled voice, unlike
the way my classmates asked when they teased me about being too picky.
            "Because the sun is coming in  from behined me at an 80 degree angle, tilting
the camera at 100 degrees will magnify the image by giving it more light, this way Sunny
can study it and learn more about it," I said proudly, but I was a little nervous. What if
he asked me something I couldn't answer. But my thoughts were inturupted by John.
                "You can learn things just from this picture," he said.
         "Along with being a mapmaker, I'm kind of a reseacher, cause we like to know
everything we can from our observations,"Sunny said.
         "Me too," Tim said with a smile. "I don't just doodle in my notebook, I draw what
I think about the facts I learn."
    We continued to talk about what we do, making videos and maps, the boys talked about
all thier books, and we walked twice around the 4 complexes at olivewood. Finally, The sun
began to set, so we departed and headed back to #52
         "We'll see you tomorrow, we'll intoduce you Aprill," John said as we left.
         When we got home we told mom and dad all about the Mckenzies, and we showed them
the pictures and the maps we'd made then we went to our room.
            "I like Tim, he has a draft notebook just like me!" Sunny cried.
             "John likes my photos,he says he'll put some of the ones I took at the beach
in his new book,"
              "Do you know what I'm thinking?" Sunny asked.
            "Naa... Of course not," I said nervously. "Well maybe they do...just a
             "Or Maybe a lot!" Sunny cried as she hoped onto the blue beanbag.
          We both laughed. I took my cowboy-bear howard from the top bunk and Sunny's
white bunny Joey from the bottom bunk, then I put them both on the yellow bean bag and I
took  some pictures. Sunny sat down at the desk and looked at the window, then at my
constallations book. We took some pictures of Orin, the constallation that was visiable
tonight, then I downloaded all the pictures I'd taken that day to our laptop and printed
them out so that Sunny could make a complete map of the olivewood apartments. Then we put
the completed map in The book of maps we'd made, which contained over 200 maps we had made
from the villiage of stuffed animals we'd made when we were 5 and the map of Las Vegas,
which had come in handy when we got seperated from our parents at Ceaser's Palace. We
viewed all the work we'd done since the Christmas when I got a camerera and Sunny got her
map-making kit. Then we watched tv, and finally I climbed up to my bunk and hit the sack.
Sunny was afraid of hieghts when we'd gotton the bed and I could take great videos from
the top now, so Sunny always slept at the bottom, where the glow-in the-dark atlas was
taped to the bottom of my bed.
             The next Day, we met April Jones

Plz Comment!

6 April 2010, 07:09 PM   #6
Guest Poster
prologue and intro mean the same thing..
just a tip for the future.

6 April 2010, 07:25 PM   #7
Guest Poster
oh. whoops, I knew that, I just forgot. I'll fix that(I really did know that i just
forgot when I typed Intro that I already typed Prolouge)

6 April 2010, 07:26 PM   #8
Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Posts: 88
 I know I'm going to sound mean, but I've been writing for as long as I can
remember, and I've learned a lot. So please, take this as constructive criticism from
someone who's just turned twelve and has a lot of experience. 

First, the good stuff. You use very good adjectives in the text. Also, you have good ideas
to mix with a great vocabulary- a must for a writer. I can tell you have a lot of
potential, and the plot is intriguing. Keep it up! 

Sadly, I also have to point out the negatives. To put it bluntly, the grammar is making
me- excuse the unkind term- cringe. I can't even correct the whole text, as it would take
me hours to do. I know that this is the internet, not school, but to me, spelling and
grammar are crucial elements of a text. They are like the bread on a sandwich- they might
not seem to be important, but they hold the whole thing together. Without decent spelling
and grammar - or bread, for that matter, your story or sandwich is a floppy mess. I
suggest you run this through Microsoft Word or use a Firefox browser before posting- both
have spellchecks. 

Secondly, your characters are Mary-Sues. If you don't know what those are, Google them or
ask someone here at the club. The names, such as "Sunny" and "Winter", pretty as they may
be, are really, really off-putting for me. Also, they are both anorexic. That is not a
joke- I was sixty pounds when I was five. If any eleven year old who is 4'10 (which is my
height, and I just turned twelve) weighed sixty pounds, they would be hospitalized for
anorexia or some other horrible health problem. I suggest bumping up their weight to at
least seventy-eight. Oh, and that they "all have special talents" is also pretty

You attempted foreshadowing in your last post- that was very brave. If you didn't know,
foreshadowing is hinting at something that is to come, in one way or another. However, the
way you did it - each girl saying what they liked about each boy- is obvious.
Foreshadowing should be done carefully -very carefully, as to pique someone's
interest, but not give too much away. That they are going to fall in love or something is
obvious here.

6 April 2010, 07:42 PM   #9
Guest Poster
Last edited by ‹☮SmileyPeanut☮›, 6 April 2010
Thanks for the constructive Critisisim! Spelling and Grammer are very important to me
too, but I'm just a really bad at typeing( I was also in a hurry and I know writing isn't
a very good thing to do when you're in a hurry)So I'll use grammer check from now on.
Also, I'm 11 and I weigh 65lb(I know,I'm small), and my docter says I'm very healthy,
except I have mild asthma,but I will keep that in mind.
I know the special talents thing is(sorry for the slang) really geeky, and I thank you for
making me realize that, so I'll definatly edit it. But G.T(gifted and talented) is  a real
thing, I'm in a G.T class.
       I really didn't know that I was foreshadowing,It's just my style to build suspense,
and not to give it away but John already has a girlfriend, and Tim's not as charming as he
may seem....
Anyways, Thanks again, and please tell me what you think of the furture chapters and I'll
edit both chapters, so please tell me if you see anymore mistakes. 

Besides,It's just a draft for fun, the kind of thing you jot down in a notebook only to
let it rot away and one day pick it up and wonder why you ever wrote it.

6 April 2010, 09:08 PM   #10
Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Posts: 88
 Great to know, twin. 

6 April 2010, 10:10 PM   #11
Guest Poster
 I'm not sure what the title should be,I started on easter so I was going to call it the
Easter Bunny,but now I realize that it should have a more definate title, such as
"Together Forever" or "BTF-Best Twins Forever"
The story is pretty much about how Winter and Sunny go through all sorts of junk like
finding out secrets about thier friends and stuff. I think I made Winter sound too
wonderful, and I hope no one gets the impression that she's a snob. 

7 April 2010, 01:36 PM   #12
The Founder
Joined: 1 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
I love the second chapter! It's really good, how you described everything. However, now
that ChocoCandy said all that stuff, I have to agree with some of it.
You must remember that, when describing a scene, make it as clear as possible but don't
include every little detail, because sometimes readers, /coughmecough/, get bored.
Don't forget to point out flaws in your characters, and if they have none or very few,
then say so in the story.
And ChocoCandy, you have AWESOME critisism, can you look at my story Change? Thanks so
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7 April 2010, 04:52 PM   #13
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
Well, I think Cococandy101 said everything I was thinking about.

When I read this story this morning (I had time) the first thing I thought was that the
pounds are way off.

Also, the names are Mary-Sue.

Other than that (besides the grammar/spelling) love the story.

You sound like you are actually taking the pictures the way she talks.

Either you took time to research that or you know that's what you do.

Either way love how you do that. old are they?

Just wondering...

I think it said it in the story, but I REALLY don't want to read it again. Sorry, but my
arm is killing me just typing this stuff and at school.

If they are a pretty young age remember that MOST boys grow later than girls. 

Just a little tip to be more realistic.

I think that's all I am going to say now.

7 April 2010, 07:45 PM   #14
Joined: 25 Feb 2010
Posts: 88
 I'd be happy to. 

7 April 2010, 08:52 PM    #15
Guest Poster
Thanks,The girls are 11.
I just know how photoghaphers talk,so I just wrote some jibberish I've seen on the
internet and at Best Buy about Cameras.But I'm sure it's true.
I know that thier names Are Mary-Sues or whatever you want to call it and I know that I'm
making them sound to good and that it's supposed to be dramatical and blah blah blah,but I
like useing strange names and if you don't like it then don't read the story,obviosly. Or
maybe I should just quit the club and take my mary-sues stories with me and just write on
I'm trying to be a bossy or a snob, it's just that I hardly ever write real stories and I
just wanted to try and now everyone is critisizing me, and I'm very sensitive, I just
wanted to write something that came to my head and now I feel like like just eraseing the
whole thing and never writing again 

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