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This diary entry is written by SithWedgie. ( View all entries )
Previous entry: Graduation in category (general)

This weekCategory: (general)
Sunday, 10 April 2011
05:02:08 PM (GMT)
For the two people who read what I post on here.  I write this because I forgot to
bring my note pad to church today.

I've been struggling and suffering a lot lately, ever since Amanda officially dropped
me.  (no sympathy please) I now know why some theatrical people say "I'll never love
again!" because... well, right now that is how I feel.  I made her perfect in my
heart, and I can't imagine looking at another girl without simply trying to find an
imitation of her.  Through all of my highs and lows these past weeks I have tried to
be faithful to my prayer that God's will is done to a T.  I know in my mind that He
has the greatest good set for us, and I ask that He not change a thing by my ignorant
request.  He is a firm father, and can seem to be ungentle.  I don't know what the
future has for me, for her, or for the nice guy she's now with.  I try not to worry,
but I seem to have so little control over my own mind and my own nerves.  

The things I keep saying over and over are "I'm sorry" and "I don't know".  Janine
and one or two other people have seen how much I beat myself up over basically
everything.  I see my stupid mistakes under a microscope and I guess since I can't
improve myself to avoid making them, the least I can do is sincerely apologize every

I'm very sorry if I ever created some illusion that I am a "spiritual" person or that
I am "Godly" or "holy".  I screw up at least as much as anyone else, my faith
in God has much to be desired, and I have plenty of problems I can't seem to fix.  I
feel as though I can never find what God's will is, and that if people knew what I
knew about myself, they'd not want to talk to me.  And I have only ever written these
diary entries for Amanda in the first place, even though she hasn't read one in a
very long time.  I simply accepted her made-up reasons not to, instead of what I now
see that I should have done.  I am sorry.

I don't think there is a purpose to this entry.  Please ignore my rambling.  And
please don't write about how I'm a nice guy.  If I were a nice guy, wouldn't you have
wanted to talk to me?  Save your pep talks.  

Yes, God's got a plan, I believe it.  I just... don't see it yet.  I don't know.

Emmaxle says:   10 April 2011   437496  
'S Emma. Hope i'm one of the two. Love ya.
SithWedgie says:   10 April 2011   770385  

*hug* It would be nice to talk and catch up a little.  neh? 
Emmaxle says:   10 April 2011   971844  
Hm, maybe. ^^
Nunc says:   17 April 2011   928445  
Do you want to talk about this? :C
‹ı'ɯ.boıub.qɐɔʞ.ʇo.ʇɥǝ.sʇɐɹʇ› says :   7 May 2011   588963  
I would be the third person who reads what you post. Even though we
haven't talked in awhile..


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