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What is wrong with me?Category: (general)
Thursday, 1 September 2011
11:20:02 PM (GMT)
I am honestly not sure how to answer that question.
I think I am ok, but sometimes I have my doubts.
Sure, everyone cares about people they love, and worry, but I would no longer
classify this as worrying.
I would classify it as losing my fucking mind.
My heart hasn't beat at a normal rate since she left my company.
Every time she leaves, my mind refuses to stay on any topic other than "is she ok"
for longer than two seconds.
I can't breathe, my nerves are on edge, my muscles twitch in an unnatural way.
Sounds like seperation anxiety to me, but I am a 21 year old man, why can my brain
not function normally?
Why do I have to imagine her getting beaten, punched, thrown around.
Why do I see her getting raped?
Why do I think about her finding another guy, a charming, good looking young man to
run away with?
Why do I see her doing something to herself?
Why do I see her car exploding in to flames, or getting jack-knifed by a semi?
Why do I think of the most recent moment we spent together and wonder if it was our
last?
She wanted to kiss me on the lips, but I kissed her on the forehead instead.
Damn.
Why do I imagine her slipping into old habits, shooting up, drinking, getting pulled
over with drugs?
I NEED THIS TO FUCKING STOP.
NOW!!!!!!
I trust her.
I love her.
I promised her I would try not to freak out, yet here I lay.
If I wasn't typing right now, I would drink.
I would cut.
I would find some pills.
I would do anything to stop the images, the endless assault of small violent movies.
Even though I worry that she will leave me, I do try my best to trust her.
I hate to say it, because I know how hard it is for her to trust me, but I sometimes
wonder if I really trust her...
I am a fucking idiot.
Why would I even think that?
She loves me.
I see it in her eyes.
I feel it.
Yet all I think about is the worst possible situation.
Maybe getting off of antidepressants was not such a good decision.
I am far worse now than when I ever started them, and it is starting to really affect
me. 
I can't live like this.
I honestly can't.
She deserves better, she deserves to have a man that will give her the space she
needs, the freedom.
She deserves someone much more handsome, skinny, smart, funny, care-free, loving.
She deserves far better than what I can give her.
I have a fucked up mind.
I honestly contemplate breaking up with the one person I love simply because I feel
like she could be with someone better.
I don't want to hold her back. 
I don't want to be the guy that paces back and forth in his room, brooding over
everything, contemplating driving as long as it takes to find her.
She deserves better.
Not only do I think she could do better, I am deeply concerned about the effect on
me.
I'm not sure how many of these nights it would take to induce a heart attack, or
serious asthma attack, but it honestly feels like I am dying slowly.
If not from those causes, then from something stupid I would do while myself decides
to go on vacation from my body.
I am running out of words to say, but I am so fucking scared to stop typing.
If I stop moving my fingers, I think.
And I don't want that.
I can't do it.
Typing.
Typing.
Typing.
Typing.
Typing.
Typing.
Typing.
Typing.
Typing.
Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.Typing.



I 

HAVE


TO


STOP


THIS


I can't breathe.
What the fuck....
I have to get my shit together.
SOON.
She loves me.
She loves me.
She loves me.
She loves me.
SHE LOVES ME
SHE LOVES ME
SHE LOVES ME
SHE LOVES ME 
SHE LOVES ME
SHE LOVES ME 
SHE LOVES ME
SHE LOVES ME
SHE LOVES









me.





I need to relax.
I know she loves me.
I know she trusts me.
I would never break up with her.
Even if it kills me.
but if anything happens to her.
I might kill somebody.
I don't want that.
I am not a violent person at all.
but sometimes I am not myself.
This is one of those moments.
I am ok.
I am ok.
I am ok.
I am ok.
I am perfectly fine.
PERFECTLY FINE.
I can find something to do to occupy my time, then before I know it, I will get to
see her.
And if not see her, at least talk to her.
KNOW SHE LOVES ME
KNOW SHE IS SAFE
and those are the only moments of peace I can find anymore.
I am sure of that.
This is how it is always going to be. 
There is honestly nothing I can do to stop it.
Can I honestly live like this?
I guess I have to find out, because I can't live without her.
So I suppose the only options are to live with the pain, to drive myself insane every
night, and have the woman of my dreams...







or die.








What is wrong with me?

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