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This diary entry is written by arianalovesyou. ( View all entries )

At lunch the other day..Category: (general)
Friday, 18 February 2011
10:44:08 PM (GMT)
alright, so the other day at school, it was after lunch and 3 of my guy friends
showed up where i usuallly hang out when im finished with lunch. their names are
luke, robbie, and jarrod. luke, he has a girlfriend but he still has feelings for me.
robbie has no interest in me whatsoever, were close friends and he is trying to set
me and jarrod up. me and jarrod will be in a relationship soon but we don't know
exactly when. i honestly don't think it's going to work out with luke getting all up
in our way. everytime i tell luke that there is a boy i like, he asks me what his
name is... then he always tells me "he's defintely a playa, you wouldn't want to go
out with that, would you?" he thinks he's the only boy in the world thats NOT a
"playa" or something. he needs to stop telling me who i should date and who i
shouldn't date. go tell your little sister or you're girlfriend that stuff. not me,
cos im sick of it, im dating who i want and your not gonna stop me. but when robbie
and jarrod started talking to me more, robbie asked me : "remember what i asked you
yesterday?" (he asked me if i wanted to be jarrod's girlfriend.) and i said yes, that
i remembered him asking. then he asked again "would you do it?" and i said "i would
but i dont even know him. if i knew him we would probably be going out." then after
that it was about a couple seconds of silence, but it felt more like a couple minutes
because it was really awkward for me. i let out all my confidence, just to say that.
then after jarrod started talking to me more robbie said "i'll leave you two alone."
and smiled. i was looking at him until i knew he wasn't going to turn back. i was
kind of hoping he was going to come back but he didn't. i wanted to call out his name
but i didn't want to look stupid. but then me and jarrod looked at eachother for
about probably 5 seconds and i started off by saying "well the bad part is if we were
to be in a relationship you would have to meet my parents." he looked kind of
disappointed when he said that and he said "well when i used to go out with mikaila i
didnt meet her parents." (i have known mikaila since 3rd grade but we no longer
talk.) we started talking about mikaila for about 2 minutes and he told me what
turned her on. he did it to me but it was kind of awkward because me and him aren't
together yet. everytime me and jarrod tried talking about us luke kept butting into
the conversation. it got reallllyyy annoying after awhile. when jarrod first started
to hover over me luke said "wow, if you hover a girl like that she's most likely
going to kick you." i was sort of thankful he said it but it didn't work. he just
laughed and stayed there. everytime he hovered over me and got closer to me and
putting his arms around me trying to kiss me i was looking around hoping nobody was
looking at us different like mistaking us for a couple or something. everytime he
went to try and kiss me i would bang my head against a window of a classroom. after
the first couple times i did it he kept saying "what are you scared of me!?" im not
scared of him, it was just uncomfortable when he was hovering over me like that.
maybe about the 10th time jarrod went to kiss me luke put his foot under my knee to
make me kick him. when he did it i was actually glad that he did it but at the same
time i wish jarrod would just kiss me and get it over with so he would stop trying to
kiss me. later that night, when i went to sleep i had a nightmare. it was a nightmare
of me getting raped by jarrod. i woke up the next morning, freaked out, with my heart
beating so hard i thought it was going to pound out of my chest. i was sitting on my
bed just looking around my room totally confused for about an hour and a half. when i
finally got out of the bed i had to clean my room. i had a fiber bar so that i
wouldn't have to go outside in front of everybody. when i cleaned my room i went to
my closet because i was fixing to take a shower. while i was picking out my clothes i
felt like somebody was right behind me yelling in my ear all these questions that
wouldn't go away. the question that was repeated the most was : "who are you going to
believe? your stepdad, robbie, jarrod, luke, or just follow your heart." it took me
about almost half an hour just to pick out my clothes because i was so stressed out.
when i finally picked out my clothes i ran straight to my bathroom. after i got all
situated, turned on the shower, put my clothes to the side when i get dressed, i was
scared to get naked, if i got naked i felt like somebody was right there watching me
so i just took off my clothes as fast as i could and jumped in the shower. the first
thing i did when i got in the shower was try and answer the question that kept going
through my head. i did not success at all. not 1 answer went through my mind so i
just scrubbed myself with soap and a washcloth as hard as i could. while the shower
was rinsing off my skin i was trying to hug the wall of my shower slightly banging my
head on the wall. i wanted to give myself a concussion, i could take the stress no
longer. after i was all rinsed off it was really hot in the room and i opened the
small window just a small crack and i stayed in the shower for a little bit longer.
after i got out of the shower i noticed i gave myself a bruise on the other side of
my elbow from scrubbing myself with the washcloth too hard. but everytime my
neighbors yelling and laughing, i would feel like i was in danger and thought i had
to get dressed right away. i literally feel like my brain is a doll and everybody is
playing with it. i'm defintely not looking forward to valentine's day this year. i
don't expect getting balloons and gifts from all the boys who like me but im pretty
sure jarrod's going to try something. i thought my freshman year was going to be one
of the best years of my life and it's turning out to be one of the worst. i want my
old life back. i don't want this stress and drama. </3

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