Sunday, 13 January 2013
03:08:18 AM (GMT)
We all have those nights.
You know: the ones where you just can't shut your brain off?
All of the memories come flooding in, somehow enhanced tenfold by the silence and the
unnatural stillness brought on in the dark.
The thoughts aren't depressing but are accompanied by more of a melancholy feeling;
you know that the sadness is there but all you can experience is the numbness, as if
what happened in your past wasn't even you but someone much more distant.
I have to admit that I still struggle with things.
Finding a balance between being overwhelmed by the enormity of some situations and
remembering the insignificance of others is a challenge that often bests me.
Words have become my enemy to some degree...
What used to be a great outlet for emotion is turning into something that is picked
at and torn apart by my mind.
I guess if I realize that what I write will never be perfect then I can release
myself from the obsession but it always seems to linger at least a bit.
It all happens silently, which to me is the worst part.
These stories, these creations and fabrications are a combination of complete beauty
and fascinating horror. Whether it is real or not becomes hard to define. I assume
you could say that everything existing in the mind is real, regardless of the
perception of others.
I still think of suicide, and that is the most shameful thing I could ever admit. I
still feel the twitches and anger. I still see the visions of things that haunt the
very core of who I am. I still feel my eyes fill with tears over things that happened
and things that might never occur. . .
In the end, it is just another night.
I know somewhere out there is my next little ray of sunshine to brighten that
particular day, but if I am not ready to embrace it, it might just pass me by.
I am not sure whether I can get rid of the little quirky things that often hinder my
well-being. I am beginning to think that maybe it is just a part of who I am, and if
I can focus all of the energy (good and bad) into something constructive and
beneficial, perhaps it will not be a hinderance but a source of fuel for something
greater than myself.
It just feels strange to live so much of my life inside my head, almost in a fairy
tale of sorts.
I can spend hours in complete silence while exploring every corner of my imagination,
only to find myself completely unable to recall any of these fleeting thoughts and
All I know is that I can keep my head up. There are things in this life much more
important than myself and I really want to explore them.
At the end of the day, I really just want to make a difference in any way possible.
Regardless of where life takes me, I just want to be a positive part of the lives of
those around me.
Only time will tell, but I know I don't want to spend all of my time focusing on what
could have been and end up forgotten like so many others.
I have meaning in my life, and the most important being the one I wake up to every
morning and fall asleep next to every night. I'm proud to say she is my wife.
Not just my wife, but everything important to me.
I know it will all be okay, I just get distracted easily.
I needed this diary.
I needed these words to be written down and remembered. I am so tired of these
thoughts and phrases lingering in my brain.
I guess I just need to find these outlets.
Life can be overwhelming but it can also be amazing.
Sometimes you just have to keep on keepin' on.
If you keep on long enough, something beautiful might just stumble across your path,
and if it brings a smile to a face, even for a moment, wasn't it worth the wait?
I sure would like to believe so
Last edited: 13 January 2013