Sunday, 22 April 2018
05:24:47 PM (GMT)
Hi (whoever you are),
I'm feeling a little suicidal today. I know deep down I probably wouldn't actually
follow through, but today has been harder than most. It's been a pretty hard year all
together actually. And I thought writing a post on a dead site might help a little.
I turned 23 in January and I know this sounds stupid, but I feel old. I think
it may be because I've been battling depression my whole life and each year just
wears me out. It's exhausting to always been sad but pretend like you're this super
positive person to everyone else. I think I do that because I don't want anyone to
ever feel the way I do, so I do my best to put everyone in a good mood.
February came and my grandfather passed away. And I'm still torn on how to feel about
this, because I know he was a horrible man, but he was a great grandfather to us
kids. I don't live anywhere near the rest of my family anymore, so all my memories
are based on when I was a young child, but he was always so loving and caring to us.
It's hard to believe the things he's done to my own father. I don't know, sometimes
it just feels like the only time I see family nowadays, is at a funeral. Maybe that's
just how it goes, I guess.
Then, in early March, a really dear friend of mine committed suicide. Holy shit did
that hurt. I've dealt with my mom's suicide attempts in the past, or her telling me
how all she wanted to do was kill herself every time she was drunk. But to have a
friend, who you had no idea felt this way, suddenly take their own life away hurt in
ways I've never hurt before. And I know that right there should deter me from wanting
to kill myself, but depression always wins. Man, I sound pathetic ha.
Anyways, a couple weeks ago, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. It was
completely out of the blue. He just wasn't in love with me anymore, and that sucked.
I mean, we'd been best friends since the 6th grade. We were planning on buying a
house and planning out our future, and just all of a sudden he didn't love me
anymore? I just don't get it. To me, everything seemed perfect and I think that's why
this hurts so fucking much. Not only did I lose him, I lost his whole family that had
become my own. Of course they said I'll always been considered family, but I mean, we
all know how that works out.
I don't know, as i type this out it all seems a little childish. But I'm also not the
greatest at conveying my emotions. But let me tell you, my heart fucking hearts and
there's just this little voice in my head telling me it could all go away. I try to
keep telling myself "It's going to get better, this is only temporary", but it just
takes so long and I'm so tired of waiting for it to "get better". Y'know? I know
there are resources out there for people like me, but doctors cost money, psych wards
cost money, medication costs money. Like I said before, I don't have any family here
either other than an Aunt/Uncle, but we're the type of family that isn't really that
close. So maybe I'm just feeling lonely. Maybe I'm extra emotional today because I
had to finish moving all my crap out of my old place. Or maybe I'm just crazy.
Either way, thank you for listening to some sad, lonely girl complain about a life
that really isn't that bad.
Last edited: 22 April 2018