Wednesday, 5 October 2011
05:10:49 PM (GMT)
Same old story.
Without her I turn into this depressed, angry, on-edge individual.
I guess I should just accept it.
I don't much like people anymore.
I get along with my friends.
I tolerate them.
I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY KNOW WHO I AM
My family is okay most of the time.
Now, they are starting to really piss me off.
NO, I HAVEN'T GOT A JOB YET
AND NO, I PROBABLY WON'T, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT
AND NO, I AM NOT FUCKING CUTTING MY HAIR TO INCREASE MY CHANCES OF GETTING ONE
I AM GROWING IT OUT SO I CAN DONATE IT
IF I WANTED IT SHORT OR GAVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE
LET IT GROW OUT FOR 10 MONTHS
I don't want money.
I don't need it to be happy.
Having a job would only make me feel like a fucking puppet to whatever dumbass I have
to take orders from.
There is one thing I would like to learn.
I would like to learn more about farming, to occupy my time.
I plan on owning a farm when I get older, so I want to start now.
I think it's funny that my family has owned farms for at least ten fucking
generations, yet they don't want me to learn.
They won't let me do hay, I have asthma.
I'm not in good enough shape to help anything else.
I can't even learn how to drive a tractor.
They don't even ask if I would like to learn anything or help out.
I guess I'll have to do it on my own.
Yeah, I realize I need money.
Gas doesn't grow on trees.
I know I could probably go out and get a job at fast food tomorrow.
I could also cut a hole into my skull at any moment, but that doesn't mean I am going
to do it.
I feel like I am waiting for someone to say something to me.
I feel like I have been waiting all my life for the wrong person to make the wrong
I want to cave their head in.
I have to shut up now.
I have to stop this thinking.
It only makes things worse.
I'll be okay.
My friends only seem to call when they want to get drunk or high.
They only call late at night or when it is inconvenient to me.
They make stupid decisions.
For whatever fucked up reason, they think I would like going to bars, going to
strangers houses, going to a strip club, drinking in public then driving, doing
hallucinogenic drugs in an unfamiliar location.
WHEN THE FUCK HAVE I EVER BEEN THAT PERSON?
I don't mind drinking, with my friends, when I feel like it.
I don't mind experimenting in a comfortable environment.
Why the fuck would I go to a strip club?
I have a girlfriend, she is the best, most beautiful girl in the world.
But yeah, I totally want to go see trashy women dance around naked, then empty my
wallet just so I can see their boobs up close.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT
Men are so fucking childish.
We are born naked.
That's the way we look.
Get the fuck over it, you childish little boys, getting erections every time a girl
wears slutty clothes.
Oh and yeah, I totally want to go to a bar.
I can't wait to buy two drinks for the same price as a twelve pack anywhere else.
I can't wait to get shitfaced with a room full of people I've never met before.
I can't wait to get in my car and have to drive home, knowing cops wait just down the
road for people to leave there.
THAT SOUNDS AWESOME!
I need new friends.
I need to get the fuck out of this town.
Sure, they were cool during high school.
Tom will always be my friend, even though he can be a bit immature at times.
Tyler will too, but I don't know how much we will hang out.
People that cheat just annoy me.
Okay, so your girlfriend leaves to go back to Virginia, and you have like 3 different
girls while she is gone.
Then you get back with her, get stuck up her ass, and move to Florida with her.
Then she cheats on you.
And you are just all tore up about it.
I guess you forgot that it didn't seem to matter to you.
Now you all are back together and everything is just perfect.
Trust doesn't just magically reappear.
I will never be that kind of person, ever.
I will never lie to Jesse.
I will never cheat on Jesse.
I have her trust.
She has mine.
I will never do anything to lose it.
I hope she never will either.
I know she won't.
I trust her.
I am just so fed up with this town, this family, these people that surround me.
How can so many people be so selfish, idiotic, stupid, narrow minded, ignorant, and
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD PEOPLE?
They still exist, but they shouldn't be this hard to find.
I have Jesse, so I don't give a shit.
It's just these days, they always remind me how fucked up the world is, and how
little I can do about it.
I just hope I can see her tomorrow.
Maybe I'll get a few rays of sunshine in my life, enough to last until I can see her
It never seems to be enough.
The darkness is waiting, just out of sight, to creep into my life.
I am twitching again.
Now my eye, too.
It's just another day.
I'll be alright.
Last edited: 5 October 2011