Saturday, 4 February 2012
09:49:40 AM (GMT)
Sometimes, I like to wonder, if it were possible to be a cyborg, how much of your
body could you replace without losing who you are? Like, your awareness, your
memories, your personality? How far could you go?
Austin. The hardest part is that I'm not upset about losing the Austin Miller I know
He used to be more than he is, we used to be perfectly matched, and now...there's
nothing. And the thing that I'm upset about is that I'll never again see the person
he used to be. I'll never get the Austin I loved back. I feel like someone has died.
The funny thing is that Adam told me afterwards that Austin broke up with Taylore for
me. Taylore, who he had told me he never actually liked in the first place. So then
why did he go along pretending with her for three months? Because she didn't notice
him acting weird, or what?
Our relationship was doomed. I could feel it.
We used to talk about anything and everything, and then when we finally started
All we ever did was fucking sit around, and I'd listen to him talk about getting high
all the time, and I'd occasionally say things, the kind he used to laugh at, back
when he had a fucking personality.
And then eventually one of us would get tired of it and start kissing the other one
Fuck. How did this happen?
How did this?
I miss him. For 5 months. I waited for him for 5 months. And then...nothing. Empty
conversations. Who knows? It probably wasn't just him. I probably changed a fuckload.
to be honest, I know he doesn't even give a shit about me anymore. That's the thing
that makes me want to cry. Because, you know, even though I don't like what he's
become, even though I don't love him, I still care about him. Alot. I don't know why
I still care, but I do. He doesn't. He literally does not give a SHIT about me
I basically all but told him to break up with me.
God, and I yelled at him. I said to him, "If you want to break up with me, do it now.
just do it." And all he could think of to say is, "We're just so different, we don't
always get along."
I didn't realize how loud my voice was until I looked around after this statement and
everyone was looking at me. "NOW. AUSTIN. DO YOU WANT TO BREAK UP WITH ME?"
"Alright, fine. It's done, we're done, okay? It's done."
And then while I walked away it was like my whole body was aching and the worst part
is, you could hear how upset I had been in my voice, and he didn't even look back as
he walked down the stairs. Not once.
It's like he said. Like when you need to take out the trash, but you're feeling lazy
so you just let it accumulate until one day you come home and it's gone, because
either a family member took it out, or...well, the trash just magically took itself
And you don't question it, because it's trash, and you don't really care, and you're
just kind of glad it's dealt with.
You don't look back, at the girl who you might have loved once, but you can't tell
now because you don't feel anything for her anymore, not even enough to look back at
her. Because she's just like trash that needs to be taken out, and honestly, you're
just glad she's dealt with.
Fuck, I just...I don't know how to let go of him. He was...he was always there, and
now he's not. The old Austin Miller left, and took part of me with him. Part of me
that I don't know what to do without. And all I actually want to do is break more
dishes on the side of my house like I did earlier, but that's not appropriate, is
So all I can really do is sit here at 2:30 in the morning, because I just can't
ignore my feelings long enough to fall asleep, drinking cough syrup and vodka, which
is probably a terrible thing to do, but I just don't give a fuck because I don't want
to have to feel anything.
I want to become a robot.
No. I want...I don't know what I want.
I don't want this, that's for sure.
It's like I'm in this deep sea of emotion, and the waves keep hitting me and pulling
me under towards this deep black, nothingness. And when I finally get up to the
surface, all I can do is get enough air to keep from drowning again because the
current is already pulling me towards this dark, cold, terrible end, and I just want
to give up, and let go, and die, but my body won't let me die.