Wednesday, 4 July 2007
04:39:48 AM (GMT)
Tomorrow was going to be the first time I went back to school since Jonathans death.
On Friday I went to visit him, nothing changed. He was still dead and I was still
breathing but dead inside at the same time.
I & Jonathan were together since he was 15 and I was 14.
Our relationship was beyond the normal, Although we were underage, we still never
considered sex as a part of our relationship, so we never did have sex.
We were past that, we wanted to die together as virgins, pure innocent souls, so we
could spend eternity together.
What made is worse was that Jonathan took his life on my 16th birthday.
It was planned to be on that day, he wanted to wait until I was 16 so we could both
take our lives.
To tell you the truth, the rest of the day before it happened, was something i would
never forget him for.
We both got piercings, mine on my belly button and his on his lip.
Then we got matching tattoos, mine on my lower back and his on the back of his neck.
They said:"Die with me!". This was something that Jonathan asked me, months before I
Rules are made to be broken & Promises kept,
but I followed the rules & broke my promise to Jonathan.
I followed the rules of love but didn't stick to it to the end,
in which the promise was broken.
I doubt I will ever love another, like I loved Jonathan.
I doubt I will ever be forgiven for leaving him to die alone.
I doubt I will ever feel love again.
My father rarely spoke to me since, he was worried that he would say something that
would push me over the edge. He never liked Jonathan, he thought Jonathan was the
type of boy that changed seduced teenage girls & had a way of manipulating teenage
Like hell he did, he made me love him, he made me want to die for him, he made me
want to be with him.
But obviously that wasn't enough.
I finally was going back to school; I had at least one friend that I knew would be
waiting for me there, Jessica.
She constantly called my house phone and my cell, over these past few months, trying
to talk to me.
I was never in the mood to talk to anyone only Jonathan, but he wasn't here anymore,
so I guess Jessica my alternative.
Although Jessica was like my best friend, I could never talk to her about the serious
stuff. You know, Death, Commitment or anything to do with Diseases and dying.
Let's just say Jessica is the opposite to me,
Hyper, Happy & Not serious about anything!
I had been laying on my bed for a couple of hours now, in the same room that Jonathan
shot himself, my bedroom.
My dad suggest we move, but I didn't want to leave New Jersey as well as Jonathan.
I can be so stubborn sometimes, but I can't run from my past.
I got up and walked to my closet and got out my catholic school girl uniform. My
pleated blue and green checked skirt with red lines, with matching tie and white
skirt. I thought this uniform was degrading enough as it is but to top it of was the
knee high white stockings and the black silver buckled shoes with at 2 inches on the
I looked like on of those school girls in an amateur porn movie bending over from
some pedophile male teacher trying to get a better grade.
Yes, I have quite an imagination for a girl of 16 who has never had sex and spends
most of my time in my room replaying the memory of my deceased boyfriend's suicide.
I put my uniform at the side of my table and walked back to my bed, this time not
lying back on it but sitting on the floor next to it.
I reached underneath my bed and pulled out a wooden box. Inside this wooden box was
the two guns, the one Jonathan used still had blood on the end of it and mine was
I have no idea why I keep them, the police searched for Jonathans one all over my
house but I took it with me, I don't know why.
Then I put both guns in a wooden box when the police stopped searching for the
My father had no idea that I had them and I wasn't planning to him that I did.
I figured, if I told him he would take them away and think I was going to use one
like I intended to before.
In a way he would be right, I did actually think I would use one. I thought about
just killing myself so many times, just to stop the pain and be with Jonathan, like I
was suppose to but something still holds me back.
I heard a knock on my door and I quickly shoved the wooden box back under my bed and
sat on the end of my bed.
"Can I come in, honey?" My dad asked pushing the door open slightly and looking into
My room was plain dark blue, there was nothing interesting in it apart from the
picture of Me & Jonathan on the table next to my bed.
My white carpet had been removed months ago because stains of Jonathan's blood were
embedded in the roots, which left my room with a brown wooden floor boards.
"Come in, Dad," I said crossing my legs on my bed.
My dad pushed my door fully open, walked towards me and sat on my bed next to me.
"Are you ready to go back to school, Melissa?" He asked putting his arm around me.
"Yes Dad," I said looking down at the floor.
"You know, you can always wait until next week to.."
"No dad it's fine, I have to face it sometime, so I might as well go tomorrow!" I
said interrupting him.
"Ok," My dad said as he stared at me.
"You know, your just like your mother, so determined to move on with your life.....I
wish she was here to see how much you've grown," He said as he wiped his tear away
and pushed my hair away from my face.
I smiled, "You miss her, don't you dad?"
"Yeah honey, I do, but she's in a better place now, looking down on us," He said
trying to hold back his tears.
"I miss her too," I said hugging him.
My dad was not so in touch with his feelings but when it came to mom, he'd always
shed a tear.
My mom died when I was 12, she died in a car crash. I started smoking because her
death and haven't stopped since. I would never show my dad how much mom's death was
affecting me, but I couldn't help but show how much Jonathans death meant to me.
I mean it was different, Mom's death was not my fault, it was an accident but
Jonathans death was my fault I let him die, I couldn't told him I had second thoughts
about our plan, but I didn't I just let him shoot himself.
"I'm going to leave you to get some rest, you have to get up early tomorrow," My dad
said standing up and heading to my door.
"Ok dad, night!" I said as I stood up to stretch.
"Good Night, honey," He said as he left closing my door behind him.
I lay back on my bed and stared out my window. I could see the moon light hitting my
window and spreading across my room
I let a tear fall down my face and looked towards the picture on my table near my
"Jonathan, I miss you," I whispered.