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This diary entry is written by ‹Breeritto›. ( View all entries )
Previous entry: Happy what now? in category Sophisticated Ranting

I can't breathe...Category: Unorganized Thought
Friday, 10 April 2015
11:16:54 PM (GMT)
Why isn't this getting any easier?
Why did I marry someone so hastily who I don't trust?
Why is my husband so supportive of this?
It makes me feel like he's hiding something...
Why didn't I stop him from leaving that morning?
Why was I so cold to him?
I rejected his hug goodbye.
He looked destroyed.
I was selfish.
Now I'd give up everything just for that one damn hug..
He took the pills 30 minutes later.
Why is it that I talked him into wanting to live again, but he still didn't make it?
Why did I go home early?
I should've stayed with him all night.
I shouldn't have left his side.
I kept having to remind him to breathe...
He could barely form words but he said he was scared....
He didn't mean to...
An hour after I left he was gone..
Why didn't the ambulance come sooner?
Why wouldn't they let me see him?
Why couldn't he take one more breath like I know he wanted to so badly?
Why can't I get the memory of him struggling, fighting for air, puking all over
himself, clinging to me, why can't those thoughts just stop?
Then I think of his smile...
His good heart... 
His amazing laugh...
Those eyes...
His sense of humor...
It should make me smile...
But it breaks me again...
Everywhere I turn there's a god damn reminder.
I want all of that back..
It should've been me and him until the end, not like this...
I can't stand being in this room.
The messages on my wall read "I love you my Bree Bunny -JF"
and "U R my everything <3 "
I can't stop thinking of every moment, every kiss, every cuddle, the creation of our
child every time I listened to his heartbeat, and knowing that I'll never hear that
Our baby will never get to know its dad and how badly he'd want to be here... He
wanted a baby girl to spoil..
Why can't I understand him when he's trying so hard to get through to me?
Why is he leaving me gifts when I feel so undeserving of them?
Why is everyone brushing it off and not understanding how much this is killing me?
Why is no one here wanting to help me?
Why don't I know how anyone can?

His mom was telling me about his 8th birthday. He insisted that no one get him any
presents at all. Then on his way home from school, he picked a flower from a
neighbor's yard, and when he got home gave it to his mom. She asked about it, and he
said "I don't need any presents, mommy! You do, you did all the work."

That was Jayden...

Nothing will ever be the same without him...

I love you so much beautiful boy... Thank you for everything... </3

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