Tuesday, 24 July 2012
07:54:35 AM (GMT)
There is only one person that is truly going to understand this entry, and she is
asleep next to me.
I got what I asked for.
The voices, the fucked up thoughts, the ripping apart of everything I think I am.
Sometimes I can't function.
It honestly feels like two separate "me's" are in a constant battle with each other.
Following every event in my life, even the mundane, I get an onslaught of emotions,
thoughts, and pictures.
Voices in my head saying one thing, then screaming the opposite, then repeating the
process in an always-escalating shouting match.
I find myself hating the people I have always loved, being dragged away from what I
have held on to by some unseen force.
I get the violent thoughts that can't be sent from my mind.
It gets to the point where I don't want to live..
I just want to end it all, start over again.
Hit the proverbial reset button on the great wheel in the sky.
It's at that point I realize something.
I'm not the only one.
After all, this is what I asked for.
This is what I wanted.
I wanted to know her pain.
I wanted to know exactly how she has felt her entire life, or at least some portion
of that pain.
It makes me realize how lucky I am, that she even made it out at all.
I know now what true strength is.
It isn't being able to lift large amounts of weight.
It isn't pretending everything is okay when it isn't.
It isn't going through hell and then staying locked away in your own mind.
Strength is knowing how much you have gone through, living through problems every day
that most people couldn't imagine...
And still having the backbone to face them, and live with them long enough to still
be the best friend you can be.
These things still fuck with me.
I'm still nowhere close to what I would consider "strong"...
But now that I can acknowledge it, I have the means to become stronger, it's just a
matter of whether I'll sit here and drive myself crazy.
Or get up and get on with my life.
Hopefully it will be the latter.
All I know now is that I am still the luckiest guy in the world.
and I won't take for granted what I have been given.
I have been given everything I have asked for, and it's time to give back.
Starting with this beautiful, strong, amazing woman I have been blessed enough to
have lying next to me...
I hope this good morning kiss is greeted with a smile