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Black Strawberry- a good story i am currently writing, horror/action for now, read and comment!

Black Strawberry     -       read and tell me if you want it to continue.

CH. 1

         The wind twirled leaves and papers outside with little whirlwinds. The clouds blocked out the sun and
threatened to rain. Ray sat as usual, looking at nothing in particular. Spacing out, thinking of something entirely
different from what was supposed to be thought of. "Can you tell the class what we just learned, Ray?" asked her
teacher. "uhh! what!?" and so another day went through in the same manner it always went. Lately ray had been more out
of it than usual. Shed not told anyone about anything though. If she told them, they would tell her that it's just
something else, or that she needs help. Lately, the shadows were way too visible. She could hear them whispering as she
did numerous things. 

         At first, ray was very interested. She tried to figure out where the whispers were coming from, but despite her
effort, could not. They seemed to always be in front of her or above her, but never behind her. She could not make out
what they were saying either. The whispers were too hoarse and muffled. It sounded as if there was fear in the whispers
though, and its presence also had a hint of fear. She wished she might be able to comfort it, but at the moment it did
not seem to be happening.

         Ray was not the type to run and squeal, she had developed an instinct of duck and punch. In these streets, one
had to know how either how to run faster than the gangs, or how to fight them off. The first was a good choice for many,
but ray had become sick of the annoyance the gangs brought to her. The gangs ran the streets and most other things. They
were not to be challenged and doing so usually ended badly for the one trying. They were feared by many and were always
armed with guns and knives. But the thing that scared the people here most; the leader of the Achyuta gang. 

         From what ray had heard, the leader had a certain power. One that was not in normal peoples understanding.
Sometimes brave men went up to the leader urging him to stop the violence in their city and never came back. So,
speaking to them was no method of convincing them. Once, the leader had come into the city to confront another gang
leader of the murder of his communication specialist. Soon after an argument sparked between the two, explosions could
be heard. After they stopped, one could see that every building on the side of the street was demolished; and in the
middle of the street lay the body of the leader whom the Achyuta gang leader confronted.

         In the past weeks Ray had thrown quite a few punches and kicks to the chasers and had gotten away with little
other than a black eye. "Stupid girl!" her mother had yelled, "What did you do? Start a fight with a gang member?" she
sensed the sarcasm, "A boy tried to steal my books", she lied. "Well keep them in your bag!" her mother yelled as she
shooed her away, "Go tend to your eye, I will not have you seen like that by my guests." her mother was not too fond of
her and her father was nowhere to be found after an incident between the governments army and the gangs. Her father was
part of the army, though she doubted he was still alive.

         Suddenly, she heard the whispers again. This time more clearly, and louder. Rays eyes widened as she tried to
make out the words they made audible to her. "ghunn-ghhrrriiide" they seemed to be struggling to make the sounds out.
She stared at herself in the mirror as she tried to make the sound into words; they were still like they had been for
the past two months; not understandable. 

         "I don't understand." she whispered as she looked into the mirror. "RUN! GET OUT!!" it screamed. She screamed
as a figure shown in the mirror soaked in blood. "GYAAAHHHHH-gmmffffff!" she slapped her hand over her mouth as she
realized her mother would most likely send her out of the house for disturbing the guests. "They are
coming...go...hide." It seemed to struggle as it made out the words. The figure soaked in blood lay on the floor now in
the mirror. It was a boy, a little older than her. He was dressed in black; his red hair covered his face as he lifted
himself up and scurried away in fear.

      "WHO'S COMING!?" she screamed after him as she held her hands to the surface of the mirror. "WHO!!?" but he was
already gone. "RAY!!!" screamed her mother. Ray flinched as her mother screamed her name, "shit!" she hit the mirror.
"Momma says we gonna go to the market with her friend, but you can't come cuz you yellin' too much ray...that's what
momma says." informed Rays little sister, Luna. "Okay, that's fine." said Ray, "You go have fun." Her sister skipped
away, "Okie-dokie!" 

         Ray sat alone in her bed thinking of what the boy had tried to tell her. "I'm supposed to go," she figured,
"might as well." she dumped out her books and packed a variety of things into her bag, "I might need a book," she shoved
the biggest one into the bag. she opened her window and looked around. Everything she needed was in her bag and she was
wearing her favorite jacket; the one that had been her dads from the army, but it was too small for him, so she wore it.
Suddenly a loud knocking started at the front door of the house. 

         "bangbangbang!" and then a "CRASH!" they had broken down the door, "Take them all!" yelled a man, and footsteps
started through the house. She stood with one foot out the window and one in the house, she shook as the footsteps got
closer to the door. shed never thought she would freeze like this in such a situation. The floor creaked and she looked
out the window and back to the door. The floor creaked under someone's footsteps and the knob began to turn.

CH.2 if i get more comments ill write it....
Link to this page: copy-paste
  digitalpunk — Page created: 11 November 2009  |  Last modified: 19 December 2009
Rate this page:
hannahboo says:   12 November 2009   845559  
omg what happens next!!!!!!!
please tell
hannahboo says:   12 November 2009   578089  
or write more pleaes
hannahboo says:   12 November 2009   808667  
UnnaturalBoy says:   13 November 2009   243892  
Mhmm nice start, but I'm no expert in suspense stories. Try to add some dark
imagery, and not narrating so... confronting. Put some subtle stuff into it, or maybe
have a creative narration :D, like catch-22.
digitalpunk says:   14 November 2009   668884  
hmmm, i dont get what you mean about the narration,  but ill try to add good
imagery^^ but the rason im not having her narrate is so the readers can at times know
things se doesnt and look at other characters view, but thanks.
digitalpunk says:   14 November 2009   545009  
*reason ...oops^^
‹i am Toria,here me roar!!!...rawr <3› says:   22 November 2009   234660  
i like it.
write more please.
digitalpunk says:   2 December 2009   732292  
next chapter coming soon as i fish my math test -.-
digitalpunk says :   3 December 2009   122636  
*finish. haha - fish
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