Friday, 28 August 2009
06:52:07 PM (GMT)
Lesbians are useless to red-blooded American males. They can please each other using
toys, mouths, fingers and fists, but throw in a guy and suddenly they become frigid.
I went to one the other day and asked if she would like to make the beast with two
backs. She wasn't up on her Shakespeare, so I started to pantomime my request by dry
humping a cardboard cutout of Ray Romano (we were at Blockbuster).
"But you have a penis," she said, pointing down at my crotch like it was covered in
"Listen lesbian, who gives a shit?" I shook my head. "If you want, I'll paint my dick
red and you can pretend it's a strap-on."
She reached out and grabbed a customer. "I only fuck these."
I looked the intruder up and down. "You only fuck old black women?"
The lesbian shoved her to the ground. "No, just women. Period."
I was incredulous. "You think she could eat you out better than me?!?!"
The shopper started scurrying away on her hands and knees. The lesbian picked her up
using her lesbian super strength and held her over her head. "You're damn straight. I
bet this old broad could make my pussy sing."
I grabbed the old woman out of her hands and held her over my head. I didn't have
super strength—just testosterone and adrenaline. "No fucking way is this granny
better. No fucking way.
By this time, the manager had come over and tried to get me to put the old woman
"Goddamn lesbians!" I started shaking the old woman. Her change began hitting the
floor along with a copy of "Out to Sea" that she planned on buying. "Just let me bang
"NEVER!" The lesbian formed a fist and thrust it into a shelf full of dvds, flipping
it end over end until it flew through the window.
"Fine. If that's how you want it!"
I heaved the old woman into the lesbian, knocking her to the ground. The manager
quickly seized my arm.
I screamed, "lesbian sympathizer!" and threw him into the new releases.
Now the whole store was full of commotion as people started picking sides. I drew a
line on the ground from "Roadhouse" to "Zorba the Greek."
Six men and two women crossed the line. They filed behind me like soldiers preparing
On the lesbian's side, the manager, as well as two female customers and two gay
checkout boys made their way over.
"Admit your error," I bellowed, "repent, and you shall be saved."
"Meaning?" The lesbian snarled.
"Meaning, I'll bone you hard!"
"Bathturd," one gay checkout boy said. Athhole" said the other.
A women on my side started turning the strap of her purse in her hand. "Men are
better; you can't make babies with women!"
"You're forgetting artificial insemination!"
"Yeth," said a checkout boy. I forget which.
"You had your chance, lesbian. I'll shall rain down on you with all the power of my
strength—until the last of your blood is spilt."
The first checkout boy spoke up. "Maybe we thhoud put down a few towelth"
"Shut up," the lesbian said. "It's time to get dirty!
In a rush, we swarmed into each other. The woman with the purse started smacking the
lesbian on the head. I started punching the manager. The checkout boys tag-teamed on
the old black woman, who had the misfortune of falling on my side of the line.
Shelves were falling left and right, and their contents were spilling all over the
melee. People would slip on dvds and smash their own noses. We began using fallen
bodies for traction.
The checkout boys finished with the old woman and took out a machine worker, before
falling to the blunt ends of some DVD cleaners. The woman with the purse fell at the
hands of the manager. The rest was a memory.
In the end, it was just the lesbian and I. The florescent lights swung between us,
sending shadows of our battered frames against the bare walls. Occasionally, sparks
flew out from the neon Shrek sign, making us squint and requiring us to use our arms
to shield our eyes.
For footing, I waddled back and forth on the manager. He was skinny, but he had a
huge ass, so it was difficult to keep upright. The lesbian had snared the old woman
and dug into her saggy flesh. She groaned and called out "why?"
I growled and pointed. "Because she doesn't like dick!"
The lesbian charged up the frame of the old woman and I skidded down the manager's
ass. We met between them, our arms locked together, unable to make a swing or free
ourselves to regroup.
"Lesbian, this is ridiculous. Is your unreasonable lifestyle worth this?"
"Is your need to have sex with me worth it?"
I started to shake from the strain. "I fight for all men, everywhere. You know how
easier it would be to get laid if lesbians are on the Market?
"Well...what if the reverse were true?"
"Well, what if gay guys started going after women. "
I released my hold. "What are you talking about?"
"If you convert lesbian women, what's to stop some woman from converting gay men."
"That...that, wouldn't happen."
"Oh wouldn't it. It's us lesbians that keep the gay guys in line. Without us, they
might turn straight. Then you'll have a real problem."
I slumped to the ground. "What problem?"
The lesbian started laughing. "If gays were available, the women would all flock to
them. They are cleaner, they understand our needs, and they are probably more giving
"That's not true, women still want manly men."
"Bullshit, that ship has sailed. Is that gel in your hair?"
I turned away. "No."
"I bet you use an exfoliant."
"WHAT OF IT."
The lesbian brushed off her jeans. "I think I've said my piece." She turned and
I sat there for ten more minutes before going.
Fucking lesbians and their lesbian logic. They'll meet their end some day.
Written by OTW
from Uber Site
(Again, not written by me, but it is hilarious. The fact that this is again about
lesbians does not mean I don't like them, it's just really funny.)