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This diary entry is written by Beautiful_Death. ( View all entries )
 
Previous entry: Diary 20 May 2014 in category (general)
.....

Deadly LoveCategory: story
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
07:03:16 PM (GMT)
"Kaley!" I yell across the small, cramped hallway. "Clarissa!" she yells right
before she's smothered again by the current of highschoolers. I push my way through
the students and manage to grab Karley before she's trampled. I pull her into the
ladies room so we might survive the first day of senior year. " since when has it
been this crowded?" Karley gasps out of breath. "since the school opened," I say
regaining my composure. I adjust the amethyst necklace around my neck grabbing
Karley's attention. "Your still  wearing that necklace? shouldn't it be to
small now?" Karley looks at my necklace bewildered. she was right t is a little
strange that it still fits but I never go anywhere without it. I was about to respond
when the bell rings. Me and Karley lock eyes. she rushes into the empty hallway
hauling her book bag behind her. "Wait!" I yell rushing after her. I run into the
hallway attempting to follow her but she's already gone. " God damnit," I whisper. I
hear footsteps behind me and I whip around to find the most beautiful boy I've ever
seen. I gasp as we lock eyes, he has the clearest blue eyes that could possibly ever
exist. Almost simultaneously we both reach up and rub a necklace around our necks. We
both look at the others hand and at the necklace. He has an exact copy of mine. I
find myself walking toward him, as if my feet have a mind of their own. I look up and
see he's in the same situation as me. I try to will myself to walk the other way, but
I don't try very hard. We bump into each other while we stare at our feet. I look up
at him, he's so much taller this close. "I'm Dante," he says, his eyes bore into my
soul. "I'm Clarissa," I cant seem to pull away from his gaze. Footsteps echo in the
hallway neither of us look away until principle Houndor snaps "What are you two doing
out of class!" We immediately step away from each other.


                                                                                     
          TO BE CONTINUED 

Comments 
Beautiful_Death says:   20 May 2014   218284  
im not gonna write anymore until I get some feed back on it so
Comment please!!!!!
 
‹CNNInternationaal› says:   20 May 2014   318285  
Awful, this reads like a piece of shit.
 
Beautiful_Death shouts:   20 May 2014   963989  
thank you for your kind words
 
mylittleworld says :   20 May 2014   692821  
Hm okay, feedback:
-The cliffhanger was in the right place and fairly effective so well
done on that.
-To improve try paragraphing so its more appealing and easier to read
and try to include more connectives, to create more complex sentence
structures and varied sentence lengths which will make your writing
more interesting to the reader.

Hope this helps your future works (:
 

 
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