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This diary entry is written by ‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖›. ( View all entries )
Previous entry: Ft says I'm crazy in category (general)

The Last LetterCategory: Stories
Sunday, 4 September 2011
11:17:29 PM (GMT)
I'm not a murderer. There's nothing cold or dark inside me, no absence of Soul or Heart or Conscience. I am fully human, wholly sane in every respect. My heart is the same as yours, it pumps warm red blood, I'm not full of icy black decay like you all think. I've felt empathy and love, I've felt fear and regret. You have to believe me. Murder is not in my nature, nor shall I adopt it as my identity now. But isn't it known that by some intrinsic human instinct, the conscience can be temporarily silenced, in situations of desperation, when a person must cross the normal boundaries in order to survive? No onlooker would assume that my situation was one of desperation, or that I was overcome with animalistic instinct, I know, of coarse. No, you all think that I killed him for fun, don't you? And all the psychologists and psychoanalysts are simply dying to know what was going through my mind that night. Mrs. [Name Removed] keeps suggesting that I never learned to properly express my sexual impulses; like I was afraid to admit to myself that I wanted to have sex with him, so I translated that into bloodlust, instead of just lust. But she's wrong. I never had any sexual desire for him at all. In fact, having sex with him is a very unappealing thought. Is it because sex is so intimate? And I'm afraid of anything so close and personal and deep? And I desired him, for him to be mine, but sex wasn't enough, I had to kill him? No! No. But you're all so desperate to explain it all away! To check me off the list as a "case solved", to have an explanation for the "boy's poor parents". He was older than me, you know. Taller, stronger. Granted he was unconscious for the first hour or so, and weak and anemic with blood loss for the rest of it, but really, shouldn't he have at least tried to get away, to fight me? I was on the news, they said I had a "unique, haunting face" that would be "remembered, seen in nightmares", that my name would be "forever spoken in hushed tones". That's such a joke. I'm sure I'm already the subject matter of countless jokes and pranks and rumors. Kids are immature, you know. But it wasn't about fame or face value, either. I never had any emotional desire for him. I didn't want love or affection. I admit, I wanted his fear. But I was scared too! And not for for my own safety! But scared of myself. But it was too sweet. If you had only seen the hope in his eyes simmering, burning up, vanishing, could you understand? If you had only tasted his blood, that sweetness melting over my tongue, so faintly metallic, coating my mouth, dripping down my throat. It was so indescribably beautiful, the way his skin parted so gently, delicately beneath my blade. My mom left my dad and I when I was three, and my dad lost me for drug abuse a year later, so I've been in foster care all my life. My mom hadn't contacted my dad or me at all but she made sure the news people left her name out of everything. My dad hasn't come to see me. I'm still on suicide watch, they thought I was trying to kill myself, how stupid, that's not what I was doing. Some people must think it had something to do with that boy raping me. That I hate boys now or something so I killed one. But that's not even it. It's not. I loved his eyes, they were big, his skin was pale. I loved the angle of his jaw and the shape of his nose, I loved the way he walked and the way he sat, I loved his facial expressions (my favorite was the thoughtful, distant, distracted one), his fingernails, his bony frame and everything. But not his personality. Not his voice. He was cruel sometimes, his laugh was icy and dark. I guess I preferred to keep him perfect in my mind, to know just what I could see and feel of him. My cell is padded, how stupid. That's so cliche! I hate it all. I'm sorry. I should have let it all remain a fantasy! But I couldn't, okay? I just wanted it all to be about me, just for once! He was bleeding for me. I know the world must hate me. But so what! How could they ever understand? I heard them talking, some crazy kids sent me fanmail. They're crazy! Not me! I wanted to read the letters, just for a laugh, but they wouldn't let me. They think I don't deserve to laugh, I laughed really loud and they must have heard me, I hope they did. They're making me finish before I'm ready, I could write more. But I have to go back now. My trial is in a year. You might hear from me more then. But just remember, anything I say then will be tainted, and confused with the insanity they're forcing upon me by keeping me locked up here! They want everyone to think I'm so crazy because it's comforting, it's too unnerving for the people to think that a sane girl could do such a thing! I'm not insane but I will be by then! Sincere Apologies, [Name Removed]
Last edited: 4 September 2011

ImperfectWings says:   4 September 2011   548483  
Okay Lexii, this was just beautiful ♥
Haha, I love your work here, how you write, and how descriptive you
Just purely beautiful~
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   4 September 2011   354925  
I was unsure about this. 
But I like it, I'm just not sure what to do with it yet. 
iceicecat says:   16 September 2011   867457  
This was AMAZING! You should publish it! A site for that is  Anyone can publish a book on there, I did and I have my
book sitting on my desk! Depending on the style of the book, it can be
pretty cheap! Sorry if I seem like I am trying to sell you something
horrible! XD
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   16 September 2011   763966  
Well this is just a short story, but I might do a collection of short
stories some time. 
iceicecat says:   17 September 2011   952524  
I think that is a terrific idea!
‹<3 Forever Yours <3› says:   18 September 2011   863442  
This is simply beautiful! The writing and tone of it was
intoxicating. The dark haunting words like Intrinsic, animalistic etc.
The certain word you used was simply well thought out and amazing!
Your writing style, dare I say it, is like the work of my beloved
Edgar Allan Poe, dark, mysterious but descriptive and exhilirating.
You dazzled me with your imagery such as "If you had only tasted his
blood, that sweetness melting over my tongue,
so faintly metallic, coating my mouth, dripping down my throat.  It
was so
indescribably beautiful, the way his skin parted so gently, delicately
beneath my
blade. " Simply beautiful! All I can say is I can only wish that I
could write like you! You simply are incredible.

Much love,

‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   18 September 2011   729288  
Wow, this comment just made my life 
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my writing.
And Edgar Allan Poe is my inspiration for lots of things. 
‹<3 Forever Yours <3› says:   18 September 2011   767688  
Well I can only state what I see is true, and I adore Edgar Allan Poe,
his work is just amazing much like yours. I am glad my comment made
you happy  But all I can say is when you get published (which I
have no doubt, you will be published) I will by all of your
literature. I am an aspiring writer, and would love it if you would
allow me to say that reading this master piece. Gives me inspiration
and makes me want to better my writing. The talent you possess is
amazing and you should go far with it. 
‹<3 Forever Yours <3› says:   18 September 2011   286919  
grrr meant *buy 
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   18 September 2011   434678  
Thanks again 
And sure, that'd be great; just look for publications by 'Lexii
And I'll post them on here too. 
I want to be a writer and an artist. Maybe an editor or book cover
designer. Something fun like that.
My first thing will probably be a collection of short stories and
I'm thrilled that my writing has enchanted you so, having fans is very
important, and I feel more optimistic about my writing career now than
I had been. 
‹<3 Forever Yours <3› says:   18 September 2011   162150  
I shall read all of your work! I write novels and some poems here and
there, but short stories I seem to stuggle alot with. But I will
always be a loyal fan, because your writing simply cannot be
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   18 September 2011   787825  
 You're way too nice.
And I'd love to read some of your stuff too. 
‹<3 Forever Yours <3› says:   18 September 2011   354140  
awww well thanks, I'm not always nice to people muwhahaha . But I'm
very self concious over my writing so I have my work on here as
friends only can read. But if you'd like I can add you so you can read
them, or I can message you my crappy stories lol 
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   18 September 2011   191354  
Alright. I have to sleep now, but you can add me and I'll add you too. 
‹<3 Forever Yours <3› says :   18 September 2011   456862  
You are officially added woot woot you just made my day 

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