Sunday, 10 April 2011
09:02:08 PM (GMT)
For the two people who read what I post on here. I write this because I forgot to
bring my note pad to church today.
I've been struggling and suffering a lot lately, ever since Amanda officially dropped
me. (no sympathy please) I now know why some theatrical people say "I'll never love
again!" because... well, right now that is how I feel. I made her perfect in my
heart, and I can't imagine looking at another girl without simply trying to find an
imitation of her. Through all of my highs and lows these past weeks I have tried to
be faithful to my prayer that God's will is done to a T. I know in my mind that He
has the greatest good set for us, and I ask that He not change a thing by my ignorant
request. He is a firm father, and can seem to be ungentle. I don't know what the
future has for me, for her, or for the nice guy she's now with. I try not to worry,
but I seem to have so little control over my own mind and my own nerves.
The things I keep saying over and over are "I'm sorry" and "I don't know". Janine
and one or two other people have seen how much I beat myself up over basically
everything. I see my stupid mistakes under a microscope and I guess since I can't
improve myself to avoid making them, the least I can do is sincerely apologize every
I'm very sorry if I ever created some illusion that I am a "spiritual" person or that
I am "Godly" or "holy". I screw up at least as much as anyone else, my faith
in God has much to be desired, and I have plenty of problems I can't seem to fix. I
feel as though I can never find what God's will is, and that if people knew what I
knew about myself, they'd not want to talk to me. And I have only ever written these
diary entries for Amanda in the first place, even though she hasn't read one in a
very long time. I simply accepted her made-up reasons not to, instead of what I now
see that I should have done. I am sorry.
I don't think there is a purpose to this entry. Please ignore my rambling. And
please don't write about how I'm a nice guy. If I were a nice guy, wouldn't you have
wanted to talk to me? Save your pep talks.
Yes, God's got a plan, I believe it. I just... don't see it yet. I don't know.