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This diary entry is written by numsums. ( View all entries )

Issues.Category: (general)
Wednesday, 2 August 2017
04:26:01 PM (GMT)
I haven't written a diary entry on this site in years and I'm not entirely sure what
compelled me to log on and type away, but here we are.

Things are pretty complicated at the moment. A very specific statement, I know, but
it was worth stating - I think so anyway.
I'm currently being pulled in 50 different directions, trying to meet the
expectations and needs of others and somewhere along the line I seemed to have lost
sight of my own needs and desires. The pressures that I've been faced with have been
so severe that I've been forced to dabble with therapy, but it's not my style and I
backed out of it because I'm an idiot? I won't focus on the specific pressures I've
faced but to give you a general insight into it's severity...imagine having a
traumatic childhood and recovering lost memories of it, triggered by similar events
occurring in your adult life. It's a bit of a mental mess, greasy pickle, hobble
problem, take your pick but it is what it is. I suppose a simpler way of defining
this particular, but broad predicament would be to label it an 'identity crisis'. I'm
not one to generalise, as you must have already gathered. (Brits and our sarcasm,
can't say I'll ever get over it, sorry Yanks). 

I can't seem to decide who I want to be or who I really am. Am I open and friendly to
all whilst risking being chipped away at and betrayed? Or am I closed off, safe from
hurt but deep in the clutches of my own loneliness? It seems extreme to go for either
side, I've tried and tried to balance between the two but I always slip into one of
the extremes and then smack bang in the other one. It's a miserable way to live. I
realise how dramatic this all sounds but I really wanted to go for it with my
literary comeback.

I was always the introvert that people would have to invest quite a bit of time in to
get me to open up, but once that wall broke down I became more of an extrovert with
some introverted tendencies. It's hard to find people that can actually appreciate
both sides, in fact I believe I've only known one person who truly enjoyed both sides
of my warped personality. I feel like I've spent the entirety of my existence feeling
guilty for the head trips I've given people by alternating from being open one minute
to completely closed off immediately after. This has been especially problematic in
romantic relationships, which have all unsurprisingly been utter disasters. There are
more reasons for that but perhaps I'll save that for another juicy diary entry, if
this one doesn't end up giving me a bout of PTSD. 

If anyone happens to be reading this and wants to volunteer some advice or even a
snide comment about...whatever, so long as it's inventive, insightful or
entertaining, I welcome it. Have at my comments section below. Whilst I'm addressing
the internet's people, maybe you can also help me figure out what to do with my life
as it appears I'm having a mid-life crisis 20 years too soon.


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