Monday, 19 September 2011
11:39:46 PM (GMT)
Why do I have to have this stupid disease? Depression is a HORRIBLE thing and it
only gets worse because of some stupid people and stress and ughhhh. I haven't been
this depressed since February and now, because certain things have happened in
basically one day, I'm back to it. It's mostly because of my choir teacher, yet again
destroying my self confidence to the point where I don't feel like I"m good enough
for anything. I've literally given up on what I love to do most because of her.
Because of her I've lost that one thing that could make me feel better. Music.
Singing. The only thing I ever felt good at. But no. In her eyes I'm not capable of
doing anything. I just don't know what to do anymore.... I KNOW she's never going to
put me in any of the advanced things even though I can sight read now, and I'm a good
singer. And I know it's not just me who sees it because other people have seen it and
others are in my position. It's HER. She plays favorites so bad it's not even funny.
I mean, putting your daughter in as the lead in the musical two years in a row? Come
on! And if my self esteem wasn't already low, I probably could care less. But that's
the thing. My self esteem IS low. It has always been low. And I have depression which
just magnifies every little thing... so when she does these things to me to make me
feel like I'm not good at the one thing I love to do most... I can't take it. I
spiral down and down and down and I've now hit the bottom and I can feel myself being
pulled back into state of nothing and numbness that I was in last year. I don't want
to be there. But I don't know what to do. I want to be happy for a change but I don't
know how I can do that anymore. The one thing that's ever made me happy was pretty
much stripped away from me now. And for a while, I kept trying to win even just a
little ounce of respect and recognition, but she's wronged me so many times now that
I've completely lost hope. That was the one thing in my life keeping me strong... and
now it's ruined. I don't know what to do....
And before somebody thinks that I'm just a whiny little girl complaining about
nothing, let me point out that my depression isn't due to this little thing. It's a
multitude of things added up that have made me depressed(genetics included and other
things I haven't told anybody but Ashlea), this was just the thing that pushed me
over the edge. Because for a while now, I've been doing great. But this was just the
one thing that came along and added to everything else to send me over again.