Saturday, 21 September 2013
03:06:16 AM (GMT)
Before you self-harm in anyway, you should probably know what you're getting into.
Before you make that first cut, please keep in mind that you will find the pain and
blood strangely addictive. You may think to yourself that you can control it, that
you wont let it get out of hand. You may think that you can just stick to a few,
small, shallow cuts here and there that won't be too deep and will heal easily. But
you're wrong. You can't control it, it's impossible to control. It controls you. It's
an addiction. The cuts will get deeper, they'll scar. They'll take weeks to months to
heal and years for the scars to actually fade. You'll find that soon, you depend on
it. You can't go more than a few days without cutting. You'll go crazy as your skin
itches and burns, your hands shake, your head pounds, your vision goes blurry as you
try to keep your mind off of it, as you try to hold back from giving in...but you
will. If you think you can limit the cuts to just one area of your body, think again.
It'll spread slowly but steadily, like a deadly virus. It'll spread as you run out of
skin, from your wrists to your arms, past your elbows, up to your shoulders and down
to your stomach, across your hips and waist, and soon will cover every inch of your
legs right down to your ankles. I hope you're prepared to withdraw from others and
live in a constant state of shame and guilt. Even if you have been the most honest
person to ever live, you will lie to your friends, family members, everyone around
you that you care about. You'll find yourself jerking back from the touch of someone,
as if their hands had been bathed in toxic burning poison. You'll be terrified that
they'll feel a cut or scar from beneath the fabric of your shirt or just that it
hurts too much to be touched. Be prepared to become your own worst enemy. You'll fear
yourself, your head, the urges that taunt you every minute of every day. You'll come
to fear the next time that you cut because you dont know how bad it'll be. Wait for
the 10 cuts to turn into 20 then 50 the 100. You'll be covered in scars and cuts.
Your entire life will revolve around your addiction. You'll constantly be thinking
about cutting, covering up your cuts, how you'll hide your blades, scissors, bobby
pins and other thing you use to destroy your body. And then...the first time you cut
too deep. The bleeding wont stop, you're gasping, shaking, panicking, fear takes over
you. You pray and hope the bleeding will stop. Youre purpose wasn't to die, you wont
ever go that deep again, right? Wrong. You'll go there again, and deeper. But don't
worry, you'll learn how to take care of your cuts so you wont have to take a trip to
the hospital every night. The better you get at treating your wounds, the worse they
become. You'll lie to yourself and try to justify it when you go to the pharmacy,
finding yourself spending 20, 30, 40 dollars on dressings, gauze, alchohol wipes, and
sterile strips. You'll tap your foot impatiently, hoping that no one stares at you
asking you why your buying these things...but at the same time you want someone to
ask so you know they care. Be prepared to spend even more money on a new wardrobe.
Long sleeved shirts, hoodies, long pants, boots, bracelets, the list goes on forever.
You'll keep scanning other people bodies for signs of self harm, hoping that there is
someone else out there that feels the same way you do. Hoping, praying that they'll
be like you. But that'll never happen. You'll see clean, uncut arms that'll make you
feel even worse than before. You'll do a lot of things alone, be prepared to kiss
your social life goodbye. You'll always be doing your laundry, always in private so
no one sees the blood stained towels and clothes. You'll spend hours scrubbing blood
off the bathroom floor, or off your keyboard. You wont be able to make it a day
without cutting. You'll carry an emergency kit in your binder. A key, a safety pin, a
needle, a paperclip, or even a pencil...everything around you will become a weapon.
It doesnt matter what it is, as long as it gives you that feeling that sends you
reeling. Next thing you know, your in the bathroom stall at school picking open an
old cut with a needle. Say goodbye to all the things you took for granted. Shorts,
sandals, tank tops, swimming in the summer, going to the beach. All of these will be
a far off memory. I hope you like itching and scratching nonstop. You will itch and
itch and itch so much it looks like you have a horrible flesh eating disease. You
will become an expert on your body as you carefully destroy it piece by piece. You
will dream of cutting, dream of getting caught. It will haunt you day and night.
Cutting will take over your life. It now has its hold over you, it controls you.
You'll hate yourself for making that first cut that sent you into this vicious never
ending cycle. You'll wish you never made that first cut. You'll wish you had read
something like this, or that someone would have told you. Put down the blade. Put
down the knife. Put down the needle, safety pin, or paperclip. Because you are so
much better than this.