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This diary entry is written by ‹<3OurGODisLOVE!!<3›. ( View all entries )
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i dont know what to do anymoreCategory: :/
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
12:31:38 PM (GMT)
Soooo my family fights..... alot. And when i mean alot i mean every single day. It
really stresses me out, it stresses my little sister out to. But somehow it just wont
get better. Things have been getting worse the last couple of weeks. About a month
ago i brought alcohol to school (yeah i know it was stupid). I recently figured out
why i did it, before i had no idea why i had done it because im not that bad of a
kid. I found out that when i brought the alcohol it gave me a rush, a rush that i
havent felt in a long long time, i liked the feeling. It was a rush of excitment that
i had to have more of. It also made me feel happy to make my friends happy, i thought
this would be a great experience to share when we get older.. So the next day i
brought it again, and then i was planning on bringing it again 2 days later until i
got caught. My dad was furious, he started calling me his delinquent daughter. He
started talking to my step mom about how he needs to lock all the doors and put
alarms just incase she decides the sneak out at night, and maybe we should take her
to jail for a day to see how it feels to be a crimiinal, and we should talk about
sending her to military school where the bad kids go. I felt horrible, not only did
my dad practically hate me but now my friends hated me to because i got them into
trouble. My best friend still doesnt talk to me i dont know whne she will. Then a
about a week after that happend my sister Alisa stole money from my dads drawer. He
asked who took it and of course she lied then 5 minutes later while my dad was
outside the money mysteriously returned back to its spot, not all of it but most of
it. My dad asked her why she did it and she said because it gave her something to
look forward to, the same reason i did what i did. Almost a year ago i told my dad i
needed to go to a councelor, and he still hasnt gotten one to this day. I mean you
would think after taking alcohol to school and my sister stealing money would tell
him we need one, but i guess its not important enought to him. So a week after Alisa
stole the first time she stole again, the first time she stole about 80$ the second
time she stole almost 200$. She got a spanking, the first time she got her tv, phone,
and ipod taken away. Then got those things back a couple days later. The second time
i dont even think she got her tv taken away or anything. Just a spanking. So one day
i went up to my dad and asked him "why she was barely getting in trouble. I know i
got in a lot more trouble like at school and stuff but she stole money not once but
twice! So she should get in more trouble then she was getting in". And he told me
"yeah but its basicaally the same thing as what you did". And i said "well if its the
same thing then why isnt she getting in more trouble". He said "ashlea dont worry
about your sister, yes she stole money from me but she used some of the money to buy
us all bracelets so her heart was in the right place, her heart is always in the
right place yours wasnt. You brought alcogol to school you stole it from us and you
gave it to minors, these kids could have died because of you, there parents could
have pressed charges because of you, you were stupid enough to bring it so you need
to face the consequences" Those consequences were No phone(he gave my phone away), No
tv, No computer(i have to sneak on here and delete everything cuz he checks
everyday), and No going to friends houses or anything. But alisa can do all of that.
She rubs it in my face all the time that she can do all of that stuff but i cant. Ill
be watching tv in the livingroom and she says " eww i dont want to watch this" and i
say " then go watch tv in your own room" she says " why dont you?" and i say " you
know i dont have a tv i cant" she says " oh its not my fault u took alcohol to school
and got ur tv taken away " then she smiles. My dad loves Alisa, and he doesnt
hesitate to show it.  Alisa aggrivates me on purpose so i will get in trouble, she
knows exactly how to do it. And when she doesnt stop i start to go crazy like
literaly i goo crazy if she doesnt stop and she knows that so she keeps doing it, im
very unpatient so if she doesnt stop i have to make her stop. So i yell at her and
tell her to shut up that doesnt work, i teller her to go to her room(because im in
charge), she says no your not the boss of me, i grab her by her arms and make her go
upstairs and shes screaming bloody murder because im hurting her but im barely doing
anything to her, i make her sit on her bed and i try to leave she sits there and
tells me how much of a mean sister i am and how i cause everyone to be mad and i ruin
everything and how she hates me so much, then as soon as im about to leave she says
the three words that makes me hate her back which is " IM TELING DADDY!" and she
smiles grabs her phone and dials the number, next thing i know im getting a call from
my dad saying all these made up things that i apparently did for example like this:
Dad: "Why are you bullying alisa? Alisa says you were hitting and pinching and making
her go to her room for no reason" Ash: Nooo? I never did any of that besides make her
go to her room because she kept aggravating me after i asked her to stop many time"
Dad: "Well thats not what alisa said she said you started pinching her and hitting
her just because she wouldnt stop humming, that is uncalled for i dont care what she
doesn you dont hit your sister do you hear me?" Ash: "yes sir" Dad:" Well im going to
go now you girls better stop fighting or you can go to bed early" Ash: "ohh daddy,
can you tell alisa to listen to me because im the baby sitter and she wont listen to
me" Dad:"yeah suree i gotta go bye" Every single time alisa does that she
exagurates,and adds in all these things that i didnt do she makes it seem like shes
the good girl and im just doing all this for no reason and im the bad girl. He's
always seen me as the bad kid always, and still does, and alisa trys to make it seem
like im bullying her and that im trying to make her do stuff but im not and i dont.
But thats how my dad see's me. He always says to Alisa dont let ashlea bully you into
doing stuff you dont want to do. If anyone bully's anyone here its alisa bullying me.
I mean she hits me all the time but i dont tell on her because im matture enough to
handle it on my own. I mean seriously she acts like a little 2 year old and she is
12. She tells on me for every little thing i do because she knows my dad will believe
her and not me and i will end up getting in trouble not her. And when i try to tell
my dad about how she hurts my feelings all the time he sits there and trys to tell me
that i shouldnt feel that way, there is no reason to feel that way and then gives
reasons why. Hes basically saying your imagining these feelings you have, there not
real. So im going crazy. I always take into condieration that maybe my disliking my
dad so much makes me see things different then what they seem so for a while i think
to myself you shouldnt feel that way that maybe he is a good guy afterall, untill he
does the same things again and then i feel like maybe im not crazy afterall and then
i try to talk to my dad again and he says the same thing over, its useless to tell
him anything and he grounds me because i wont talk to him. Because he wont listen. He
thinks alisa is this perfect little angel who deserves more of his attention because
she is exactly like him. And im exactly like my mom so he can control me and
minipulate me better then anyone else and he does it whenever he feels like it. When
my ex boy friend tyler used to come over he used to ask me why my dad was so
controling like he acted like he could do anything because he had control over
everyone. Even he saw it. He used to do the same things to my mom as he does to me
now and she told me that by the time she left him she felt absolutly crazy like she
was going insane because he told her she was. He even told me she was, he told me if
your mom ever tries to leave the house and take you guys with her then call me right
away because shes been having problems she hasnt been thinking straight. This has
been going on for 4 years now. All this fighting and hating, it hasnt gotten better
its gotten worse. So how am i supposed to believe it will get better when after all
these years its only gotten worse? I honestly believe that it wont get better and
that i will have to deal with this for 4-5 more years of my life before i get out of
here. I truely believe that nothing i do will help because ive tried everything and
nothing i do will solve this so i dont even bother trying anymore i just deal with it
every day. Its so stressful. I dont go through one day without getting yelled at or
getting in trouble or in fights with anyone. Because nothing i ever do is right and i
get in trouble for it. I mean i am thanful and i appreciate that my dad can provide
shelter, food, clothes, and all that for us but he cant provide for us emotionally,
our mom can but i only see her 4 times a year im only going to see her once this
summer for about 4 days or so  we dont get to talk on the phone as much as i would
like to, i miss her ALOT. I wish more then anything that she could be here. I wish i
could wake up every morning and see her, i wish i could see her smile everyday, i
wish i could wake up in the middle of the night scared, or sad and go run into her
arms and hug her as she tells me its okay and she loves me and that she will see me
in the morning. But it wont happen :/, it will never happen.  Sorry its so long it
just felt like getting that off my chest hopefully someone will read it besides
sarah. Byyye everyonee.

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