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Stuck In Kiddieland

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28 June 2010, 08:32 PM   #1
The Founder
Joined: 1 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
Since I'm almost finished with Change, heres a new story! Tell me what you think.

Chapter 1

"Oooh, Star! let me paint your nails! This color will look so cute on you." Anna said.

"WHAAAT? No way!" said Star. "Who's gonna notice my tonails anyway?"

"You're right," said Anna, putting the bright red bottle away. "You always wear those
sneakers anyway. But, you know, if you wore flip flops..." A hopeful grin crossed on her
face as she looked up at Star.

"Nu-uh," Star shook her head so fast her hair looked like a brown storm. "I'ma love these
shoes forever!" Then, giggling, she fell over and waved her feet in the air like a little
kid. Anna rolled her eyes and sighed. It was always the same. Star wore the same thing
everyday-faded shorts, an orange shirt with pink polka dots, a long purple cape, and pink
sneakers-and always acted like a kid. She never wanted to dress up or be all "girly". Star
even hated her real name, Susan, and chose to be called Star at all times by everyone.
Only her teachers called her Susan. But most annoying, Star talked a little old fashion,
and use phrases like, "Nu-uh" and "You couldn't catch me doin' THAT" and sometimes slurred
her words together.

Suddenly, Star's mom, Lisa, called up the stairs. "Anna! Your mother called. She's coming
to pick you up in ten minutes! be ready!" "'Kay Mom!" Star yelled back. Before Star could
say anything else, Anna stodd up, grabbing her purse in the process. 

"I'll just go wait downstairs. Oh and Star? There's going to be a party, at Jenna's house
next week. I really think you should co-" Star cut her off. "No. I'm not dressing up and
going to parties like, like some girly girl teenager person!"

"But," said Anna, sounding tired, "You are a teenager. Fourteen, to be exact. Just think
about it, OK? Bye." with that, she left. Anna had been doing that alot lately, Star
noticed. Acting like she was disapointed in Star, like she really needed to grow up. Star
felt so weird when Anna got like that. Was she supposed to feel bad? Was she supposed to
change? Weren't you supposed to be yourself? Star's parents never said anything about or
encouraged her to grown up. Only her sister, Kalie, did that. Ugh, thought Star.
Why did I have to be stuck with an obnoxious sister like Kalie?
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5 July 2010, 12:18 PM   #2
Guest Poster
Its good

5 July 2010, 01:25 PM   #3
Joined: 14 Mar 2010
Posts: 155
It's amzing! Can't wait till oyu start to write more!

5 July 2010, 02:06 PM   #4
The Founder
Joined: 1 Apr 2009
Posts: 350

Continuation of Chpater 1
Star really didn't know. So she decided to drop the thought and go downstairs to have a
snack. Once in the kitchen, she got out a box of grahm crackers and chocolate milk. Then
she opened to newspaper to the comics and started reading.

Ten minutes later, Kalie walked in the room. With her short sundress, high heels,
manicured nails, purse, and professionally styled hair, 16-year-old Kalie looked like a
model. Well, she looked like a model to everyone else but her family, that is.

"My god, Star, do you seriously have to eat like a seven year old?" She squinted
her eyes at the sight of Star's mess.

"What are you talking about?" said Star, but her mought was full, so it sounded more like,
"Vat or oo alling a-out?" Little crumbs spewed from her open mouth as she talked.

"Ew, Star, you're DISGUSTING!" shrieked Kalie. Star rolled her eyes. She was used to kalie
shrieking. And yelling, and shouting, and crying....

Kalie walked to the other side of the kitchen, keeping her eyes on Star as if she were
some sort of bug that Kalie didn't kill, but wanted to watch it just in case it turned out
to be a jumping bug. She finally arrived at the door that led outside, and proceeded to
walk out. However, Star stopped her.

"Wait, Kalie! Today's Bring Your Kid To Work Day, remember?" called Star.

"So?" said Kalie, half in and half out of the house.

"So, you and me are gonna go'ta the office with Daddy!"

"I'm not going to the office, Star, that place is the most boring place on earth."

"Well then you're gonna have to go with Mom to the resaurant," warned Star. "And you don't
want to go there!" The restaurant where Lisa worked was an old-fashioned place, the kind
where there were checkered booths and posters of old singers on the wall. It was just
about the worst place to go if you were a kid. The adults always offered you cigarrette,
always asked if you want to play cards. And Macks, the boss, would put you to work if you
didn't "entertain" the customers, as he put it. The place was called The Travel Box, but
since it was such a terrible name and a terrible place, everyone simply reffered to it as
the Resaurant. It was a wonder it was even still open. Star shuddered just thinking about

"Of course I'm not going to the restaurant, dummy," said Kalie, speaking as if Star should
understand what she was hinting at.

"But-" siad Star, struggling to find the right words. "Where are you gonna go?"

"I'm not going anywhere!" cried Kalie. "It's bring you KID to work day, and I am not a kid
anymore! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be out with some friends."

"Wait," said Star, "Dad already thinks you're going with him!"

Kalie rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious. "I'm just going to tell him that I'm
going with Mom, and I'll tell Mom that I'm going with Dad. Problem solved. Now goodbye!"

"But wait! What if they start talking about it when they're together? Then they'll find
out you didn't go with either one."

"I'll figure something out, Star, geez! I'm done talking about this. GOODBYE!" And she
slammed the door on her way out.
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5 July 2010, 02:14 PM   #5
Joined: 14 Mar 2010
Posts: 155
Loved it! (mind checking uot my newest stories?)
Your story was so great, can't wait till you write more!

5 July 2010, 07:28 PM   #6
The Founder
Joined: 1 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
Thank you sooo much!
And I will 
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7 July 2010, 02:12 PM   #7
The Founder
Joined: 1 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
Ugh, I've been stuck in writing mode all week. I need to write!!!!!!!! And I'm bouncing
back between 3 stories; this one, Fairy, and an idea I'm playing around with. it's getting
so confusing... "O.o

Chapter 2

"It's too bad Kalie couldn't come," said Mike, Star's dad. Star bit her lip to keep
herself from talking. She was afraid that if she said anything she would blurt out
the truth about Kalie. Then Kalie would probably kill her.

Star was silent the whole ride to the Office. They finally arrived, and, once
inside, walked over to Mike's box office. A familiar yellow chair encrusted with
plastic jewles was sitting in a corner.

"Your throne awaits, my queen," said Mike. Star gigled. "Daddy, I'm not five
anymore!" But she climbed upon the chair nonetheless.

"OK, I've gotta go talk to someone. I'll be right back," said Mike, and he left the room.

As Star looked around, she spotted her dad's work phone on his desk. It was specially
designed for him. Since Mike had a  memory condition, he couldn't always remember phone
calls from work, thus ending up in him ruinng something. So the company got him this phone
where, after the conversations ended, he could press a button and listen to it all over
again. Suddenly feeling a game of spy coming on, Star jumped off the throne and quietly
walked over to the door. After checking to make sure nobody was around, she walked over to
the phone. She pressed the yellow button, and a list of dates popped up on the tiny
screen. She selected the date June 3, a random date, and all the information about the
call came up.

June 03, 2010

Star then pressed the smaller yellow button to start the conversation. At first, it was
all work stuff, so Star fast -forwarded. Suddenly, she heard her name.

"...Star doing?" said the voice on the other line; a woman.

"Oh, great, she's doing great," answered Mike.

"Is she still the same?"

(A pause) "Yeah, pretty much."

"Mike, you need to really need to get her act together! I mean, what kind of dad doesn't
discipline his child?"

"Hey! This really is none of your businessm Maureen."

"Mike, I don't care about that. What I care about is how Star still acts like a little
kid, and you don't do anything about it!"

"She does not act like a little kid!"

"Then how do you explain her name?"

"I think it's cute."

"That's just it. Fourteen year old girls don't want their parents to think their name
is... 'cute'. You need to do something about her. She's needs to grow up!"

There was a long period of silence, and then finally Mike spoke again, sounding very
tired. "Can we please just talk about something else?" They then started talking about
other business.

Not listening anymore, Star pressed the off button.
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11 July 2010, 09:32 AM   #8
The Founder
Joined: 1 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
Hello, everyone. I have an idea. Let's all comment so Hannah knows how she's doing on
this story.
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11 July 2010, 12:48 PM   #9
Guest Poster
Very delightful so far~

12 July 2010, 02:27 PM   #10
Guest Poster
It's really good so far. You're a great writer. Ooh and you should publish your Change
story on everyone would love it there.

12 July 2010, 04:03 PM   #11
Joined: 14 Mar 2010
Posts: 155
It's so amazing, than again, all your stories are!

16 July 2010, 11:40 PM   #12
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669

Don't worry, that's for me showing you I have NO IDEA WHAT I SHOULD SAY.

Its really wonderful...REALLY.

Its just that.

I can't find a freakin mistake. Not even one.

So I guess I will give you some tips:

• Not too much dialog.

• Character description. (I don't know if you have it in this story, because its been a
while since I read it.)

• Make sure you know the character's past.

• Flaws. All characters need them.

Ugh...that's all I can think of right now. You probably know all the tips already.

Good luck!

^I just added that, because keep writing...sounds sooo old.^

17 July 2010, 03:25 AM   #13
The Founder
Joined: 1 Apr 2009
Posts: 350
Last edited by ‹RushingStars★›, 17 July 2010
Yeah, i've always tried not to put in too much dialoge, bu i think i've started doing
that. o.O
I did describe Star...I'll just get more into that later in the story.
Ooh, that's good!
Also, good, shall keep that in mind.

And thanks!!!!!!
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18 July 2010, 12:19 AM   #14
Joined: 9 Jun 2008
Posts: 669
You know I have been thinking about it.

Meg Cabot...ever heard of her? She is one of my favorite authors. I love her books.

Her books are mostly just dialog. I was talking with my sister and she said the same
thing. But yet, we both like more dialog than like anything else.

So I don't know if too much dialog is really a thing. I make it realistic, which is what
you mostly do, too.

That's what my head is spinning around mostly. I have been telling myself not too much
dialog, but when I crack open a book they have A LOT.

So just go with what you really feel what is right. Also, reread everything after a couple
of days.

At the moment it might sound good, but when you read it again a few days later it might
sound horrible.

Which is what I get every single time.

Anyways, best of luck with your next chapters!

18 July 2010, 12:43 AM    #15
Joined: 14 Mar 2010
Posts: 155

I know, I am always cursing myself because of too much dialogue in a story I'm writing on
paper. But that you open a book and you see so much, and for me I start second guessing if
I put enough dialogue in.

@ Hannah
 I think your stories great, much realistic! In fact, I know a real girl who's a bit like
this. Blonde, skinny, glasses, in love with harry potter, and she hasn't taken off a cape
for over eight months. But she acted rock hard to what others thought of her and how she
should be, but inside she was slowly crumbling, each crtisizing remark breaking her heart.
Tht's what I kind of got out of your character, Star.
 Starting out so brave and so detirmind,"Nuh uh" "I'mma". Not caring what other thought
about her. But at hte end of chapter three, I got a different vibe. She pressed off, but
hte feeling I got was a bit of anger and sadness that they'd actually talk about her like
this, and it was only a co-worker and her father. Did that mean everyone was talking about
That's jsut the vibes I got from your character. But your writing in this is definetly
amazing. It makes you root for one character and feel for them. In my eyes, that shows the
author is talented.

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