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This diary entry is written by Oz_The_Neko_Master. ( View all entries )
 
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JokesCategory: (general)
Thursday, 10 May 2012
11:36:30 PM (GMT)
Here are some jokes I found on the internet.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.  


Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at
the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just
staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down
here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.


and more!
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she
replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" 

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and
said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"











ABC's of ex girlfriends 
A 
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't
care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about
you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I
hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get
huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old
together and then DIE!! 

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before. 

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? 

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not
hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to
afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy
(you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip
the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to
call her that week and go see movies. 

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look
at her. 

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you
figure it out. 

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers
me favors. 

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim
have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I
hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. 

K
stands for Kill. 

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is
shared upon by both parties. 

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually
believe in love. 

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she? 

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word. 

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few
hundred bucks a month. 

Q 
is for Quitter. She couldn't last. 

R 
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. 

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T 
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also
tortured you with lies. 

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement. 

V 
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first
place. 

W 
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this. 

X 
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone. 

Y 
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you. 

Z 
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get
dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about
taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.  









Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in
a man's head. 

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..." 





A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. 

His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" 

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. 

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade." 



A young couple decided to wed. 

As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. 

Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. 

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." 

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" 

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid
that my fiance will be put off by them." 

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,
and always wear socks, even to bed." 

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. 

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. 

"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." 

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance
will not want to sleep in the same room with me." 

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head
for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the
bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed
your teeth." 

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed. 

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received,
he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite
well. 

That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband
wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.

Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes
his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" 

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!" 





A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your
Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her." 


The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two
grim-faced policemen at his door. 

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife." 

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great
news. Which do you want to hear first?" 

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your
wife's body in San Francisco Bay." 

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the
policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters
and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." 

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded. 

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
Last edited: 19 May 2012

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