Maxim"s Top Funniest Jokes pt 1 Login to Kupika  or  Create a new account 
 

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Maxim"s Top Funniest Jokes pt 1Category: (general)
Friday, 25 April 2014
07:25:46 PM (GMT)
100. 
Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, "Ever been picked up
by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."

 99.
 An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife
whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your
hearing aid."

 98. 
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at
his wife and said, "Your butt's getting huge. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue."
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he went
over to where his wife was working and measured her butt.
"I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a
little frisky. He made some advances toward her, but she completely brushed him off.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She replied, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one
little weenie?"

 97. 
Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by. One
of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows.
"That was a very nice thing to do," says the second man.
"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 25 years."

96.
 An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a
pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands
in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer
and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"

95. 
Q: What's the most successful pickup line ever?
A: "Does this smell like chloroform?"

94.
 A widow goes on her first date since her husband's death, and afterward the two end
up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black
panties.
"You can touch me anywhere else," she says, "but down there I'm still mourning."
"I figured as much," says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on
a black condom. "If you don't mind, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences."

93. 
A wild rabbit is captured and taken to a laboratory. While there he befriends a
rabbit who has spent his entire life at the nicotine research facility. One evening
the lab assistant forgets to lock the cage, and the wild rabbit suggests an escape.
"I'm not sure," says the lab rabbit. "This is the only home I know."
"Come on," insists the wild rabbit. "We'll get laid all night long."
The lab rabbit agrees, and they hop to a field where they each bonk 50 hottie
females.
As the sun begins to rise, the lab rabbit says, "I gotta get back to the lab."
"Why?" asks the wild rabbit. "Aren't you enjoying yourself?"
"Yeah, I'm having a great time, but I'm totally dying for a cigarette."

 92. 
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch
for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"


"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing
it." 

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?" 

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.


"What's it telling you now?" 

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any
panties…" 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then,
because I am wearing panties!" 

The man exclaims, "Damn—it must be broken
again. It's always running an hour fast!"

 91.
 One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the
butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top
pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said,
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided,
was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get
rid of the gardener and the poolman."

90. 
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Let's try it again. Soldier, do you
have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, sir!"



89.
 Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn't even get a second look from any of the girls on
the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any
advice for him."Dude, it's obvious," said the lifeguard. "You're wearing those gnarly
old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.
Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a
potato inside it. You'll have all the babes you can handle."
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo
and his potato, and it's not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once
more.
"For cryin' out loud," said Brad, "it's worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts
disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What's wrong
now?"
"Jeez, Brad!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

88. 
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a
hamburger. She gasped and gagged.
One Texan turned to the other and said "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm
gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands and
asked "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head "No."
He asked "Can ya breathe?"
Still gasping she again shook her head "No."
With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The
young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck
and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said "Ya know, it's amazin' -- that
hind-lick maneuver always works!"

87. 
One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, "My
penis died."
Deciding to humor him, the girl says "Oh, poor baby. I'm sorry to hear that."
Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls
with his frank and beans hanging out.
"Mr. Smith!" she cries. "I thought you said your penis had died!"
"It did. Today's the viewing."

86. 
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two
talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hi, we're prostitutes.
Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two
male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with
mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to
recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in
with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
"Hi, we're prostitutes," say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers
are answered!"

 85.
 A New York family wants to put Grandpa in a nursing home, but all the city's
facilities are full. So they decide to put him in a highly touted home in
Mississippi. After a few days, they call him.
"How do you like it so far?" the grandson asks.
"It's wonderful," he says. "Let me tell you about the friendly residents here.
"There's a musician who hasn't played the violin in 30 years, but everyone still
calls him Maestro.
"There's a physician here who hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years, and they still
call him Doc.
"And me, I haven't had sex for over 20 years, yet everybody still calls me the
Fucking Yankee."

 84. 
Q: What is the difference between a waitress who works in a strip club and an actual
stripper?
A: About two weeks.

83.
 A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length
mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now
complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and
rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she
asks.
"They'll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts
every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

82. 
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes
in for an interview.
"Looking at your résumé, I can see that you're more than qualified," says the
interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at
customers, so we can't hire you."
"But wait," says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking."
"Then show me," replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all
different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He
pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great you stopped winking," says the interviewer, "but we can't have our
salesmen womanizing all over the country."
"What do you mean?" asks the man. "I'm happily married."
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that," sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked
for aspirin?"

81. 
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the
slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't
believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you
doing here?"
"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for
$1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does
anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy
$1,200."

80. 
A blonde is standing in an elevator with a few other people when a man wearing a
black suit steps on. It's evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can
be seen on the shoulders of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and after door closes someone says, "Someone
should really give that guy some Head & Shoulders."
The blonde then responds, "Yeah… Hey, how do you give shoulders?"



79. One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the
mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.
"We got her," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the
right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He
grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, "I'm
looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you found her." Then
she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that
position first?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the hooker, "I just thought you
might like to open those beers first."

78.
 A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms—Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his
new purchase.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks. "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies. "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold, of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver?"
"Why silver?" asks the man. 

"Well, it would be nice if you came second for a
change."

77.
 A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.


The pharmacist says, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explains that she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes
get big and he says, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against
the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad
things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with
the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, "Ohhhh. Well,
now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

76. 
Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly
gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped
hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."
Saint Peter says, "Enter."
The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of
people."
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless
people get cost-effective health care."
Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for three days.
After that, you can go to hell."

75. 
Q: Why did Ron Artest leave the basketball game early?
A: He wanted to beat the crowd.

74.
 A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn,
the boy asks, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that's nothing."
The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the
boy repeats his question.
"That's the elephant’s trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing down there."
The father says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."
"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Well son, here's the truth.  I've really
spoiled that woman."

 73.
 A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments
miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical
company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are
in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to
the engine company that brings them out safely!"
The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a
volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives
straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old
timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret
formulas.
The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing
we're going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck."

72.
 A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what
boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the
boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I
charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why
aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a cab driver, and the
fare back to town is $25."

71.
 A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman
sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure
he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it
between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he’s seeing
what he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently
wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three
times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your
legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?"
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you, sir," she replies. "I have a rare condition such
that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"


The woman looks at him with a coy smile and whispers, "Pepper."

 70.
 A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass
and pours it down the back of her skirt. The bartender looks on in amazement as she
pours another glass, and again tips it down the back of her skirt.
His curiosity piqued, the bartender quickly inquires, "Lady, why are you pouring your
drinks down your skirt?"
To which the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the only asshole
I'm sharing it with!"
Last edited: 25 April 2014

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