Sunday, 23 January 2011
03:11:15 PM (GMT)
i also found quite hilarious;
"Children. They’re like little fender benders that don’t go away and poop a lot.
Luckily for me I’m a safe driver and wear about thirty seat belts… if you catch
my drift. Unfortunately not everyone “drives” safely. In fact, I recently
discovered that some people (yes, people) drive recklessly on purpose with the hopes
of having an accident.
Now I understand I can’t stop the world from procreating. It’s not like Uncle
Spencer is delusional. But we can at least be civilized about it. If you have friends
that have decided to crank out a kid and ruin their lives and those of everyone in
their immediate vicinity I encourage you to generate a list of guidelines for them to
follow. Here’s a sampling of the eighty-three simple to follow guidelines I
presented to those "people":
1. You promise to always love me more than the baby.
2. Once a month I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.
3. That may involve the baby falling from a two story window and me heroically
4. No breastfeeding in front of me.
5. Forget about 4, it’s cool.
10. It’s middle name must be Spencer.
14. said person has to lose the baby weight by bikini season.
17. If I’m hungry you have to feed me first.
25. Never ask me to babysit.
25a. All babysitters you use must be female, hot, and of age.
32. As tempting as it might be, you’re forbidden from using a 19th century
president’s last name as the baby’s first name.
34. You cannot use it as an excuse to not do something cool with me.
38. You can only talk about the baby 3% of time.
39. For every picture you show me of the baby I get to show you a picture of me
42. When it’s of age, I get to have the “sex talk” with it.
45. The baby must wear a suit once a week.
46. The baby must call me dad.
50. I get to take it trick or treating if I want.
50a. While trick or treating, the baby must dress as a lil’ version of what I’m
55. It’s first word must be, “Spencer.”
59. It has to like me more than Wyatt.
62. Me, Nick, and Wyatt get to re-enact the movie, “Three Men and a Baby” for a
65. You must introduce me to hot single moms.
66. If it ever has a hot teacher, I get to bring it to parent teacher conferences.
69. Sixty nine. Always funny.
72. I get to bring it to look at colleges.
76. If it throws up on me, you owe me $1,000.
83. … and if all 5 circumstances involving the baby and the strip club should come
to pass, I take no responsibility for any of it, because it is your fault for having
the baby in the first place."
and yes, him and his friend wyatt made this up. personally i hate wyatt.
anybody else notice the missing numbers? can he not count?